Book 1: Chapter 37

Blinking, I stared at the door, then down at Solaris and then back at the door. Finn usually was easy to read. His emotions in the forefront but I was met by a wall when I tried to reach out through our bond. Walking over to the kitchen, I started to clean up the dishes after my now useless attempt to make dinner for all of us. I had to stop every couple minutes though. Fear gripping me. What if she stopped breathing? What if her heart stopped? I had to listen, confirm I could still hear it. I watched as the blankets rose and fell with her breathing. Once I was satisfied, I continued cleaning. Only for pure fear to strike me again after a minute, forcing me to stop, listen, and watch.

Finally, after a few minutes of constant checking, I gave up doing anything. Walking over to the bed, I pulled back the covers and slipped in next to her. I’d put her a little more towards the center. Her usual spot was on the left side of the bed, Finn in the middle, and me on the right. Now, I slipped into her spot. Once the blankets were readjusted, I scooted closer to her. My head partially resting on her shoulder so I could hear her faint breaths in my ear. My arm slung over her and pulled her more against my body. The motion of her breathing I could feel as her chest moved up and down with my arm.

“Solaris…” I whispered her name.

Everything broke in me. I crumbled, having the weight of what just happened slam into me. Auto-pilot shutting off, my emotions catching up. Biting my lip, I curled up against her like a child and sobbed. Tears streaming down my face, I just buried my face in her shoulder. My entire body shook.

My love, my Alpha, my best friend could have died tonight. Tonight could have been the night. Us not getting to say goodbye, just watching in pure panic and fear as she doubled over wrenching and coughing out the last of her life. She’d had episodes before but this was worse. We had to brace ourselves for more of this? Right now, I couldn’t fathom going through that again. Not knowing if she would be alive after a minute or five or ten.

Fingers ran through my hair and my eyes lifted to see Solaris looking back at me. She had a sad smile on her face. The look in her eyes made me fall apart even more, crying and burying my face deeper into her shoulder. She turned off her back, gathering me up and holding me close, my face now buried into her chest.

“You saved me, Noah. I couldn’t breathe and you saved me.”

Shaking my head, there were no words. Her hand still ran through my hair and I felt her lips press against the top of my head.

“Thank you.”

My hands fisted my shirt she was wearing. I didn’t want her thank you. I didn’t want her saying I saved her. Because I didn’t, I couldn’t. I could only put off the inevitable. I couldn’t save my Alpha. The woman who pulled me from darkness more times than I cared to admit. My best friend, my other mate, my other lover was dying still. I’d done nothing and I felt the pain searing into my heart. The thought of losing her and of life continuing without her; all of it hurt too much. All my thoughts stabbed my heart and soul continuously.

“Noah, hush now. It’s okay.” Solaris tried to soothe me. Soothe the sobs and my shaking.

“It’s not. It never will be.” My voice was quiet between the cries and my face pushed again her.

She heard it though, her stroking pausing for a moment before gathering me up further and pulling me closer.

“You’re right.” Her words also quiet.

Between my own emotional exhaustion and the sound of Solaris’ heartbeat, I feel asleep. No matter how deep I felt myself falling asleep, I was listening to her steady heartbeat. Fear now etched even deeper into me. The fear of not just losing her, but a future without her.

The bed dipped and woke me slightly, Finn crawling into bed late, coming in to sandwich Solaris between us. He fell asleep almost immediately, his snores filling the room. I just burrowed my head deeper, closing my eyes and tuning out his aborning for her heartbeat. That she was alive, for now.

-

Slipping out of the bed, I made sure to be a quiet as possible. Pulling on sweats, I looked at Solaris, now flipped. She was cuddled up against Finn who was still snoring. Making my way down the stairs after shutting the door softly, I grabbed the box of cigarettes and a lighter. I perched on one of the picnic tables we had out out back in between our bar and the forest. My ass on the table, my feet on the bench, I leaned over and lit a cigarette, smoking it.

It wasn’t cold but it also wasn’t hot this early in the morning. The clock said it was 5:30 a.m. Too early for Finn of Solaris to be up. Even the morning dewy mist had stuck around still, though mostly in the trees. I tried to keep my mind blank. Tried to just smoke, focus on inhaling and exhaling. Something felt like it was caught in my throat. My mind slipping back to Solaris bent over and blood pouring out of her mouth. The scene scarred into my memory. Stuck reliving it over and over. 

