Isabela Part 8

" Okay! You're right. — I shrug, pushing myself away from his body and trying to jump off the sink. — I still need to go.
“Why don't you take a shower with me?” he offers, as if he were trying to keep me here. As if, just like me, Nate knew that there is no momentary truce between the two of us. We are everything, and also nothing. A spark of fire, a trail of gasoline, fuel for each other's explosions. There is no wall that will truly prevent us from destroying each other. Either we embrace the revolt, or we give in to what we started feeling for each other seven years ago. There is no middle ground: it's either calm or storm. — We can eat something before... it's all over.
It sucks! He broke my heart for the thousandth time since he came into my life. He managed to make things worse inside me than they already were, and he offers me a shower, a dinner. Fuck you!!!!
" Everything? — I ask, avoiding the amount of insults reserved for him in my throat, wiping away a nasty tear that escapes my control. — Do you want to prolong the suffering? Because, for me, all of this hurt. You fucked me, but today the mask you wore was not that of a wolf. You dressed up as something else, as someone who said they still loved me, and now you make it clear again that you can't stand me. That you want me to save my pussy for you, because it's the only thing you've ever wanted from me.
" I've always wanted everything from you. Sex isn't even one percent of the things I dreamed of having from you — he confesses, closing his eyes, looking hurt.
He's probably lying, as he usually does.
" You gave me crumbs of love to play with me, it's always been like that! — I accuse, shoving his chest twice. — It was like that when you approached the traumatized little girl at school to get spanked in your lair. Then, when you were so kind during the Hazing, only to destroy my heart in the aftermath. And now, shamelessly saying that you still feel some good shit, just to break me in half again, you asshole!
“I gave you the only fucking love I could give to a woman!” Nate screams loudly, unable to contain himself, shedding tears. I tense up and feel my heart rising up my throat, climbing it, desperate to make me die. “A fucked up, screwed up, revolted love like everything inside my body. But it was love! Just love. Without any other shadow. I loved you like I’ve never been able to love a woman. So, shut your dirty fucking mouth and get the fuck out of here!”
When Nate grabs me by the arm and pulls me from the sink, I can’t even hold my body up. I lose my balance and fall to my knees on the fucking floor. And I swear I try, with all the strength I have inside me, not to be the weak little girl in the story. But it hurts so much that I can't hold it in anymore and I hide my face in my hands. I cry like a child, shaking my shoulders, letting out loud sobs. And I'm so screwed, I can't even measure how much time has passed with me like this, but I know it's a lot. I hear Nate turning on the shower. I want to, but I can't resist, kicking him away like I want to. I can't knee him, which I'm sure would make him really soft. I just let him lift me off the floor. I don't fight when he takes off my clothes, and my eyes hurt so much, super blurry with tears, that I can't even see him. I allow him to guide me into the shower, to bathe me, to use soap to wash away the damn cum that's dripping from my pussy. I'm pathetic and so helpless.
I cry so much, in such a decadent way, that I start to look like the girls in the books I've always hated. I used to call them "tear puddings." And look at the irony of life: I'm worse off than them.
I don't run away from his touch, I just let him dry me off attentively, so that he can ease any burden of remorse that might be running through him. I know there's a perfect storm waiting for me outside this room, several ghosts and monsters from my head lurking in the shadows, trapped in the cells of my unconscious, full of swords to sink into my sanity as soon as I walk through that door. I know I'm going to need someone in my room today if I don't want to use my razor.
I feel a little sting when, already dry and sitting on his bed, Nate slides a cotton ball with alcohol over the crimes scribbled on my body. I don't even inspect it, I don't care if I'm going to leave here with a curse on my chest. Everyone in this shithole already calls me a bitch anyway.
He spends a long time trying to remove the scribbles, because he used a fucking permanent marker. When he lays me down to do the same thing to my pussy, I don't even care, spreading my legs to make his job easier. Do whatever you want with me... Nothing will hurt more than the words in the bathroom.
Nate finally finishes cleaning, and I don't even know if Belladonna is watching this shit from somewhere, but I hope not. Apparently, the fun of college in seeing me around with my chest stained will have to wait for another day. Nate has just put on a blouse the black one in me, which almost swallows me, making me look like I'm wearing a sack of potatoes. Fuck that too. I think I just want to lie down on my bed, maybe call Ana to come and stop some shit from happening tonight, so she can come sleep with me.
"Do you want to take Pretinha's things?" he offers, as he lifts me by my wrists.
Nate helps support me on him, then pulls my skirt up my legs, finishing dressing me.
"She already has all this." I shrug, mumbling. I feel like if I raise my voice even a little, I'll freak out and break this whole room. "Leave it here, for when you kidnap her again..."
"Stop it. I offered peace, Isabela," he says, turning around and putting on a pair of blue pajama pants.
"I need to buy a fucking morning-after pill. So open the door and just let me go!" I finally yell, ignoring the way he staggers back. "I already accepted your offer." I'm going to do everything I agreed, and when I finish my degree, you'll never hear from me again.
I search the room, looking for the cat. When I don't see her, I kneel under the bed and find two yellow eyes staring at me in the darkness. I pull her to me and stand up. Ignoring my flip-flops, I walk barefoot to the bedroom door. I grab the key, which is already locked in the lock. Nate is still frozen like a statue, white, looking like he doesn't even have blood running through his veins.
"Don't you take any medicine, Isabela?" he asks, sounding very scared.
"Why would I, you idiot? Unfortunately, you were the only idiot who fucked me." I shrug. "And I used to go to the gynecologist so I could take some shit, but now I can't go back in time. And, you know what, fuck it! I don't owe you an explanation for anything." "If you end up pregnant, you'll owe me an explanation for the rest of your life!" — he growls, irritated, lighting a cigarette as he starts to wander around the room.
" If I get pregnant, I'll end it all long before you know it. I don't want something with your genes in me! — I yell as loud as I can.
As soon as he seems to walk towards me, I turn around, grabbing Belladonna tightly and turning the room key. I run outside, feeling a cold gust of air crashing against my body like a wall. When I'm in front of the stairs, I ignore the idiot Vitor, who walks past me and opens his mouth, loving to hear the gossip from the inside. I turn on my heels and see my disappointment in the form of a man standing under the door frame. He has a very worried expression, scratching his head with a cigarette between his fingers.
" Don't worry, I'm not going to open my legs for anyone. I have a trauma, and life has made sure that you're the only jerk who can break it!