Isabela Part 4

"This was just one of the things that saddened me in the present. You also started to torment me and try to kick me out of here, as if you felt disgusted by me. I tried to retaliate, keep my head held high, but the pain became unbearable. I couldn't take so many fights anymore, you know? I thought I could handle it, enter that arm wrestling match, and bear the weight of your attacks, but I had no idea it would hurt so much.
'I never felt anything but love and anger for you! Disgust?' he asks, as if mentioning that were absurd. 'I think you're beautiful; I want to kiss you just by looking at you,' he confesses, pulling my mouth against his. His tongue glides to mine with great lightness, almost as if he were tired, sad, and seeking some relief in me. God! I love this son of a bitch! The delicate caress of his fingers, which weave subtly through my hair, leaves me on cloud nine. 'I loved you from the first time I touched your hair. You have no idea that, during those five months we were together, it was the only period I was stable and crisis-free, right? You filled me. I always felt like there was a hole in my soul, you know? With a missing piece that made me feel bored with life. As if I were just an empty sack, floating through the world. With you, those were the calmest months after my diagnosis. But I went crazy feeling betrayed when we broke up, and the anger mixed so much with the love I had for you inside me.
'And I didn't want to love you, Nate! Damn it, I swear I wanted to hate you. And sometimes I think you deserve for me to hate you for doubting me, for hurting me. But I still love you so much.' Now, I'm crying out of anger as I speak. Because this is the truth. I didn't want to love him, but I can't expel all these feelings. I'm ineffective. 'I love you so much that it suffocates me! I think I became obsessed with you in the past, and that has never died!
Nate is laughing, grinning from ear to ear, watching me. He looks like a fool staring at me like that, full of admiration. I didn't even realize I sat down while talking.
'My love for you also suffocates me because the fear of losing you when I have you in my hands is terrifying. As if, at any moment, you could take flight and disappear again,' he confesses, kissing me again, with more urgency, more violence. 'Do you want to have sex?' he asks, biting my lower lip. 'We can take advantage of the fact that you're wearing nothing under that blouse.
I almost give in to his murmured words against my lips. But there are many things to be said, boundaries to be drawn, to prevent us from falling apart by hurting each other again.
'Of course not! We have to clear the air! And establish boundaries! For starters: you are mine! And you won't be with anyone else, not with the big-chested girl. No one!' I know I'm practically growling, but it's good to let out the things that suffocate me. I don’t want to and won’t share him. Never again! 'Do you understand?'
'Yes! Will you be my girlfriend? If you accept, say yes while sucking me!' he jokes.
'Nate, I'm serious!' I insist, pulling his intrusive hands away that were starting to hunt my breasts. 'Look what happened to us! We need a much deeper conversation.
'Before this “deep conversation,” let it be clear: I hate that you wear short skirts that show your pussy when you walk!
'What? I...
'That's right. Wear shorts underneath, I don't know. And never again should you be up on a stage, showing your underwear, or I'll fuck you in front of everyone!
I try to stay serious, but I end up having a fit of laughter when I remember him pissed off for falling into his own trap while trying to sabotage me at the dance. Nate growls as he pulls my hair and forces me to look at him.
'I'm serious, damn it!'
'Okay, cutie! Shorts under the skirt, and no erotic dancing if you try to put it in my ass and expose me to the whole college, calling me a bitch.' I roll my eyes. 'Can we have our deep conversation now?'
'I like that you wear your naughty outfits, okay? I just don’t want anyone seeing what's between your legs. That fun is only for me,' he says, softening the tug on my hair and kissing my chin. I roll my eyes even more. I'm going to wear the damn shorts under the skirt! 'Okay, Isabela. Let's do this: state the rules. Shout everything you need to say, talk about what’s choking you, but then tell me what I need to do for you to live with me here. And promise that when this place crumbles, you’ll go with me wherever we want,' he says, holding my chin, with so much expectation on his face that it makes my eyes well up. 'I thought you had been an obsession for being my favorite person in the past, as often happens with someone with BPD. We get used to choosing a favorite person and going crazy for them. However, there were years when no woman filled my void. I hurt you here at college, I wounded you, and the shards of the blows I dealt hurt me. I never want to see you hurt again because I love you so damn much. You know, I was terrified that you might end up pregnant because I'm scared of being a shitty dad, like I am with everything in life. But if I think about one day having a baby, it should be with that blonde hair I loved so much about you, with that perfect chin cleft you have. So go ahead, be the boss. Command me! And, most importantly, forgive me for being an idiot, for doubting you without proof, and for ruining your experience here. Forgive me?'
'Of course, my love!' It's impossible to hold back the urge to seize his lips with a desperate, passionate kiss. I only leave his soft mouth because I still need to keep talking. 'And forgive me too for ruining dinner with your dad. I fell in love with this place. Nate, you created a paradise for artists to study. And it's magical, a dream place, as you said. So, I apologize for that, from the bottom of my soul. I swear I would have found another way to express my frustration about our first time that wouldn’t have involved that dinner. I'm so sorry, cutie!'
'Damn, hearing that is like lifting an elephant off my shoulders. I understand you were mad at me, and that’s why you wore that crazy outfit, which left my brain competing with my cock over which one was more excited.' He seems so excited to hear me say that, that he spins me around to place me beneath him, showering me with emotional kisses, filled with the intensity that overflows from every part of him.
It’s truly a feeling of relief, knowing I don’t have to arm myself or fight anymore. I embrace my cutie tightly, just being careful not to rub my wrists against his back. I let him relieve himself a little by rubbing against me, causing electric waves in my clit from the friction of his hard member against me. But I swallow a moan and take the courage to be firm."