Chapter 24

Euniel
I have always believed since my early childhood that I had no right to love, nor to be loved.
LOVE! This little four-letter word that triggers the most terrible avalanches, the most overwhelming sorrows and pains. It leaves damage and tears in its path, like a tsunami or typhoon after its terrible passage. I've always believed it shouldn't exist. Indeed, I think the world would be better off if it wasn't here. This feeling that led people destined for a great future to make decisions that diverted them from their glorious destiny. Why one should feel this feeling to end up suffering atrociously when the loved one disappears overnight, or even breaks our hearts? How is it possible to entrust your heart to a third party and count on the person to nurture it as if it had been the one's own? While we know very well that the human being is by nature selfish, and that he will never put interests of his fellow man above his own. I find it simply absurd to feel love towards another person. And as good rational as I am, I always had in mind to live without bothering myself with this stupid feeling.
I lived a life devoid of love, and this feeling never seemed important to me. I wanted to understand those who inflict this pain on themselves to love deliberately, when they know the great risk they run in doing so. Many end up crying at the end and sometimes become embittered and swear not to let themselves be loved again. However, they end up betraying this promise and getting caught up in this mysterious gear. Even those who proudly claim to have found the love of their life, they live a daily life littered with the stress and turmoil caused by this love. I would so much like to enter the minds of these people and understand what motivates them so much to love despite the known vices of love. Perhaps this is why I chose the profession of psychology? Yes, I would say that my experience played a significant role in it. My progenitor, the one who was supposed to prove the meaning of love to me more than anyone else, was not damned to stay with me. She left me deliberately to go about her life. If maternal love was refused to me, this love considered as the purest and truest in the world, if I was not entitled to it, what was the use of giving credit to this feeling which purpose was to make bitter and embittered those it touched? Who else could love me if my own mother denied me that love? My father, the only loved one I had, after my mother left, never cared about me. I think he went on with his life as a bachelor whose young child that I was bothered. Luckily, I was not asking for nothing more than to eat the bare minimum he made available to me and to have a roof under which to sleep. I was making myself very small since my childhood. I knew that I was not subject to being loved. I was content with what God had put under my way. I believe that this attitude saved me from good from evil situations. I hadn't given my father a reason to leave me in an orphanage.
It is with this mentality that I grew up. I never left room for love in my heart. However, I was far from imagining that this young girl would appear in my life as an armed gang surprises a family sleeping peacefully during the night. This feeling came over me like assailants pouring on big booty. In all my life, I had not had a girlfriend. Just fleeting relationships with no future. I therefore consider sentimental relationships as chimeras, obstacles to achieving one's goals. My friends called me abnormal, an alien. This love, I don't want it in my life. I refuse to be conditioned by a simple feeling. I cannot be reduced to acting on how I feel about another person. I have always put my independence and autonomy first. No question of a trivial four-letter word turning everything upside down in my life.
It is therefore with these thoughts that I armed myself to attack the week which was to follow. This budding love for Muse is just beginning. So I'm going to suffocate it before it comes out of its shell. I don't need a third person to interfere with my already perfect lifestyle. I am fine as I am. The week started very well with my resolutions. I received Muse for her first session of the week. Everything went wonderfully. I managed to be as professional as possible. I should never have crossed that barrier by asking her to go out with me the first time. In that case, this whole incident would never have happened.
However, I had to make superhuman efforts not to jump out of my seat and hug Muse. Her smile sent only one signal to my mind, that of kissing her passionately. What is this feeling that seems to tame me so much? I must have breathed a sigh of relief after she left my office. The session that followed, I prepared myself even better than the previous one to repress any feeling towards Muse. I was a psychologist, and because of this, I could come to grips with any situation, even if it was about my feelings. Why couldn't I control myself with this feeling? Muse came to her last session of the week and as usual she is breathtakingly beautiful. Its beauty can be compared to the last ripe mango in an arid desert. It simply cannot go unnoticed. Her innocence, her candor... I will never tire of looking at her. However, I preserve myself as much as I can so as not to show my sentimental suffering. Muse is also much better than when she came here at the beginning. She regains her self-confidence and no longer sees all human beings as wishing her harm. It's true that the hardest thing to do is to get her to trust others, but it's already a big step for her not to be afraid of people. At the end of today's session, Muse gave me some news which, instead of making me happy, had rather the opposite effect on me.
"Doctor, this is our last session today." She announces it to me, avoiding looking me straight in the eye.
"Ah yes? And why so? Have you found another psychologist?" I ask her with a tinge of disappointment in my eyes.
"Oh no, not at all! You are unquestionably the best psychologist and I would choose you out of a thousand." She hastens to tell me.
