Ginger Fox Part 2
“Love couldn’t spare you from feeling shame, from not wanting me by your side. Look at how you’re looking at me now. Do you think Jon could look at me differently, other than feeling disgusted by me?”
“Disgust? Is that what you think I feel about you, Baby?” She presses her lips together, covering her face while shouting. “I feel pain, I feel betrayed, but I don’t feel disgust. I feel hurt and anger for never telling Jon the truth.”
“Gim, I couldn’t be his father…”
“No, you couldn’t, because you’re the mother! That’s what you are, that’s what you should have been to him. Being a woman isn’t about having; it’s about being!” Gim points at me, angry, shouting with rage. “You don’t need to have a vagina to be a woman; it’s about feeling like a woman, feeling the natural instinct of motherhood screaming inside you. And that’s what you felt when you held him for the first time, and yet you silenced him. Why did you silence him?”
She lets her arms fall by her sides, looking lost at me.
“Look at me, Gim.” I pound my chest, feeling the pain eating me inside. “Look at Jonathan... What is he? What am I? What have we both become because of a destroyed childhood? We’re two toxic souls. I didn’t want this for my son; I just wanted him to be happy, even if it was away from me. And I was afraid…” My arms wrap around my body, holding myself tight as if I could restrain the pain that’s consuming me. “Afraid he wouldn’t love me, of making him feel ashamed, and it was this fear that made me beg Roy to take care of him for me. It was this fear of being rejected and destroying his childhood that I only watched him grow from afar, enjoying summers with him. Do you really think he’d be proud to tell others his mother is a transgender woman?”
“That’s something we’ll never know; Jon wasn’t given a choice.” Her words are harsh, just like her gaze, but they hurt me even more, not for being cruel but for being true. “Jon would have been proud just for having a mother. Children are born with that natural acceptance; they don’t judge, they just love. You lived so long trapped in a body that wasn’t yours, scared and withdrawn, that you took away the love of the only person who needed Baby, not James.”
She moves slowly, looking lost around the room. Her hands rise, rubbing her face, and she walks towards the door. I’m crying again, as if I’m losing myself once more. Gim is my only friend, the only one who truly sees me, and the fact that she’s not looking me in the eyes is hurting me.
“Gim... Gim, please.” In a desperate act, I hold her shoulders, pulling her to me. I rub my fingers on her shoulders, then up to her face. “It’s still me... Please, Gim.” I cry in anguish, just needing her to look at me. “Don’t pull away, please. You saw me when no one else did. It was Baby you saw... I don’t want to lose you. I couldn’t risk losing you, so I didn’t tell you.”
“What else didn’t you tell me, Baby?” Her black eyes lock onto mine, staring at me through her tears.
I feel her fingers clinging to my dress with the same pain I hold her face.
“Once, at the pool, you told me you were bisexual.” I pull my face back slightly to look at her whole face.
“Yes, I didn’t lie about that. I may be transgender, female, but that doesn’t stop me from being attracted to both sexes, just as a healthy woman can be bisexual.”
Gim releases her fingers, turning her eyes away from mine again. Her steps move back, rubbing her face with her anxious fingers.
“You said you had all the surgeries you could, from breasts, waist, Adam’s apple, to cheekbones to look more feminine, your voice…” I nod in affirmation, confirming for her. I don’t understand why her mind is returning to this part of the conversation.
“Yes, I did… But…”
“Your genitalia?” I fall silent, watching her turn her face back to my body. “Did you have sex reassignment surgery, Baby?”
“It’s not a sex reassignment surgery that changes a person’s gender, Gim. Gender is something built, and I built mine when I finally accepted myself as I am…”
“That night in Sodom, I remember you said Jonathan would control the dicks that went between my legs… The first was his; I was sure of that that night in the closet. And the second dick that fucked me was yours?” she asks, sobbing softly. I see her face closing off as she shakes her head in disapproval.
“It wasn’t like that when you learned about Jonathan…”
“Jonathan didn’t hide a gender transition from me, Baby.” Her hand releases her face, letting her wounded eyes stare at me.
“We all hide something, Gim…”
“Don’t you dare lie to me, Baby!” Her voice cuts through me, making me shrink. I step back until I feel my legs hit the bed, letting my body fall onto the mattress. “Answer my question! The second dick that fucked me was yours, wasn’t it?”
“Gim, I…”
It’s a whirlwind, an angry shadow that passes quickly, not looking at me. My eyes close with the slam of the door, which crashes as she leaves the room. I feel my heart breaking in every way, overwhelmed by pain and despair.
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