Ch. 52: Lighter

CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO
I held her as she cried and rubbed circles on her back to try to soothe her. I felt my shoulder get wet and I was just wrecked. I should've forced contact earlier. My little fighter, my warrior - she was falling to pieces. I would never forgive myself. Her crying got heavier and she was heaving breaths as she clung on to me and I squeezed her tight. Evan and Nick stood somewhere in the kitchen, keeping an eye on us but giving her space. After a few minutes like this her sobs became less frequent and she was taking slow deep breaths.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered in my shoulder.
“Nothing to be sorry for, Killer,” I said softly as I rubbed her back.
“I’m getting your shirt all wet,” she sniffled.
“Go ahead and blow your nose in it, I don’t care,” I assured her in a low tone.
It made her hiccup with a laugh, and I squeezed her in return. Her breathing steadied and she pushed away from me a little, “Crap it’s worse than I thought-” she said looking at the wet spot on my shirt.
“It’s alright Rach, really. Just a shirt. I’m the one who’s sorry,” I tried to look her in the eye but she turned away and covered her face with her hands.
“You didn’t do anything,” she whispered, “I’m the one who launched into you and got tears and snot all over you,”she sniffled again while rubbing her face.
“I should’ve been here for you, I knew you weren’t doing well, I should’ve been here. And you didn’t launch at me,” was all I said as I tried to get her to look at me.
She finally did. Her red-rimmed eyes still shimmered with tears and she had her hand covering the lower half of her face.
“I’m a mess, sorry-” she pulled away.
“You’re not-” I started to stay but she was already walking towards the bathroom leaving me suddenly colder without her so close. I heard the faucet turn on in the bathroom and Evan and Nick walked into the living room. Evan sat on the floor and rested his head on his arms which were crossed over his knees. Nick sat in the chair adjacent to the couch. For once, neither of them said a word. Evan huffed out a big breath and Nick’s face was painted with worry. I ran my hand through my hair and focused on breathing evenly to steady myself. I could torture myself later with how much of a failure I was. Right now I had to concentrate on whatever she needed when she came back.
The door opened and she walked over to us, sat next to me on the couch but not very closely. I held back the urge to pull her closer.
“Thanks,” she said, her face still pink from crying but her face looking a little more alive and alert. “Thanks for coming by you guys,” she corrected, looking at Evan and Nick too. “I- just haven’t felt myself lately. I think I needed that.”
I couldn’t help myself as my hand reached out to hers and squeezed it. The contact buzzed up my arm. She looked over and smiled at me. Her eyebrows furrowed.
“Sorry, I - did you guys come by for something?” She looked like she was trying to remember. She sniffled.
Her features were more emphasized by how unhealthy she appeared. My eyes gave nothing away and she looked over to Nick and Evan. She didn’t move to let go of my hand, and I didn’t dare move it. I still didn’t know if she could feel the bond I was sure we had, but contact was the most helpful thing mates could do for each other when they weren’t feeling well.
“We just thought we should check in, Jake wanted to stop by,” Nick said on our behalf. I fought the urge to beat my own head in for letting it get to this point for her.
Rachel nodded.
We just sat quietly for a moment.
“Sorry, I sort of brought the whole mood down…” she commented, eyes flickering to each of us.
I squeezed her hand, “Nothing to be sorry about.”
I caught Evan’s eye and tried to use my facial expressions to tell him to give us a minute. He seemed to understand and I saw his eyes go blank as he likely linked Nick.
“We’ll be right back,” Evan said slowly as he and Nick walked towards the door.
Once they were outside, Rachel opened her mouth then closed it.
“What is it?” I urged her on.
She looked up at me, “Thank you, I just,” she breathed out a big breath, “feel so much lighter. I’m still tired as all hell from not sleeping well but - I still feel better. Thank you for letting me blubber all over you.” She looked away. “You always seem to make me feel safe,” she said softly.
I couldn’t breathe. My Killer, my girl, my most-likely mate - felt safe around me. I tried to control my thoughts and hold in the swell of pride that built in my chest. I didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t sound stupid or that would make sense as to a nonwerewolf, so I just squeezed her hand for a second.
She looked back up at me and the world stilled. A dozen feelings barreled through me. I wanted to come toward her, hold her, kiss her, console her, confess my love to her, take her away - every thought flashed through me.
Her shimmering eyes stayed focused on mine and I wondered what she was thinking. I noticed she seemed to be holding her breath. Then she squeezed my hand a little. Neither one of us had let go.
She opened and closed her mouth again, and she suddenly seemed worried. I looked at her questioningly.
“I- I think my mom should be coming back soon,” she said simply.
I didn’t want to go.
“We’ll be in town for a while. The tree lighting. Um- did you want to… are you going? I could see you there?” Goddess, what a mess I am.
She thought for a second. “Yeah, I wasn’t planning on going - but sure. It starts at 6 right?”
“I think so. We'll be around before then too if you want to hang out,” I guess that was slightly more coherent of a response.
Rachel smiled a little. “Okay.”
We looked at each other for a bit before I stood. I was either going to leave now or snatch her into my arms and I didn’t want to freak her out or ruin whatever this was. I started to let go of her hand but she still held tight so I didn’t. We walked like that to her front door and I turned to her to say bye.
She rushed at me and put her arms up towards my shoulders, I bent down to make it easier for her. She was hugging me again. I didn’t dare move. I just took in the tingles where her wrists crossed behind my neck and where her cheek touched mine, and I breathed in her light airy cotton scent. After a moment she started to let go and I couldn’t stop myself. I kissed her on the top of her head.
Screaming internally at myself for doing that I moved quickly out the door. Any longer with her and I would be reciting love poems. I had to get out. I walked down and joined Evan and Nick at the bottom of the stairs that would lead up the hill. Evan was still looking up at her apartment and I glanced up to see her watching us from the door, one hand touching her cheek, something shining in her eyes. It was the way she used to look at me before I broke her heart. I knew that look, had missed it. And there it was.
There was a little voice in the back of my mind reminding me she was still technically dating some guy, but I shoved it away as I reveled in that look. She waved and I raised my hand back. Openly grinning like I had just heard from the Moon Goddess herself that we were destined mates. Nick patted my back and I knew we had to get walking. We noticed Rachel’s mom’s car entering the parking lot. She still watched us as we headed up the stairs and I felt like I could sprint up a dozen of these sets of stairs in a minute. I knew that look, I knew that look.