The First Apology
Zorah was laying on the bed when she heard the door creak open.
“Zorah, may I come in?” Avaline’s voice was cajoling in its tone.
“You all do as you wish, why ask?” Zorah huffed impatiently.
“I came to apologize, if you’ll allow.”
Zorah sat up in the bed, pulling the pillow against her middle and leaning against the headboard. She watched through narrowed eyes as the woman came close and sat on the edge of the bed.
“I’m sorry for yesterday.”
Zorah gave a nod and a shrug.
“Can I tell you a bit about myself? I don’t want to give you excuses but just to explain myself.”
“Yes.”
“My parents, Icaro’s grandparents, worked, still work technically, for the Lucchesi family. They were helping run the business in New York city. My father loved New York but my mother missed her parents. You met her parents them last night. When her father took ill, I was only a toddler. They moved back here so my mother could take care of her parents. My father was reassigned here in Sicily. We bounced back and forth between Sicily and Rome, depending on how well or poorly my grandfather was doing. However, my father’s work, if you will, was never hidden from me. As much as my mother and grandmother took me to church and taught me to be kind, loving and patient, my father taught me to never allow myself to be disrespected.”
“You say your father didn’t hide his work. You mean the violent aspect of it.”
“Yes. Seeing brains splattered is no more out of place than cutting off the head of a chicken, though the chicken is more valuable, and you can make a good soup.”
“Avaline.” Zorah chastised her.
“I’m simply saying, some deaths are far more beneficial than others.”
“Gross.”
“It is gross.” Avaline agreed. “Part of my reaction to your screaming and vomiting yesterday was shame of myself.”
Zorah looked to her in surprise, “what?”
“I pride myself at being a good matriarch in our family. I take care of our family and our community. I spend a lot of time personally serving the community. However, I take no shit off anyone. I don’t suffer fools, and I will never tolerate disrespect. I don’t blink anymore when someone is punished. Part of me has grown cold, likely due to all the things I’ve bore witness to over the years.”
“How can you see it and not be affected?”
“And this is why I feel so ashamed, Zorah. Yesterday, even in the face of her disrespect, in the face of our family elders ready to shun you, the part of you which is still innocent was front and center. My first thought was end her and yours was to say she wasn’t lying and protect her. You showed me how far from good I really am, and it made me angry. I took my anger out on you, demanding you be stronger than you are when in fact I was upset with myself for losing my softness.”
“So, you agree with me she shouldn’t have died.”
“Not in the least!” Avaline gave a laugh. “The girl deserved it, and she knew better than to shoot her mouth off about a Lucchesi bride. One of Dagoberto’s uncles, when he found his one, she was a dancer in a sex club in England. She was a single mom and twenty-seven and not anything pure or innocent. It is not a requirement to be a virgin as a Lucchesi bride and why this bitch thought she could voice her shitty opinion speaks to a level of disrespect her entire family is guilty of. She deserved the bullet she got.”
“But –”
“But we should have protected you from such things. We should have removed her and dealt with it separately. We should have kept you out of the discussion because you are sweet, and you are pure, and you are kind. I was angry because I felt guilty for not protecting you and for how hard I have become. I am sorry Zorah. As your Mom, I should have protected you and for this I am deeply remorseful.”
“I don’t think I will ever get used to it. The violence is not anything I can close my eyes and forget. I had bad dreams all night.”
“I know. Icaro sat here and watched you sleep most of the night. He told me this morning you tossed and turned.”
“He was sleeping on the sofa!”
“If he got a full hour of sleep, I’ll be surprised. He was probably dozing.”
She gave a snort and punched the pillow on her lap. “I told him to go away and leave me alone.”
“He couldn’t leave you in case you needed him. We all knew we screwed up last night, Zorah but we thought we would let you rest and talk things out this morning.”
“I called my Mom last night.” She blurted.
Avaline was startled by the comment, “really?”
“Yes.”
“How is she?”
The tone of Avaline’s voice made Zorah snicker, “you don’t really care how she is.”
“There is a special place in hell reserved for mothers who hurt their babies. I hope every single day of her life is hellish and I hope every eternal moment of her judgement is worse.”
“Gee whiz, Avaline, tell me how you really feel.”
“Mamas are meant to protect their babies. Do not give me the crap about her being a young mother. I know plenty of young mothers. There is a teen mother who lives not fifteen minutes from here and works as a housekeeper at Errico’s home. She is an incredible mother who would fight a bear to the death to protect her little girl. Your mother is a disgrace to mothers.”
“I told her last night about my uncle spanking me.” Zorah watched Avaline’s fists furling on her lap and knew her mother-in-law wanted to put a bullet as the nurse received.
“And her response?”
“A half moment of silence followed by warnings about how you’re all dangerous, how I am in danger and said I was making wild accusations. She said all of my beatings were to make me obedient for the Lord.”
Avaline muttered under her breath a series of curse words and then turned to Zorah, “how about, we forget the ugliness of the past twenty-four hours for a little bit.”
“How?” she made a face. “Each time I close my eyes, I see her.”
“Would you like to come to church with me? I’d like to introduce you to our parish priest. He is not a Lucchesi, by the way. He’s as good as good can be. He keeps our secrets because he is trained to, but it might do you well to talk to someone other than a Lucchesi.”
Zorah blinked back tears, “I think I would like this very much.”
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