The Weight of Uncertainty
Anguish, that's the word that defines what I'm feeling right now. My mind is buzzing, trying to do the calculations. When was the last time my period came? When did I take my injection? Did I take it at all? That answer I found easy, after Carlos left home, I stopped taking it because I didn't see the point in continuing. So, if I didn't take it, when was my fertile period? Will X have the courage to show up?
"Love, are you okay?" Carlos asks, concerned, grabbing my attention. "You look pale, are you feeling alright?"
"I'm...," I whisper with a weak smile.
"I'll get you a glass of wine," he offers.
"No!" I refuse, holding onto his arm. "My stomach is literally empty... It wouldn't be good. I'll go to the patio to get some fresh air and be right back."
I don't even wait for Carlos to respond and walk towards the patio. I sit on one of the white loungers and gaze at the starry sky. In my thoughts, I question the plans that God has in store for my life. A child? X lurking around? It all seemed too much for me, and I don't know if I could bear it.
***
"Doce... Doce..."
My eyelids slowly open, and with my vision still blurry, I see the silhouette of X in front of me.
"No!" I practically scream, jumping off the lounger. I sit there, blinking my eyes frantically.
"Dália, it's okay," my husband says, holding my shoulders. "It's me, Carlos."
"What happened? Who arrived?" I ask, nervous.
"Nothing happened. You fell asleep out here, and I came to wake you up," he explains.
"Oh my God, the guests..." I say, covering my eyes with my hands. "Come on, let's go back to the party."
"Party? Love, the party is over," my husband says with a slight smile. "Everyone has left, and our son is already asleep in his room. I came to get you now."
"Everyone has left? And I was sleeping all this time? Oh my God," I say, putting my hand over my mouth, shocked.
"Hey, relax, Mamá," my husband requests, holding my hands. "Everyone understood that you were undoubtedly exhausted from the renovation rush and the planning of Juan's birthday. Come on, let's take a shower and go to sleep."
After those words, I wrap my arms around my husband's neck, and he carries me to our majestic bedroom. He guides me to the bathroom, takes off my dress, undoes my hair, and then helps me into the prepared bathtub. Then he gently lathers me with soap. I'm still lost in thought, contemplating how my life is probably about to change.
***
The next day, I woke up feeling like a truck had run over me and reversed. I get out of bed and walk towards the table, where I find a note from Carlos saying that he went to work and took Juan to school. I look at the clock and realize that I'm so late that it's probably best not to go. That would be good because then I can deal with the matter that's been haunting my mind.
I have breakfast eagerly, as I'm starving since I haven't eaten since yesterday. I wash the dishes, get ready, put on a pair of jeans and a blouse, and then head out. I walk through my new neighborhood in search of a pharmacy. After about four blocks, I finally find one and head straight to the women's section. I search like an eagle for my target, and there it is: pregnancy tests. I pick up at least six of them, just to be sure. I pass by the cashier, feeling judged by the wide-eyed employee. I grab my bag and then head back home, grab a water bottle from my fridge, and then go downstairs to my room until I reach my bathroom. I close the door, even though there's no one home, then focus on what I need to do.
"Negative," I say, looking at the last of the six pregnancy tests.
I hold all the tests in my hand, and they all gave the same result. I wanted to feel relieved. Yes, relieved because of everything I went through during Juan's pregnancy and also what he went through when he was born, which just thinking about it makes my throat tighten. However, the feeling that came was sadness. I can't explain it, but deep down, I already felt like a mother. I throw all of them in the trash bin with their boxes and go back to my bed, where I fall asleep.
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