Chapter Forty-Six - Trust is not what I wanted to lose.

Paxton

I sigh as she runs away from me. I can’t deal with her not trusting me. I hate it. I have no one to blame but myself. I know I fucked up when it came to our friend-with-benefit thing, but the way she spoke and looked at me made me think she had lost all trust in me, not only for that. I have never offered such a thing as I did to her. I don’t offer women only to be with them. I get bored easily, it is why I screw around, but I meant the words I said to Kenna. I would do that if that is what she wanted. She isn’t like all those other women, I know that. She needs more, and she lives a different life from mine. She isn’t used to how things work in my world. She deserves more.

I take a few deep breaths and rush up after her. I stroll straight into her room without knocking, but I know she wouldn’t invite me if I asked. She is sitting up, her knees hugged to her chest.

Her eyes meet mine, and I notice the tears in them. Great, now I have made her cry.

“Paxton, what do you want?” she asks.

I head over and stand at the bottom of the bed, “For you to talk to me and stop running away.”

“Leave me alone. I told you no. You can make all the promises in the world to me, but it doesn’t mean I need to believe them. I have been burnt before, more than once. Words mean nothing.”

I crawl up the bed and kneel in front of her, keeping a small distance between us because I don’t want her to get more irritated with me.

“What do you need me to do to make you realise I mean it?” I ask softly.

I am not used to begging women for anything, yet here I am, and I will continue until she tells me to stop.

“I don’t know if there is anything, Paxton. Why are you so adamant about this working out? You will be gone in a few weeks. You can go back to your life in New York, get any woman you want, and forget about me again. I don’t want you to act like someone you aren’t, Paxton, because you are here with me.”

She shakes her head and breaks eye contact with me.

I scoff, “You think I am pretending?”

“Yes. I think I am something to pass your time while you are, and that is fine. I thought I was okay with it, but it turns out I am not. I am not built for whatever this was. I am too sensitive and not what you need. We are done. We are friends and nothing more. It doesn’t matter what you do or say; my thoughts have changed from the last conversation we had about it.”

Sadness takes over me, “Kenna, you don’t mean that.”

“I do. Please close the door on your way out. I am tired.”

She lies down, her back to me and pulls the covers over her face.

“Okay,” I say sadly, leaving her room.

She doesn’t want me. I can’t make her. I make my way back downstairs, defeated. I need to get out of here. I gather what I need and head for the exit. As I open the door to leave, Carter is coming in.

“Paxton, what is wrong? Where are you going?”

“I am fine. I need to get out of here. I will be back later.”

I don’t give him a chance to say another word before I rush out the door and down the street. I have no idea where I am going; probably a bar. A drink is what I need right now. All of this is getting too much. It has become too complicated. It was supposed to be fun and easy; how did we get to this? I should have known better not to get involved with Kenna. Now, I have, I don’t think I can let her go, but I don’t have a choice. She has made herself clear about what I am to her and about what we are.

Maybe it is best for me to go back to New York sooner than planned. However, if I do that, it will seem like I am giving up on Kenna, and I don’t want to do that. I groan in frustration. Why can’t things be simple? Is that too much to ask for?

I walk until I find a bar, which doesn’t take long. I had my hat and glasses on. I don’t want anyone to notice me because I am in a shitty mood, and I don’t think I could act like I am not.

I hop up on one of the barstools and order a double scotch. Drinking probably isn’t the best idea, but I don’t know what else to do with myself. I would rather drink than do something even more stupid and find someone to get some coke from. I am trying to stay away from all drugs. I had a slip-up at the event, but I refuse to go down that road again.

The bartender handed me my drink. I downed it and ordered another one. I will be careful what I drink because the last thing I need is to head back to Carter’s place, wasted, and open my mouth about Kenna to him. Or stagger into her room drunk and pour my heart out. She doesn’t want that, and Carter can’t hear it.

I take my drink and go to sit at a corner table away from everyone else. There aren’t many people in the bar, but I don’t want to risk it. I sigh, resting back against the seat, and take a sip of my drink.

When I decided to come here to escape it all, I didn’t expect it to end up like this. I didn’t think I would be sitting at a bar, drinking alone, sad, annoyed and frustrated over what was going on with Kenna. I am here now and need to deal with it.

I will give her the space she seems to crave from me. It won’t be easy, but what else can I do? A part of me hopes that she will forgive me and come to me because she misses me. It may be wishful thinking, though. I set my glass down and bury my face in my hands, groaning. Why do I mess up everywhere I go? I haven’t always been like that, but now, it seems to be the only thing I do, no matter where I am.

Tonight, I drown my sorrows and hope for a better tomorrow.