Isabela Part 4

I look up, holding back the urge to curse him out again. Even though we weren’t technically together, I never hooked up with another guy while I was with him. But I’ll respond with as much honesty as I can, ignoring the hurt.
“I love Bianca’s brother!” I growl, surprising him. “He’s the guy who could touch me.”
“The graffiti artist?” he asks, his gaze distant, too shocked by the revelation. I told him about Nate on the day we started hooking up, when I confided details of my past. “The twin of my girl?”
“Your girl?” I scoff, shocked by how he refers to her. “Your girl was at a club kissing a girl…”
“She has a free pass to be with women.” He shrugs, his dark eyes a little sad. “I like to hit, Isabela.”
I would have slapped his mouth until it bled for the way he treated me inside the church. I’d love to pierce his nipple just to see him scream. I’d make his skin bleed and get off watching him like that. My greatest pleasure would be to put a collar around his neck and drag him through my house. I’ll never change. And that’s why I decided to let you go. His confession sends shivers through my entire body. I can’t even close my mouth, which is agape in shock. I… I… don’t know what to think. There’s so much seriousness in his expression. Otherwise, I would have laughed, thinking it was a joke. “You were the only woman who could command me, who I knelt to please, who gave me orders, who told me how I should give pleasure. I command, I set the rules. But it was only for you that I ever bowed.”
His words crack open space in my mind, even as I fight not to let them in. It hurt me deeply how he left me behind. I spent days thinking it had to do with how flawed I am, blaming my trauma. It would have been less painful if he had said that the blame for our breakup wasn’t entirely mine, that it had more to do with him. Then to say he was with someone else was just an excuse…
“Damn… So you’re like a Christian Grey?” That’s all I can manage to say, and then he laughs. He shows me his perfectly aligned white teeth in a smile that creates a dimple on the right side of his cheek. “Wow! And that ridiculous Bia is your submissive?”
“No. She’s something else. And I’m not like that guy you practically came thinking about, the one from that book you read dozens of times.”
“I’ve only read Fifty Shades five times!” I retort, letting out a laugh. Knowing he didn’t end things with me because of Bianca makes me hate him less. “Never, not even in my worst nightmares, would I have imagined you’re a sadist.”
“I could never fulfill my needs with you.”
“Not at all,” I agree, swallowing hard as I stare at his mouth. What the hell! I loved kissing him, but just thinking about it now makes me feel uneasy. I can’t want anyone other than Nate. Before, just looking at this monument in front of me made my legs heat up, I was flooded with desire. Now I feel nothing. “Bianca is a bad person!”
“She’s not! She’s a girl, practically as hurt as you are,” he defends, making me angry. Okay, it’s kind of sweet to see him defending her against my accusations, but she’s still the girl who destroyed my relationship with Nate, who delivered the blow that pulled me away from the love of my life. “I guarantee that whatever happened between you two, Bia must have been protecting her brother. She loves him very much; she feels responsible for him.”
“If she loved him, she wouldn’t have done what she did to us.” I sit in the driver’s seat. “I hate you one percent less now, Mr. Grey from Paraguay.”
Bill smiles sadly. I’m going to wipe his confession about liking me from my mind. I fell in love with him, his more serious side, but I always loved hearing about the books I read, or evaluating my compositions, or when we watched movies and I ended the night with his cock in my mouth. But Bill would never be loved by me. That’s the hardest truth, yet it can soothe my heart in light of how we ended.
“I’m sorry! I didn’t have the courage to say what I am before. I was afraid you’d think I was a monster.”
“I don’t think you’re a monster,” I comfort, feeling pity for how shaky his voice sounds. “Do Harry and Josiah know? I mean, that you’re a sadist?”
Now the comment from Harry makes sense, why my friend thought I was lying when I told him I was in charge of the sexual relationship with Bill. Even though we never had penetration, we explored ways to give each other pleasure.
“Uh-huh… Getting to the point, can you still be my friend?”
I shake my head, but I give him a big smile that lights up his eyes in a way that makes me happy.
“We’ve always been more than friends, and you know that. But we can treat each other like acquaintances, okay?”
“I hope you’re okay, Isa!”
“I wish the same for you!”
On my way home, my mind drifts to scenarios where he unleashes his sadism on me. My head wouldn’t handle it, even if my skin could tolerate the pain. I’d definitely have several triggers from the heavy things I lived with my stepfather. We would never have worked out, as he just told me now, even if Bill liked me for real. I just wish he had trusted me and revealed this side of him sooner. However, I can understand his fear of revealing this side of himself. I’ve always been scared to tell guys I met about my Afefobia. It’s awful to expose something about ourselves that we’re incapable of accepting.
I just wanted to work out with someone. The only person I’m sure I’ll never have in the way I always dreamed. The guy who hurts me every time he interacts with me… My walking piece of damnation: Nate.