Switzerland

Four months later...

Over time, we became accomplices, and each day my feelings for X grew. His words warmed me and made me happy.

Mr.X says:
I'm sorry I didn't talk to you yesterday. To make up for it, a poem.

"You will know that I do not love you and that I love you
since from two different directions the earth,
the word is an arctic bird winging in the silence,
the fire is an antelope with slippery hooves.

For love, to feel love for you, to begin to love you,
to again have the infinite ahead of us,
to not stop loving you ever:
that's why I don't yet love you.

I love you and I don't love you as if I had
the keys to the spring and a vulnerable destiny.

My love has two lives to love you.
That's why I love you when I don't love you,
and that's why I love you when I love you."
Pablo Neruda

As much as I didn't want to admit it: I am addicted to Mr.X. He always said good morning and good night, always remained present, and when he couldn't, he always found a way to talk to me.

Mr.X says:
Good night, Doce.

Dália Penedo Salazar says:
Good night, X.

Mr.X says:
I have some news to tell you. Actually, you are the first person I'm sharing this with.

Dália Penedo Salazar says:
Tell me, I'm dying of curiosity.

Mr.X says:
I'm applying for a position as a division director in Switzerland. If everything goes well, Switzerland will soon be my new home.

My heart freezes. Switzerland? How can he even think of going to Switzerland? The time difference must be significant, and soon I won't be able to talk to X. Is this the end for us? I've gotten used to his trips to France, Italy, and Austria. But now he's moving...

Mr.X says:
Doce? Are you there?

Dália Penedo Salazar says:
Hey... Well... I think it's too hasty... Have you thought this through? Have you considered that your wife may not like the idea? I think you should reconsider.

Mr.X says:
Dália, relax. I'm just applying; I might not even get it. And as for my wife, I've already booked our favorite restaurant, and I'll tell her tonight. I know her well enough to know that she'll support me. I didn't expect this from you.

Dália Penedo Salazar says:
I support you, X. But what if you end up going to Switzerland? How will it be? Have you thought about everyone involved? How will it be for both of us? And what about your other virtual partners?

Mr.X says:
Other virtual partners? Dália, I've only been talking to you for a long time; I'm exclusively yours online.

Dália Penedo Salazar says:
So, how will it be? Surely, our schedules won't align anymore... we'll grow apart, and then... it will be the end. And then you'll find someone else to replace me.

Mr.X says:
Dália, are you jealous?

Jealous? Me? I can't be jealous because if I am... it means I'm in love with X.

Dália Penedo Salazar says:
No, of course not. I'm going out. Good luck in Switzerland. Bye.

I log out of MSN but not out of my heart, which is pounding rapidly. Am I falling in love with X?

***

With time, my feelings became confused. I feel that I love my husband, but I spend most of my time thinking about X. I easily get irritated when he talks about his wife or gives me marriage advice. Then my addiction transformed into... passion. A terrible passion that hurts in my chest. No matter how much I tried to avoid it, I always found a way to hint at my feelings to X. Especially when the subject was his wife, my most hated topic.

Mr.X says:
Since it was her birthday, I bought her a necklace as a gift.

Dália Penedo Salazar says:
How I wish I had a husband as considerate as you, X.

Mr.X says:
You have one, Dália. Can I give you some advice?

Dália Penedo Salazar says:
Only if at the end of it, my husband turns into you. Otherwise, no thanks.

Mr.X says:
Dália...

Dália Penedo Salazar says:
Dália, no. I like it when you call me Sweetie.

Mr.X says:
Dália, don't let yourself be carried away by emotions. I'm just like any other guy. Instead of focusing on my actions, pay attention to your husband's actions. You'll see that we're not so different.

Dália Penedo Salazar says:
As you wish.

Mr.X says:
Goodbye, Doce.

Dália Penedo Salazar says:
Goodbye, X.

No matter how much I tried to follow X's advice, I saw no resemblance between him and Carlos. Not that my husband wasn't affectionate; he tried, but we were so distant that it seemed pointless to like him. I feel that it's time to tell X the truth.

Mr.X says:
Good morning, Doce.

Dália Penedo Salazar says:
Good morning, X... We need to talk.

Mr.X says:
Alright. Is there a problem with college? Your husband? Your family? Something I can help with?

Dália Penedo Salazar says:
My problem is you, X. I'm in love with you. I can't stop thinking about you, and it's tearing me apart. I can't hold this feeling inside me anymore, and deep down, I know you feel the same. So it's time for us to be clear with each other. I am hopelessly in love with you.

Mr.X says:
Dália, no...

Dália Penedo Salazar says:
I know, X. I know I shouldn't let myself be carried away by emotions. But I'm already completely involved in this feeling, and I can't deny it anymore.

Mr.X says:
Dália, pay close attention. This feeling you think you have for me... it's just in your head. You're too young to understand and differentiate what's going on between us. It's completely normal to confuse things at your age... and I was foolish to believe that you had the maturity to handle it. I thought I had made it clear what was going on between us... but apparently, I didn't. So I'll be clearer now: I'm not in

love with you, and you're not in love with me either. I am in love with and love my wife, and you are also in love with and love your husband. Prioritize your marriage, and make it work with your husband! You have a marriage to focus on, work on it, and forget about me. At least for now, I think it's best if we keep our distance. Goodbye, Dália.

Mr.X is offline.

My heart was shattered in the coldest way I could imagine. I keep rereading the rejection I received from X multiple times. He's right; I have to fight for my marriage to work, even if it means stopping talking to X forever.