My heart jumps in the chest hearing her say this to me. I feel like relieved. However, I still don't understand why she wants to stop the follow-up sessions. Does she also want to run away from me? Would she feel trapped in her feelings just like me! With a curious air, I ask her
"And what prompted you to put an end to your psychology sessions then?"
"It's because school starts in two weeks. I'm going to enroll in the final class to take my baccalaureate."
Until then, I still don't understand why she wants to stop seeing me. Can the school prevent her from coming to her psychology sessions as usual? I wanted to tell her that she could continue her sessions and go to school at the same time, and that we were just going to adjust the schedules and the days of meetings, but she is ahead of me.
"I will be traveling to Britain, probably this Sunday." She said to me, lowering her face looking sorry.
I think it's the worst news I could learn, even if at the beginning of the week, I made resolutions to get away from her.
"Oh..." I stammer sadly.
"I'm sorry, my dad taught me that just a week ago." She replies in a small voice.
Upon hearing the news, I couldn't say anything, I was so sad to hear it. So I remain silent for more than two minutes.
"How about we go out tomorrow to celebrate your departure? After all, is that good news right?!"
I'm just saying this on a whim, but in reality, I was in pain learning it.
"Okay, I owe it to you at least." She responds with a sad look. I believe that she too is not happy with these farewells.
Throughout the night, I could hardly close my eyes. Why is this young girl bothering me so much? It's not possible to suffer so much when less than two months ago I was living a peaceful life without bothering anyone or anything. This love falls on me and I now suffer from her absence.
Muse
Today is the day I'm going out with Euniel. I think things will be more difficult than I thought they would be. I am very sad to say my goodbyes to him. I could see a glint of disappointment in his eyes that made my heart ache. Just in a few weeks that we met, he became an important person in my eyes. And I who thought that the best for me was to get away from him, I think I was wrong all along the line. A part of me needs to stay here, content with his reassuring presence and his gaze that would make the most chaste of all nuns deny her vows. However, this fear of not being up to par, of being disappointed as in the past, pushes me not to give a chance to a possible relationship between us. And I think that's the best thing to do. I can't decide, like on a whim, to ruin my future just because of love, a simple feeling that never reassures me.
In the evening, I tell my father that I want to go out for a walk and he doesn't mind. So I go out after receiving the message from Euniel informing me that he was waiting for me in front of the gate. Euniel's devouring gaze on me destabilizes me when I go out towards him. He is leaning against his car, his arms crossed over his chest. He is just handsome enough to see, he looks like a god. Euniel is tall young man, about 1m 90. From his arms preceded by square shoulders, a certain power emerges which makes you want to take refuge there. Despite his tall stature, he has slightly arched feet. His delicate greenish eyes are his charm and above all, he is very brown in complexion, he looks like a failed albino. He knows how to dress in such a way that his torso stands out like chocolate bars like an athlete. His style is not complex, on the contrary, it is simple and that is what makes him handsome. He would not go unnoticed, his imposing and charismatic stature is so impressive at first sight. During our last outing, I could see girls and even women of a certain age drooling when we passed. They looked at me with so much envy and jealousy. I stood frozen contemplating his beautiful body for more than two minutes without a word coming out of my mouth. And I think he also seems to appreciate what he sees from me. Indeed, I can notice how he stares down at me.
"Hi!" I say to break this long silence between us. Euniel jumps as if coming back from a deep sleep, then he answers in a barely audible voice
"Hi you're very pretty!"
"Thank you! You are also not bad!" I compliment him back.
He hurries to open the car door for me and I rush in without failing to stammer a "thank you". He takes the wheel and we leave without delay.
"I have two places that come to mind and I would like you to choose where you would like us to go..."
"I would appreciate it if you take me to the beach like last time." I ask him without giving him time to finish his sentence.
"As you wish my princess!" He responds by looking at me with his beautiful eyes. At the same time, I feel shivers running through my whole body. I hurry to avert my eyes from his, so much do they produce sensations that overwhelm me deep inside me. The rest of the journey passes in total silence between us. At a certain moment, Euniel feeling the awkward silence, put on some music and it was more pleasant. The atmosphere gradually relaxed in the car.
We arrive at the beach almost at sunset time. We get out of the car and instinctively, Euniel takes my hand. The contact of his skin on mine has the effect of an electric shock. We walk to the rock of the last time. He helps me up, holding my hand firmly, then we'll take our place at the top of this rock. Everything happens in silence. No one dares to speak. Euniel sits down and invites me to do the same. I run without being asked. We remain seated side by side, admiring the beauty offered by the panoramic view. We don't talk to each other, but this silence is more than telling. I can feel Euniel wanting this moment to drag on, just like me. His heart doesn't want me to go, just like his intense gaze on me. We stay in this position until sunset. The splendor of this landscape worthy of a fairy movie is replaced by the darkness which begins to spread little by little around us. None of us moved from our position.
