Nate Part 5
The weight of those words... God... Am I going to be able to get up after this fall? She’s killing pieces of me every time she shows how much she’s suffering. I hurt her. I destroyed the only perfect thing I ever had. I wanted to do that. Now, I feel defeated.
“Who is Ana?” I ask, confused, trying to distract myself from these heavy thoughts.
I’ve never seen her with anyone other than Cristina.
“She’s my sister. We met in school, in 2016.” Even in her drugged state, I still find coherence in her words. “I loved her as I love you. I loved her so much that from the first day, we were already holding hands at school. I built shields to protect myself from the world, and she showed me that I didn’t need any thorns against her because she was as messed up as I was. Ana loved me back. She became my family, my home. And you know what I did?”
I stare at her over her shoulder, seeing her completely red face beneath me. She sniffs, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. I had no idea she maintained such a long friendship. Given how she spoke about her friend getting married and not wanting to interfere with her moment, they still seem close.
“I fought with her because she mentioned the blog that made you break up with me. She threw that in my face because she was pissed. I kicked Ana out of my life, and then I spent years picking on her, pushing her away, watching her suffer from a distance.” And she breaks down. She cries, turning to the side and hugging my neck. “I was angry with Ana for a long time, and then jealous when I saw her with new people. I wanted to talk to her, apologize, get her back. I dreamed that everything would go back to how it was when we slept cuddled up, and she was my only new safety in my world. And you have no idea how much I wanted to die when we fought. It hurt so much in my chest that I went to therapy to cope with it. I built a wall between us, filling myself with thorns against the broken girl who only gave me love.”
Wow! I never imagined she had such a strong relationship with someone else. I’m pretty shocked.
“And how did you become friends again?”
“She apologized to me. She had the courage to do what I always was too foolish to accomplish.”
“You just... were abandoned too many times. Don’t blame yourself so much. I know how it feels to react very poorly when I think the people I love are going to leave me,” I murmur against her head, kissing her hair.
I’m so sorry, My Sun!
“Do you think I’m like you?” she whispers, looking at me with wide eyes, filled with fear.
“Borderline?” I ask, trying to understand the thread of this question. Then I realize, she researched my disorder a lot when she became mine. She must be processing her reactions based on what she read about it. “No. I know I said that nonsense weeks ago, but it was just because you triggered me, and I wanted to feel like I wasn’t the only defective one,” I explain, lifting her chin and leaving a kiss on her lips. Maybe she’ll wake up later and give up on being with me, remember the pain I caused her, and push me out of her life for good. I fear that; I see wild flashes of things I could do to win her back if she pushes me away, but I fight that. I don’t want to do anything wrong anymore. I’ll let her dictate the rules to have her back if she wakes up hating me. “I think you just learned that hurting is the only way to protect yourself. Sometimes hurting yourself because you think that’s the only thing you deserve. That’s wrong. You deserve to be loved.”
“I’m feeling a bit nauseous! I think I want to sleep, kitty...” she says, snuggling into my arms.
I stroke her hair against my chest, listening to small snores as she completely drifts off. She’ll probably puke her guts out when she wakes up because eating weed is very different from smoking a joint.
I gently caress her forearm, my chin resting on the top of her head. How can I feel secure leaving her alone, knowing she could hurt herself again if she gets sad?
And Ian... why did he post a Story of a random moment like that when Fabi came to grab me? What the hell was he trying to do with that?
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