Positivity
“They want me to be this tough, strong individual who doesn’t scream and panic when they shoot someone in the head.”
“You don’t think they believe you are strong?”
“No.”
“Do you think you’re strong Zorah?”
His question surprised her, and she shrugged carelessly and looked away. “Most of my life, I’ve dreamed of not living it.”
Father Tarantino was patient and said nothing as he sipped his tea quietly.
“When I was young, I used to wish I’d not been born. My mother clearly resented me, and the few sisters assigned to the church were annoyed to have a child underfoot. My uncle loathed me. I would hear them talking about me, about how I was an abomination. I wanted to die a lot.”
He sipped his tea, his countenance calm, no judgement on his features.
“I came up with a little plan but then one day I found out Sidonia’s parents were beating her and hurting her. I knew if I left her, she would be all alone, suffering alone.”
“She was the reason you continued to live?”
“Yes. I love her. She is my best friend, my sister even though we are not blood related. She had nobody else, Father. Nobody. I was all she had. She was all I had.”
“You protect her.”
“As much as I could. I got her to join choir with me, though she hates singing and really can’t carry a tune but if she’s at the church, then her parents are berating her at their home. We would pray together a lot, looking for ways out of our horrible lives. Mostly though,” she blinked her tears, “I would pray for Sidonia to find someone to love her and care for her so when I’m gone, she won’t be alone.”
“Now she’s not alone, it is on your heart again?”
“I feel so trapped,” she admitted. “My life has never been my own and never so more now than ever before. I don’t get a say. I didn’t want to marry Icaro. I found out on Sunday I was getting married on Saturday and all my choices were removed. If I didn’t do it, my mother and uncle would die. A blood oath was made, and I was the price.”
“Why did you marry him?”
“I wasn’t going to.” She whispered. “I intended to live a life in a week and then the morning of my wedding,” she bit back a sob, “I was going to let my mother find my body.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“Icaro threatened Sidonia.”
“She is the reason you continue to live.”
“Well,” she stared at her fingertips, “there was a part of me, after my first date with Icaro, I was hopeful I was given a new reason to live. I felt hope, a smidge of it. I felt maybe I could be free of my parents and while it wasn’t a love match, he was nice to me that evening.”
“What’s changed?”
“Everything,” she huffed. “What on Tuesday felt like the beginning of a romance movie by Saturday evening felt like a horror flick. I feel like the girl in a movie who is trying to escape and keeps opening doors trying to escape and behind each door is something more absurd and obscener.”
He chuckled at her words. “You have been through a lot.”
“I have.”
“Is it worth dying over?”
She shook her head, “you can’t begin to imagine what I’ve been through.”
“You are right.”
She waited for him to elaborate but again he was sitting there waiting for her to speak. He was so different from her uncle who would spout and spew at her for hours on end. This man was not judging her or telling her off for having sinful thoughts.
“I mean, my whole life has been turned upside down. Don’t I have the right to be upset?”
“Yes.”
“I do?”
He chuckled, “in your shoes, I think most women would have run long into the night and given no consideration to anyone else, not even their best friend.”
“Its so hard.”
“You know what else it is, Zorah?”
“What?”
“A week.”
She looked to him surprise.
“What?”
“It’s been a week since you convinced yourself you would marry him, and it might be what you want. Tell me something about yourself you like.”
“What?” she was so confused at the change in topic.
“Name one of your positive attributes as a person.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Zorah, I’ve been a priest a very long time. More than forty years now. My experience has taught me when someone is feeling they have nothing left to live for, nothing worth fighting for, it’s important to remind them of their worth. You are valuable. I can sit here and tell you how much your friend Sidonia loves you. I can reassure you to the heavens the Lucchesi family love you and care for you. I can preach from my pulpit how Icaro from the moment he locked eyes with you, can never love another because you are it for him. What I can’t do is make you love you. You need to do this.”
“I am so confused.”
“Zorah. You will never be able to love Icaro correctly until you first love yourself. I ask you again, tell me something positive about you as a person.”
She thought about it for a long moment and then lifted her chin, “I am a good friend.”
“Yes. I believe you are. Here is what I would like you to do.” He reached into his desk and pulled out a small notebook and pen, wrapped in plastic. “I want you to carry this little booklet with you this week and I want you to write only positive attributes in it, but I want you to do them in the moment.”
“How do you mean?”
“If you and Sidonia were out somewhere and she did something kind for someone, you would notice right away, no?”
“Yes.”
“So, if you cheer her up, I want you to write down in your book, you were being a good friend, but I want you to do it in the moment.”
“That’s weird. Why?” she waited for him to rebuke her for being rude the way her uncle would have but he merely laughed.
“It is weird but, right now, you were embarrassed at the words you uttered, right?”
“Yes.”
“And you immediately noted it.”
“Yes.”
“If I asked you to write down the bad things you do in the moment they occur, this would have been easy for you to do, right now in this moment.”
“I guess.” She nodded.
“Yet, the notion I’m asking you to write down when you do something positive is weird or difficult. Zorah, you’re predisposed to come down on yourself rather than be mindful of how good you are.”
“Pride is a sin.”
“It is. I’m not asking you to gloat. I’m asking you to acknowledge.”
Zorah considered this might be the strangest task she was ever given and, perhaps, the hardest.
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