Anna Karenina

Juan's hand touches my face, lightly tapping, and I wake up to find his brown eyes watching me. I stroke his curls, admiring my son's face with utmost care as if I'm keeping a great secret. Then, he lets out a beautiful laugh and turns towards Carlos, who also turns to find both of us awake. My husband smiles while tickling Juan's belly, and our little one giggles, trying to remove his father's big hands. I get on my knees on the bed and pretend to be angry at my husband.

"Release brave Juan or face the consequences," I playfully threaten.

"I prefer facing the consequences," declares my husband, shaking Juan's belly, causing him to burst into laughter.

"Let's go, brave Juan, let's defeat Captain Carlos," I encourage our son. Carlos pretends to surrender, laughing.

"Ahahahahaha, I surrender, I surrender," he declares, still chuckling.

"We won, Juan," I celebrate with our son, who rewards me with a big smile.

"Here's your prize," says my husband, giving me a quick kiss. He looks at Juan and continues, "And for you," reaching under the bed to retrieve Juan's Three Kings' Day present, handing it to our boy.

Juan's eyes light up as he holds his present carefully, then begins to tear the wrapping paper, laughing along the way, which makes all of us laugh. Inside, he finds a teddy bear. Juan holds his present with great care, while my husband hugs me, watching our son.

"Thank you," my husband says.

"For what?" I ask, curious.

"For the best gift of my life," he reveals, looking at Juan.

"Then I also thank you... for the best gift of my life."

"Our life," he corrects me.

"Our life."

***

On December 25th, the celebration is the same: gathering, food, singing, and happiness for all. We use the leftovers to make canelones with the remaining meat from yesterday. We sit at the table and eat until we can't anymore. We play a little more with Juan until it's time for the movie session, a tradition of ours as we are cinephiles.

We walk through the deserted streets of Barcelona, enjoying the peaceful afternoon sun. I feel the warmth of his hand in mine and then glance at my husband. Carlos is more relaxed, delicately holding my hand like it's a precious gem, as always. He looks at me and smiles, then looks ahead. The strong wind touches my face, tousling my hair. My husband stops walking, facing me. He tucks my hair behind my ear, caresses my face, and then gives me a gentle kiss. He steps back, smiling, and says:

"We've arrived, my darling."
I look towards the cinema, and there it is Anna Karenina. I smile at my husband, surprised. He's not a fan of romance, but he agreed to watch it because I had shown interest in seeing the movie that was yet to be released, and he remembered. Carlos holds my hand again and leads me toward the ticket counter, where we buy the tickets. Shortly after, we purchase popcorn and sodas, and we enter the movie session. As per our tradition, I rest my head on Carlos's shoulder, and he puts his arm behind my back while munching on popcorn. One of the things I love most about being married to Carlos is that our moments are simple but somehow manage to leave a lasting mark on me.

The film begins in 19th-century Russia, with Anna Karenina getting ready to visit her brother's house to console her sister-in-law, who is going through a marriage crisis due to her husband's infidelity. Anna has been married since she was 18 to Alexei Karenin, a wealthy government official, with whom she has a son. During her trip, she meets Count Vronsky, who starts courting her.

"If you are a good man, you will forget me," Anna tells the Count.

"And you, Anna, will you be able to forget me?" Vronsky asks.

Despite feeling attracted to him, Anna rejects him when Vronsky declares his feelings at the train station and decides to return to her city. However, the Count doesn't give up and travels to St. Petersburg, where Anna Karenina lives. He uses his connections, including Princess Betsy, a friend of Karenina's, to get closer to the woman who tries to resist his advances. Then comes the scene at the ball at Princess Betsy's house, where the two meet again.

"Are you happy to see me or not?" Count Vronsky asks Anna Karenina, as he spots her husband arriving at the ball.

I hold my breath, for a moment convinced that the Count's voice was X's. The scene continues tensely, with Karenina's husband on one side and Anna and Vronsky, with a friend of theirs pretending to chat with both.

"This must end," Anna Karenina tells Vronsky when they are alone. "You make me feel like I've done something wrong."

"What do you want me to do?" Vronsky asks.

"If you have any consideration for me, return my peace."

"I have no peace to give," Vronsky claims. "There is no peace for us. Only misery or the greatest happiness."

Then the princess approaches Anna Karenina's husband, saying she came to take her, but Anna refuses. That's when Anna's downfall begins. It makes me wonder: where did mine start? At what point in my story did I let X dominate me and live like this?

"Do you want me to go to Tashkent?" Vronsky asks Anna in another scene.

"No," I answer for her. My husband smiles, observing me enjoying the movie.

But just like when I spoke to X on the phone, Anna also doesn't give any response, puts on her black coat, and goes upstairs.

"Then I will go," concludes the Count.

"No!" shouts Anna from the top of the stairs. "I don't want you to go."

