Ch. 34: Jake's Mind

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR:
It turned out I had sprained my ankle. Some people sprained their ankles doing things like gymnastics, or doing acrobatics. I did it walking down some steps that I’ve walked down plenty of times before.
I had stayed home through the next two days, my mom encouraging me to take a break. She was convinced I had misstepped because I was stressed from school or tired. And she wasn’t totally wrong about the latter. It was now Wednesday afternoon. I had been able to take short naps throughout these past few days and I knew I was catching up on sleep. But I still had the worst time trying to sleep through the night the last two nights. I repeated the drowning nightmare, and when I finally managed to fall asleep again, I had a similar dream of falling to my death from a tall building. Both nights. Awful.
It was mid-afternoon and I was responding to one of Ally’s texts. She had been trying to keep me updated on all things Pacific in my absence. It was actually pretty entertaining. I sent her back a gif and shut my phone screen off, trying to catch another little nap.
My phone buzzed and I opened one eye to see a text from Sean. He had been so worried about me.
<< From Sean to Rachel >>: how’s my little sunshine? are you remembering to ice it?
I smiled. He was such a stickler for the advice I had gotten at the hospital and shared with him.
<< From Rachel to Sean >>: Yes, mom. Lol
I frowned at my phone, and opened my last text thread from Jake. He had never replied to the message I sent him Monday morning. But he did look at it. He left me on ‘read’ like that. I was trying not to spin out of control with reasons. Maybe he was still sick? Maybe he had forgotten he saw my message or he thought he had already responded. I didn’t want to be ‘that girl’ who texted a million times. But something still felt wrong in my gut. I needed to know he was okay.
Angela had texted me earlier today checking on me and I asked about all the guys. She told me that Mitchell and the others had been back this morning, but that they hadn’t seen Nick, Jake or Evan.
I had tried texting Nick this morning but I haven’t gotten anything back from him either. I sent a text to Ally asking for Evan’s number. For some reason I had never had it. She sent it to me.
<< From Rachel to Evan >>: Hey Evan, what’s up?
I didn’t want to say who I was yet. I wanted to see what would happen first.
I got an immediate reply.
<< From Evan to Rachel >>: Hey, who dis?
Well I knew at least one of them was alive.
<< From Rachel to Evan >>: It’s Rachel. I’ve been trying to reach you guys. Everything okay?? Haven’t heard from Jake or Nick?
I held my breath. He saw my message. Nothing. I groaned and put my phone back down in surrender. After a minute my phone buzzed.
But it was only Sean.


Jake~
I was going stir crazy. It felt like I had drunk enough caffeine for an army but I hadn’t had a drop. Maybe I was having a panic attack. I felt like something in me was trying to tell me something was wrong but I didn’t know what in the hell it could be. I was pacing the forest by our packhouse, I didn’t know what to do with all this energy or anxiety, or whatever. I had been training all morning, and then had double-backed and redid all my sets on my own. Nothing helped. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t calm down. Something felt really, really wrong.
I had felt a little off after Nick forced us to leave Rachel at the park, but as of Monday morning I just couldn’t sit still. He had walked us over to Mitchell’s house and sat me down, explaining what had been going on with Evan. I felt a burst of irrational jealousy when he mentioned Evan’s need to impress and please Rachel, and I’m not going to lie to myself - when I heard about this Sean guy kissing her, it really pissed me off. I knew I had no right to feel that way. I had had a crush on her and led her on in a way for years, knowing that while we had something, I couldn’t ever really be with her. I had a mate out there somewhere, and I wouldn’t betray her, even if I felt like I could love Rachel. Even if I did.
And so I forced myself to not say anything when she confessed her feelings for me at the end of our 8th grade dance. I forced myself to stay silent as her heart broke, as mine broke. I made myself stand there and start to turn away, pretending not to have heard her, not to have seen the tears glistening in her eyes after my silence. It took so much for me to stay away and give her space and time - to move on. And it hurts, every day. But I couldn’t afford to keep leading her on like that. She deserved happiness, she deserved someone who could give her everything I couldn’t.
I don’t know why I let myself start to talk to her again these last few weeks. I just felt compelled to. And when she got some boyfriend I knew it was a little safer, a little, to be around her. Apparently, according to Nicks’ theory, not safe enough. I just about forgot to breathe when he told me they were considering the possibility that she could be my mate. It couldn’t be, could it? I’d never heard of such a thing. Werewolf and human pairing? I couldn’t get my hopes up. Or crushed - what would people do to her if it were true? Nick had gotten me to agree, reluctantly, to stay home from school for a few days to help put some distance between us. So my agitation was already pretty high before Monday even came.
It started with the feeling that I was supposed to be somewhere, like I had forgotten something. Like a huge weight of worry on my chest. And it grew and grew over the hours. I was desperate for some relief.
“Dude, you’re going to end up digging a hole to the earth’s center if you keep that up for much longer,” Nick commented, walking up to me.
I didn’t respond. I couldn’t articulate what was happening inside of my head, or inside of my body.
“Really, Jake,” Nick held a hand out to get me to stop but I just pushed past him. He groaned, “Jake. Come on, man. Talk to me. You’ve been like this since Monday. Something is clearly not right.”
I grunted.
“Can I take a guess then?” he asked, then continued after a pause I didn’t fill, “Is this about Rachel? About not seeing her? About our mutual decision to stay home for a few days while we try to figure out what is happening with you and her, with Evan and her?”
I growled out, “There’s no Evan and Rachel.”
Nick stepped back, not expecting that - clearly. I stopped pacing and started to jog towards the gym again. Something about what Nick had said had me wanting to punch something. And if I didn’t find something soon, I’d be punching him.
I sprinted inside and right up to a kickboxing bag, and let loose on it. Although I didn’t have my wolf yet, I was still the Alpha-to-be and had more strength and stamina than a human. Right jab, left jab, right jab, left jab, right cross, left cross, right cross, left cross, right uppercut, uppercut, left uppercut, right uppercut, left uppercut. I rotated through this basic set over and over. Trying to lose myself if the rhythm of muscle memory.
“We are still going to talk about this.” Nick insisted at my side.
I grunted and shifted sets. Right cross, left cross, right uppercut. I repeated this faster and faster, and followed the bag as it got punched back further and further. I was boiling over.
“ALRIGHT! THAT’S IT!” Nick yelled from the boxing ring. “Let’s go!”
I kept hitting.
“NOW, JAKE!” He yelled again.
I noticed Evan coming into the gym. “What’s going on? Jake still on an anxious rampage?”
I started to hit harder, irritated.
“JAKE! YOU NEED TO LET US HELP YOU!” Nick yelled again. “Trust us!” he yelled, an octave lower.
I punched the bag once more with all my pent up rage, and my fist went through the bag. These were heavily rated bags that adult werewolves used regularly at full force. But I didn’t give that thought more than a second. I turned toward the ring and jogged to it.
“FINE,” I growled, entering the ring.
“Evan too,” Nick insisted. Evan entered the ring.
I cracked my neck. Looked like it was going to be them both. Two against one.
Nick charged.