Ch. 53: Relief

CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE:
I had felt like the living dead when I answered the door and saw Jake there. I felt frozen but had the urge to run into his arms. Suddenly it was already happening. I was being held and it was such a relief to feel something after all this time that everything came bubbling out of me. I don’t know how long I sat there in Jake’s arms heaving tears into him as he just stayed still. His steady, assuring presence felt like safety and it was like diving into water after being lost in the desert. I needed the release, and I needed it to be him. Jake had always been so da*n serious and protective, and that was exactly what I needed in my life. I felt so exhausted and so terribly unsafe every minute of the day that I wasn’t on the bus with him in the mornings, but this time, this private moment to just feel that care and safety wash over me was just… everything.
I was pretty sure I had made Evan and Nick feel uncomfortable, and I would’ve thought so for Jake too, but the way he consoled me after, and talked to me so kindly and in such a whisper. I knew what he was saying was true for him. And when he got a little flustered asking me about the tree lighting tonight, I couldn't stop myself from thinking how adorable it was. Normally I was the one babbling or saying things before thinking them through. But there he was, restarting his sentence a few times. It warmed me all over. It wasn’t until after our hug goodbye and his sincere kiss on my head that I realized my heartbeat was fluttering just looking at him by the stairs. I felt electrified. Awake. When they disappeared behind the trees I felt sad watching him go.
I sucked in a breath. Sh*t.
My mind snapped to Sean. I was dating someone. Someone cute and sweet and caring - funny. But here I was letting myself get swept up in everything Jake once more. Just like the first time. I felt a pang of hurt as I remembered myself standing there in front of him at the graduation dance as he refused to look at me and walked away. It was at complete odds with the flash of him taking care of me when I stupidly walked into that pole, or when we fell asleep on the couch together some weekends ago, or the Jake who apologized to me in hushed tones early in the morning on the phone. Or this Jake. I scrunched my face and dragged a hand down my face.
“Ughhh,” I said aloud to no one.
I felt torn. I had something great already, even through this hard time. I had huge things on my plate, like trying to figure out a way out of this Vance torture, or a way to fking sleep through the night again. But then there was this. Something so comfortable, but scary - something so past-riddled, but so unexplored. One thing was for sure. It made me feel more like myself than I did without him. I couldn’t deny that. I couldn’t think of anyone else who made me relax or who filled me with new positivity or light.
But.
There was also Ally’s past commentary in my mind. About him finally paying attention to me in that way because there was someone else. Were Jake’s behaviors even meant to be serious? Was he just flirty and caring because that’s who he was with me? Would he ever want to be something more? And if he did, was that only because I had finally stopped paying attention to him? Ugh. I could feel my emotional turmoil kickstarting a headache.
I heard my mom coming up the stairs and while I was feeling a bit better, I wanted to avoid the earlier one-sided conversation she had had with me before she left, about how I was wasting away. So I rushed over to bed and got in between the sheets, pulling the covers over myself. I felt cozy all bundled like this, and my sleepy headache soon had my eyes closing as I heard my mom enter the front door. Then it was dark.

I was laying down in a field on my back. Paws up. Paws? I rolled to my side and stood, eyeing the large gray wolf next to me. The wolf whined and rolled to stand too. It beckoned me to follow, and so I did. The firm dirt beneath my paws and strong scent of the forest filled my lungs and urged me faster. Before I knew it the other wolf and I were in a game of chase. Next it was my turn to run and while I lost track of my direction a few times, I was able to stay just a little ahead. I found myself running into a field, and there by the lake up ahead was a woman I was sure was familiar. I ran straight up to her and she greeted the both of us, as the gray wolf caught up with me. The sun shone bright in the sky and the woman seemed happy to see us both.
“I’m so glad you’re back, Rachel. I’ve been worried about you,” the silver haired beauty told me emphatically. “You need to spend more time with him, okay? It’ll make you stronger.”
I felt confused. More time with the gray wolf?
She stroked my fur and looked over to the gray wolf.
“I’m starting to think I’m going to have to break some rules…” she said in a whisper to him. “But don’t either of you tell anyone- hmm? Well, I guess it’s impossible to keep it under wraps with the way I’m seeing things happen…”
She was deeply concentrating on something, brows furrowed and looking at the ground below.
“Well, I’ll figure it out…” she thought aloud, “You just keep fighting okay?” She looked at me seriously.
I nodded.
“Good. Now remember what I said. Stay with him as much as you can, it’ll help you. You two will change it all. But you’ve got a while to go before you’re ready”

I woke up to dishes smacking into each other and other clunking sounds. Someone was unloading the dishwasher. I rubbed my eyes. I had slept! Oh lord, and I needed much more. But it felt amazing. I looked at the clock on the wall. It was nearly 5pm. I slept for hours! I pulled out my phone and saw a few messages. One from my dad that I didn’t quite want to open. One from Jake. One from Sean.
<< From Jake to Rachel >>: Will we still be seeing you today?
It was from an hour ago.
<< From Rachel to Jake >>: Sorry, I passed out. Yeah I’ll head out soon.
Almost immediately after I sent it-
<< From Jake to Rachel >>: That’s good! Hope you got some rest. We can meet you at the top of your hill if you want some company?
<< From Rachel to Jake >>: Sure that would be great :)

<< From Sean to Rachel >>: hey there sunshine. hope you’ve been able to rest today. miss you
Guilt panged in my gut.
<< From Rachel to Sean >>: Hey! Yes I just napped, feeling much better thank you.
I couldn’t add a ‘miss you too,’ it just didn’t feel very true. That worried me a bit.
I stood up and stretched, heading to the bathroom to wash the sleep from my eyes and refresh my face. As I was leaving the bathroom my phone buzzed.
<< From Sean to Rachel >>: that’s great, sunshine. any chance you’re up for going out today? movie?
I winced. Crap. Well… I weighed the options. Then my phone vibrated again.
<< From Jake to Rachel >>: Almost at the top. Be forewarned, Evan is a huge ball of energy right now lol
I smiled. My choice became clear. I wanted to follow that feeling.
<< From Rachel to Sean >>: Sorry, I’ve got some plans with friends. Maybe tomorrow?
I walked into the kitchen and my mom looked surprised to see me there.
“Mijita, are you going out?” she asked, surprised.
“Yeah, is that okay? I’m going to walk to the tree lighting with some friends?”
She smiled and touched my cheek, “Claro que si. I’m glad to see you like this, you look a little more rested. Were you able to sleep better?”
I nodded and she sighed in relief. “Good. Now just be home by 9 okay? I’ll text you to check in before then? Meg and I might drop in at the lighting, okay?”
I gave my little mom a tight hug before heading out the door. I texted Jake that I was heading up the hill and started up. After I turned the first corner though, I saw the three of them halfway down.
I smiled and waved at them, instantly dropping my shoulders that I didn’t even notice were tense. I was at ease seeing these three crazy tall guys coming my way. One of them in particular had me grinning like every horrible moment these past few weeks had never happened.