Decisions in the Balance

I stare at Filomena without words, I can't remember the last time I felt this way with her... It's as if I've exhausted all my excuses, lies, and ways out of this situation. I sit on the bed, never taking my eyes off my friend, with nowhere to run, and nothing left to say.

"Answer, Dalia," Filomena orders, sitting on the bed next to me. "Is this how far you've gone? Why didn't you talk to me? I had the right to know what was going on between you... I've kept your secrets for years, even though I disagreed with them, but now you've pulled this on me! Dalia, his wife is here, she came to the party, while you two were planning to play house in Switzerland."

"Filomena..."

"You let me hit on him without knowing anything. I, your best friend—or at least, that's what I thought we were—now it seems that to you, I'm just another person in this crazy life you want to pursue."

"I'm so sorry," I say, disoriented. "I know I failed you, I should have told you at the restaurant, but I couldn't."

"The only thing I wish you had done... was to be honest," Filomena says, sadly. "It's okay if you don't want to talk about him, for whatever reason, but you shouldn't have let me go as far as I did, completely blind. Friends don't do that to each other."

"Okay," I say, looking at Filomena, who takes a deep breath.

She runs her hand through her hair and then down to her mouth. I know she hasn't finished speaking, and I'm not willing to argue. I'm just relieved that someone knows what's going on and that it's her.

"Is that what you want? To leave your family and go after him?" Filomena asks.

"Well, it was just an invitation... I turned it down before, I can turn it down again."

"But is that what you want?" Filomena insists. "Because not long ago, you were crazy about Carlos... what's happening to you?"

"Today, I handed my husband to Dunny," I confess with a weak smile. "They are perfect together, they think alike, they are crazy about work, less emotional... everything I am not. Maybe I've just been getting in Carlos's way, and it's time to let him have what he deserves... and me too."

"And do you think that means being with X?" Filomena asks. "Do you really think that's what X wants?"

"I don't know, but what I do know is that I can't stay still here without a direction," I reply.

"I'm going to give you some advice, and I hope you listen to me very well this time. Before making any decision you want, talk to your husband to find out what's really going on between him and the Russian woman."

"Okay," I say, but I don't know if I'll actually do it. Just the possibility of him confirming what I think would devastate me.

"Another piece of advice: Don't blindly trust X. I know he may have promised you some things, but look at the situation he put you in. You met his wife, and right now, he's out there with her. When she called him, he didn't choose you; he went after her. Weigh that in your mind and see if he deserves to be with you," Filomena says, seriously.

She gets up from the bed and walks past me, leaving me with increasingly confused feelings. What should I do? What should I decide?

***

One week later...

I open the door of my house with Juan in my arms, and like every day, I find the apartment dark and without any sign of Carlos. I kiss my son's forehead, close the door, and take him to his room, where he falls asleep in a few minutes. I return to the living room, take off my shoes, and then lean back with my eyes closed, remembering the past few weeks, which now feel more like a dream... one that never happened. Carlos is in Lisbon, X is in Switzerland, and I'm here, exactly as I was before, alone. I look at my quiet house, which irritates me. It wasn't supposed to be like this... none of this was supposed to be like this... I get up from the couch and go to my bedroom, change clothes, and lie down on the bed, but my mind is restless. I need to do something, to change this; I can't bear to watch my life pass by and feel powerless. I need to do something, soon.

***

The day is breaking, and I'm already driving towards my parents' house. I've decided it's time to take control of my life. I park in front of my parent's house and go to my mother's room.

"Good morning, Mom," I say, hugging my mother as she finishes getting ready.

"Good morning," she responds, getting up.

"Is everything okay?" "Everything is great," I reply, excited. "I need to ask you if you could take care of Juan for two days... After the inauguration, I feel exhausted."

"Well, you've been working too much," my mother comments.

"Yes, now I need two days to travel, clear my mind, and then get back to work."

"Of course, especially if it means spending a few days with Carlos," my mother says. "You know, I'm glad you've come to your senses and are taking this trip; you both need this time alone."

"Okay," I say, stepping back. "I'll buy the tickets, and then I'll bring Juan here tomorrow. Thanks for your support."

"If you're fighting for your marriage, you'll always have my support," my mother explains.

I leave the room, but I can still hear her say, "Good luck."

***

After half an hour, I'm on the airline's website. In truth, I'm still not sure if I'll go to Lisbon to see Carlos. After the inauguration, we drifted apart completely, and maybe this would be our chance to be together and sort everything out once and for all. But every time I close my eyes, X's invitation comes back to me. Why not? Two days with him would give me a chance to find out if that's what he wants, to be with me. But what if I find out that I don't want to be with him? I look at the screen; I still haven't decided... Carlos or X?... I start filling in the information on the site slowly while weighing all the pros and cons of the two... Carlos or X?... Carlos or X?... Carlos or X?... Carlos or X?... Carlos or X?... Carlos or X?... Carlos or X?... Carlos or X?...

The screen shows that my purchase was successful.