"I have to do it, I have to go." I whisper as if a question had been asked of me. Suddenly, Euniel takes my hand and presses it against his chest, then he brings it to his mouth and places a tender kiss there while my heart is pounding to want to get out of its cage. He suddenly stands up and leans towards me. Unexpectedly, he lifts me off the ground and comes down with me. When we arrive at the foot of the rock, he drops me on the ground. However, he doesn't let go of my hand. He walks slowly with me for a few minutes. He stops and forces me to do the same. Without my seeing it, I can feel his piercing gaze on me. His breathing is more and more jerky. It seems like there is a battle going on inside of him.
"Don't leave me Muse! I would be lying if I told you that it's good news to see you go. Please stay! I wanted to fight with my heart to keep you away from me, but it's stronger than me. I can't bear to see you go away from me. I know you very little, but you have embedded yourself in my heart and in my head. You have become the center of my world. . Muse, I love you!" He murmurs this last sentence which produces in me an avalanche of emotions.
No, he can't love me! I have no right to be loved. As I feel my whole body shaking at that statement, Euniel leans in and captures my lips unexpectedly. The kiss is so intense that I feel a warmth invading my whole body. I'm like hovering in the air. However, everything falls apart when I feel his hand caressing my back, then down to my buttocks. I suddenly become tense. I see the scene of the rapes with Pen again, then I feel like a blockage rising in me. I quickly pull away from him, screaming
"Stop, stop! Don't touch me, you rapist!"
I then burst into tears. Euniel lets me calm down, then comes over to me. I throw myself into his arms while sobbing.
"I'm sorry I couldn't control myself! Forgive me Muse!" He apologizes in a soft, tender voice. I manage to calm myself down, then I loosen myself from his embrace.
"I'm sorry Euniel! I'm not ready to commit to a relationship right now. My life is way too complicated for that. Look at you, you're a perfect man. You have everything to have the best girls on your feet. I cannot meet your expectations of me." I tell him, coming back to the harsh reality.
"But it's you alone that my heart has chosen Muse. I don't care if the other girls are interested in me or are more good for me. It's you I love mia amore!"
Euniel spoke with a serious tone. I was struggling inside to choose to listen to my reason and not my heart that was screaming at me to drop everything and give both of us a chance.
"No Euniel. You deserve much better than a mentally deranged person like me. I will never be able to have a normal relationship with such a complex past. You are young, beautiful and rich. Find yourself another woman, and forget what you have. could feel for me one day."
"It's you I want Muse, don't turn your back on me, don't give up on me darling. I'm ready to wait for whatever time it takes for you to heal from your trauma." He insists on making it more difficult for me.
"Please don't insist Euniel. Take me home and stop trying to see me!" I cut the broken heart.
Paulina
Pen and I brainstormed a strategy to get closer to this man who helped Muse escape from the brothel. We already know who he is, where he lives and his activities. Don't we say to be close to your friend, but above all to keep your enemy closer to you? This man knows our secrets and it's very dangerous for our business. It is therefore imperative that we prevent him from doing anything that could be detrimental to us.
"Are you ready for your journey?" I ask Pen while I'm lying on his chest after a good romp.
"Yes, from this weekend, I will travel to his city of residence. For a start, I will stay in a hotel until I find an apartment." He responds by stroking my hair.
"Very well! With your professional experience and your diplomas, I am sure that this man will not hesitate to find you a job within his company."
"Yes, I'm convinced of that too. But I have to meet him in person and give him my application. I'll know how to talk to him and get him to hire me." Pen explains to me and I agree with his idea.
"But I will miss you very much my love. Living more than 500 kilometers apart will be very difficult for me." I tell him looking sad.
"Come here honey, don't be sad okay? We'll see each other at least once a month." Pen responds by hugging me. I really don't want him to go away from me.
"But once a month is very little for me. I want to see you whenever I want you. And if we found another person to do this task for you?" I propose to her by raising my head then I support her by my hand by leaning on my elbow.
"No my angel! Another person will not be able to do this job like me. You know that it takes either you or me to manage this type of business for the result to be impeccable." He retorts convincingly and I think he is right.
This is the idea that Pen and I finally settled on. He's going to go to the town where the man lives who made Muse run away from the brothel. The plan is to first land a position within the company. Thanks to this work, he will be able to monitor the actions of Mr. Hawam and see what his flaws are and how we can exploit them.