Nate Part 4

"You're a dirty hypocrite!" It's the only thing my mouth can manage. "I hate you even more for letting me believe my grandmother loved me."
"I didn't want to mess up your head even more. I was a shitty mother who couldn't keep you away from my husband. I despised him after the day you were lost in pain and reminded me of myself with your wrists all cut up." Her voice barely comes out, and she puts the oxygen mask over her nose for a few seconds. Gasping, she continues, "Do you know who made that blog that tore you apart from that boy? It was her. Marcos lost a case for Hellen worth five million, and he threatened to do more unless she found a way to get you away from that boy. He thought your grandmother made it easier for you to have a boyfriend, so she was the one who had to push him away. Hellen stole your diary from her apartment and used things you told her to make everything seem more real. How can I die and leave you without knowing this?"
"Who guarantees me it wasn't you or your husband who made the blog?"
"I'm dying. Why would I lie now? Look through your grandmother's cases, see who's signing off on all her wins."
"Shut your filthy mouth!" I scream, my throat burning from the effort to keep my voice so loud. "You don't care about me. It’s your narcissistic need to drag someone else down with you. You don't want to be the only one seen as the villain. Mom, this is your perfect ending. Abandoned, without the husband you chose over your daughter, and without the daughter you lost because you preferred a filthy man."
I stand up, trembling, escaping Ana's arms. When I reach the hallway, wide, pale, and reeking of alcohol, I run to the first trash bin I find and throw up my breakfast.
My entire body feels weak, but I have to go to my grandmother. I need to, and I will find out if the damn hidden wolf is her. My God! Why did no one in my family choose me?
At least my dad loved me. Screw it if he was a womanizer, if he cheated on that vile snake! At least he was good to me, he was the father I needed. I'm lost in thought, hearing Ana’s voice in the background trying to comfort me as I sob. Before I know it, I'm already in her car.
My whole life has always been a lie.
They could’ve saved me.
Neither of them chose me.
"Isabela, listen to me!" Ana holds my face, wiping away my tears, while she herself can’t stop crying. "I need to take you to Nate."
"No! I want to go to her. I want to look her in the face and understand how my grandmother could betray me, let me lay in her lap crying over Nate day after day after she had torn us apart. I need to see it in her eyes. Ana, she destroyed me!"
"I don’t know if I should take you there in this state."
It's only been a few weeks since she got back from her honeymoon, and I shouldn’t drag her into my mess. But she’s the only person I could count on to come with me. Nate is struggling to find his emotional balance. I couldn't bring him into such a huge problem because he feels responsible for me. It would end badly if my boyfriend was here right now.
"If you don’t take me, I’ll grab a taxi and go there myself."
I roll down the passenger window as Ana reluctantly starts driving towards Hellen's house. At moments like this, I realize how precious this woman is. She holds my hand and fights alongside me, even if it means getting into the mud.
"Thank you for being my family. I don’t deserve you!"
"You do deserve me! And I love you. It’s them who didn’t deserve you. They should have loved and protected you," she says, her tears falling and staining her black jumpsuit.
"You didn’t deserve yours either. You should’ve been understood, valued, and cared for. You deserve the love of your new family, the one you and Josiah have made, the one that makes you happy."
I give her a sad smile, seeing how my words make her cry even more. She cries easily, but then again, with a past full of significant losses, anyone would be a mess of emotions.
"We’re two little screw-ups. Equally messed up."
"That’s why we’re friends, right?"
Ana nods. As I look at my friend while she drives, staring ahead, I remember when we fought in the past. I sided with Josiah against her. There was a secret she didn’t want me to tell him about their daughter, and I could’ve told him. But I was scared she’d never forgive me if I did, that she’d see me as a snitch, like Nate accused me of being. I should have spoken up. I should have fought for her. And I’ll never be able to forgive myself for that. No matter how many times she forgives me and loves me, I’ll always carry this guilt with me. But even with all that guilt, I’m thankful my friend is here. Otherwise, I wouldn’t make it through this.
The next few minutes, as Ana drives to my grandmother’s place, pass in silence. My chest aches as if a heavy cold had taken over me. I feel a ridiculous weight in my muscles, like they’re filled with lead.
After Ana parks her black pickup, we silently walk to Hellen’s apartment door. Memories flood back of all the times she showed me affection but never truly fought with my mom about my cuts. How did my grandmother never question the source of my bruises? Why did I let so many details slip?
I know maybe my mom didn’t tell me the whole truth, but the puzzle pieces are starting to fall into place. Things are starting to make sense. I’ll never understand why the world had to collapse on my head so many times. Why didn’t any of my guardians take care of me, care about me? How do I bear so much pain?
I feel devastated as I ring her doorbell. I need to do this, but I know my whole family will be entirely dead to me by the time I leave here. My father is buried, my mother and Hellen are about to die in my heart.
"Hi, Bela..." she says, flashing a huge smile.
I ignore her voice, which now makes me want to vomit. I walk into her home like a shot arrow, pushing past her body and ignoring her shocked expression. I rush to her office. I’m so full of rage, and yet so broken…
It’s like the walls in my head are collapsing, and I’m on the verge of a meltdown. I know I’ll pick myself up again, move on, just like I always do. But the pain of having another maternal figure tainted will always remain.
I ransack her desk, pulling out drawers and checking every paper I find. I scan each one, searching for the damn case that proves my mother’s words. I ignore her, standing there in her black midi dress, framed in the doorway. I ignore her shocked and terrified face.
"The house is falling down, Grandma?" I ask, giving in to tears as I finally find a folder in the last drawer. It’s labeled ‘Cases.’ I’m terrified to open the wide, red folder, heavy with so many papers inside. I know I could search the internet and check her cases by name. But since I’m here, I might as well watch her face crumble in front of me. "So, what’s it going to be? Are you going to speak, or should I open this?"
"Isabela... Let’s talk!" Hellen pleads, raising her manicured hands in front of her body, trying to calm me down. "I don’t know what they told you, but you need to hear me out."
I let out a nervous laugh, rolling my eyes and opening the damn folder. Ana is beside me, and I don’t even need to look at her to know she’s scared, desperate for there to be nothing that proves Diana’s accusations. But there is. Damn it! There is!