Ch. 56: Step Forward?

CHAPTER FIFTY-SIX:
I dreamt about wolves. I was one too. And we ran through a forest on a dark night. Starlight all that speckled the sky above between the tops of countless trees. It was freeing and wonderful. At full run it felt like flying. I ran closest to a gray wolf with golden orbs in its eyes. It was never far from me even when I strayed a bit from the group. If I slowed, it slowed, and when I ran at top speed around stumps and tree trunks, it followed close behind. But never in front. It never led. Whether it was faster than me, I didn’t know. It never tried to run faster than me that I know of. I felt kinship with the wolves all around. They felt like family.
When I woke up it was nearly 9am. I had slept through the night and felt really rested. My joints ached a bit, neck stiff. Likely from all the previous nights of sleeping terribly. But I felt warm and safe for once in a long time. I remembered the day before. The tears, the nap, the dream. The tree lighting, the walk home, the safety. That I was finally able to say something to someone about Vance. The conflicting promises about today finally came to mind. Crap.
I checked my phone to see a text from Sean asking about today.
<< From Sean to Rachel >>: morning sunshine I’ll see you soon? I can pick you up around noon
I thought about what to say. I wanted to talk to him in person but I knew that if we went to the movies we wouldn’t really be able to do that. How did someone do this?
<< From Rachel to Sean >>: Morning - did you get tickets yet?
<< From Sean to Rachel >>: no not yet, do you want me to?
<< From Rachel to Sean >>: Oh no that’s okay. Can we talk when you get here first?
I added “first'' at the end to help it not sound like I wasn’t going. But I wasn’t planning on going…
<< From Sean to Rachel >>: sure
I thought that was hard… but it was really only just the beginning of what was going to be a hard day.
I got up, had breakfast and changed. My mom seemed really happy when I told her I had slept well.
“You seem happy, Rachelle, it’s good to see you this way,” she mentioned while mopping the kitchen.
I knew this time exactly who was responsible for my happiness and rest, it made me smile. It was my turn to vacuum so I got through it quickly, Meg even helped by moving some chairs out of my way. I didn’t make a big deal and just said thanks, knowing if I mentioned anything beyond that it could very well tick her off.
My phone vibrated and I looked to see a text from Jake. He was asking about how I slept and if I could hang out soon. I told him I had a few plans first but would let him know. I asked how long they planned to be in town.
<< From Jake to Rachel >>: As long as it takes to see you plus a few hours
My cheeks heated when I read that. He had written that immediately back after seeing my last text. What do I even say to that? I opted for nothing. At least for now. A wave of guilt passed over me again. That I was feeling this way even while still technically in a relationship with someone. Someone who was not the person making me blush like this.
After another hour or so Sean was headed my way, and I was basically having a panic attack. My mind was spinning thinking of the right thing to say, how to do this. My heart was racing and my palms were sweating. I kept rubbing my hands on my pants hoping it would help but it didn’t do much. He was getting closer, and so was this terribly uncomfortable conversation.
I started down the stairs when I heard his car coming. Telling myself to take slow, steady breaths and to focus on walking down safely. Anxiety bubbled in my chest, my hands were shaking. By the time he pulled into a spot and turned off the car I was shaking too.
“Hey there Sunshine,” he greeted, a small smile on his lips.
His eyes narrowed at me.
“Everything okay?” he asked slowly.
His eyes were scanning me and likely noticing that I didn’t have a bag or jacket with me.
“I -” I averted my eyes and got stuck with my words failing me.
He rushed towards me and held me by the hand. His gaze searching my own for something. The electricity in his touch seemed too much. It stung.
“I’m sorry Sean,” I was able to get out.
“Sorry about what sweetheart?” he lowered his voice, and his eyes narrowed at me. “You’re not coming out with me are you?” he took a breath before continuing, “What’s happened?”
The concern in his eyes had me doubting what I wanted to do. What I needed to do. I glanced at the hill and could almost see Jake there like he had been around this time yesterday, after I had cried into his arms. Resolve came over me. I needed to go on.
“I’m sorry Sean, I just - don’t think I can do this anymore,” I said in a whisper.
He furrowed his eyebrows, “Can’t go to the movies?”
I think he knew it was about more than that.
“No - well, yes - but I mean I don’t think we should… be together anymore,” I said quietly.
It was quiet for a moment. I heard a bird caw in the distance.
I looked up at him to see his eyes watering, the sight of it made my breath hitch. I would never have guessed I would see the easy going, confident Sean.. like this.
“Rach- no.You can’t,” he stammered out. “Please, Sunshine. Look at me.”
I looked at him more directly.
He held onto my wrist and squeezed tightly, I nearly flinched at the zap that shot at me from the contact.
“I-,” he breathed, “I don’t know what this is about. But please. Don’t do this. If it’s about me pushing you lately, I’m sorry. I was just worried. You’ve been so tired lately and I just wanted to help you. Please don’t end this. Please.”
I tried to hold his gaze but my eyes dropped down to his shirt. I couldn’t handle the guilt. I was terrible for letting our relationship go on for so long after I wasn’t one-hundred percent into it. I was terrible for having him drive all the way out here. For telling him like this. Basically out of nowhere. We’ve never fought or disagreed. This was blind-siding him I was sure of it.
“Rachel,” he breathed out softly. The tremor in his voice made me look back up.
We stared at each other for a few moments and I felt the electricity of our touch burn into my spine. It was hurting. I tried to separate from him but he held firm.
I looked back at his eyes as he bored into my gaze. He looked very serious and was concentrating on something. His lips moved like he was muttering to himself silently.
I couldn’t look away this time and I started to worry more about him. How he was feeling, and what I was doing to him. How I could possibly be doing this without giving him another chance. Without giving us another chance.
“Can we keep trying? Not give up on us?” he asked me breathlessly.
And I nodded. Concern painted on my face. He hadn’t done anything wrong, what had I been thinking?