My fear now replaced with a mess of emotions. Anger, sadness, hopelessness, and worry were just the tip of the iceberg I was sinking into. Solaris was never meant to be ours, not really. Finn and I knew that. We knew we had her for a limited amount of time and we would give her our all the mean time. Follow her to the end. But the end was in sight now. An end I couldn’t bare to see anymore.

Running my hand through my hair, I leaned over more and took another drag from my cigarette. The back door opened and I looked up to see Finn walking out. My eyes narrowed.

“You should be asleep, or at the very least watching over her.”

“She’s okay right now. She just needs rest.”

I scoffed, putting out the now burned down cigarette and lighting another one. Another big inhale and I let it all out. “Doesn’t change the fact that you came to bed late. You’ve got at least another few hours to catch up on.”

“Noah…”

“Don’t fucking ‘Noah’ me. Don’t you dare. After last night, don’t you fucking say shit.”

He sighed, leaning against the door. “She needed you more than she needed me.”

“Do you believe that bullshit you’re spewing? Because I don’t.”

“You saved her!”

I shook my head. “I didn’t fucking save her. I delayed the inevitable.”

Finn sighed. “That’s not…”

“Oh no. That’s exactly what I did. What we are doing. I won’t be fucking thanked for doing that.”

“Noah, stop. You’re falling into anger again.”

My eyes flicked, my wolf coming forward for a second but I shoved him back. He was a rogue. Finn and I both had control but when you had been rogues for a long as we had, our wolves were wilder than normal. Plus, my wolf side was a different story than Finn. Especially with my lack of emotional control.

“I said that I wouldn’t take out my anger on Sol, not that I wasn’t fucking angry. Not that I feel…” I trailed off, putting the cigarette to my lips.

He sighed and walked forward. His hand cupped my cheek. My eyes fluttered shut against the onslaught of sparks that raced between our touch.

“My love, it’s going to eat you.”

My eyes opened up and stared into Finn’s. “It already has. I’m not like you.”

“I mean, that’s a good thing. I have my own issues but Sol needs both of us. Balancing each other and her out. We have to be strong when she can’t.”

Shaking my head, I put the cigarette out in the ashtray. I leaned forward, my forehead resting against his shoulder. His arms wrapped around my back and I closed my eyes again.

“I already lost someone I love. By my own hands and now I can’t even do anything for another. What use am I? What can I actually do?”

“We can’t protect everyone. We can’t save everyone. You know that.” Finn’s hands rubbed my circles.

My hands balled into fists. “How long before I lose you too?”

“Noah!” Finn stopped rubbing my back and grabbed my chin, pulling my head up to meet his eyes. “Don’t you fucking dare say that. You aren’t losing me. We knew Sol was dying. We’ve known and it’s going to be excruciating. We are going to see pieces of ourselves die every time we bring her back from the brink before she finally leaves us for good. She will become weaker and for the first time we will be stronger than her. But that doesn’t mean you will lose me too!” Finn’s anger raged through the bond before he continued.

“We will have to be strong together. Because you and I are going to continue even after her death. It will just be you and I. I will not lose you and you will not lose me, do you understand?”

I nodded but my belief wasn’t there. Finn saw it too and he growled.

“Noah White, you are the more infuriating wolf I’ve ever fucking come across.” 

His lips slammed against mine, angry and hungry. Finn’s nails dug into my chin and into my side, his nails shifting slightly into his claws. He was beyond angry but not just with me. I let him dig in, attack and bite my lips. I resigned myself to his anger but it didn’t make him happy. It made it worse, his wolf coming forward and angrily growling at me. Wanting me to fight back and when I dragged my eyes back up to look at his, tears streamed down my cheeks. Suddenly, his wolf was gone and so were the nails.

“Noah?” Finn’s fingers brushed the tears from my face. His eyes searched mine.

Swallowing hard, I closed my eyes. “I’m scared.”

The anger coming from the bond melted. Finn didn’t quite know what to do outside of brush my cheeks and hold me. It wasn’t a loud cry, no sobs. Just tears falling down my face. The frustration and pain overflowing to the point of coming out in a flow of tears.

“My mate…”

Looking up, the sun was starting to show more, the sky lightening to its soon to be clear sunny day.

“Go back to sleep, Finn. I’ll set up the bar after I work out for a bit.”

“But…”

I glared at him. “I’m not asking, Finn. I’m not suggesting. Now.”

He looked bewildered at the moment but his hands slipped from me and he turned, going back into the bar. Taking a deep breath, I cracked my back and shoulders. Getting up, I swallowed down everything got to work. I couldn’t let it drown me. Not now. Not yet.