The film continues with Karenina making all the decisions to be with the Count. Her husband notices their closeness and tries to warn her, but I know it's too late... I look at Carlos and wonder if he ever suspected or still suspects me...

"You ruined my happiness," accuses Anna in Vronsky's arms, and he kisses her all over her body. "Murderer, murderer... Continue. Yes, keep going, murderer."

My body heats up as I vividly recall what it's like to be in the arms of a man like the Count...

"But I'm damned anyway," says Karenina, lying on the grass with Vronsky.

"Not me. I'm blessed," says the Count.

"Do you love me?" Anna asks the Count.

"Yes."

"Only me?"

"No."

He also loves his horse, but he assures that he loves Anna more than the horse, which I find highly unlikely.

"I'm pregnant," Anna reveals to the Count a few scenes later, shocking everyone in the room. I squeeze my husband's hand, and he strokes my thumb gently.

"Ah, my love," declares Vronsky. "Well, love was never a game for us. This is the end of life in the corners, an existence based on lies. Now we can be together."

"As Alexei?" Anna asks, referring to her husband.

"Tell everything to Karenin," Vronsky responds.

"Do you think he will wrap me up as a gift?"

"Let him."

"Let him become your lover?"

"Yes, run away."

"I will never see my son again."

Tears stream down my face. It's as if that scene was made for me. Would I be capable of leaving my son for X? No, the answer must be no.

"What happened?" asks the Count, to Anna, in the middle of the garden at night.

"I told him I'm your lover," Anna confesses, crying. "He thinks I can give you up."

"You can't do that," says Vronsky.

And then they kiss. What follows are the consequences of Anna's choice to be with Vronsky.

"What have I done to deserve this?" her husband asks when she reveals she's pregnant with the Count.

"Nothing..." I whisper.

He accepts her pregnancy at home, in agreement with the Count. Would Carlos accept with good grace a child that wasn't his?

Later, Anna gives birth, almost dies, and then asks for forgiveness from her husband and goes back to him. But it doesn't last long, and she runs away with the Count to Italy, where they struggle to make friends. Back in Russia, she becomes increasingly anxious and isolated, while Vronsky maintains a social life. Despite Vronsky's reassurances, she becomes more possessive and paranoid about her lover's infidelity, losing control, especially without being able to see her son.

Deep down, I perfectly understand the jealousy Anna feels towards Vronsky and being possessive. Just like her, I know nothing about X, and he has never given me anything concrete all these years. I don't even know if the fact that Filomena didn't sleep with him is true. He always had others besides me, just like the Count. Maybe I'm becoming as paranoid as Anna.
As the movie continues, Anna becomes increasingly jealous and irrational about Vronsky, suspecting him of having relations with another woman. She also fears that he will accept his mother's offer to marry a wealthy woman from high society, someone she thought she knew.

"(...) Do you wish to spend Sunday with Princess Sorokina?" Anna asks the Count, mentioning the prospective bride chosen by his mother.

"Please, don't ruin everything," Vronsky pleads.

"I will go on Sunday, or I won't go at all."

"This is absurd."

"It's absurd to you because you don't understand my life here," Anna replies desperately.

"Anna."

"No, you stopped loving me. You gave up everything for my sake, and that's why you turned against me. Why lie?"

"Stop!"

"I postpone your departure a little, and you tell me that I don't love you."

"Because I have been living on your love, and it's over. So it's all over."

She starts thinking that the only way to end her torment is suicide. In her mental and emotional confusion, she sends a telegram to Vronsky, urging him to come and see her immediately. Without a quick response from the messenger, her confusion and anger grow.

"Oh, my God," Anna says, throwing herself on the train tracks. "Forgive me."

The train runs over Anna Karenina. Other things happen throughout the movie, but I stopped at this scene. Will X be capable of driving me to the point of contemplating suicide? Would I be able to tell Carlos the truth and live with the consequences? Anna chose the truth, but she paid dearly and wasn't recognized. Is X worth it?

I wipe my tears after the screening, and Carlos hugs me. I'm sure he believes I'm touched by the beauty of the movie, but I'm sad about Anna's fate, as from that movie theater, I'm the one who understands the most what was going on in her mind and how real that situation can be.

We walk back to my parents' house in silence. The cold weather forces me to snuggle in Carlos's arms, and he seems content to have taken me to watch Anna Karenina.

"You know, seeing you moved today made watching this movie worth it," Carlos says, interrupting the silence. He stops in front of me and continues, "I want you to know that I will always strive to see you happy. That's what I intend to do even while being in Lisbon. I want to show the world that 'Happily Ever After' can be real. Will you help me make that happen, Dalia?"

"I'd prefer if we didn't make promises," I reply. "I will try, but I don't want us to promise anything. We have never been able to keep our promises until now."

"But this time, I know I will keep it. So I promise to make you happy even from afar. I promise to always be present with my family. I promise," says Carlos, kissing my hands.