To the Land of the Living

Emily was tired,she could feel it in her bones. She was still alive then, in a way she did not want to be, not when her back ached and stung from the wounds like she had poured drops of alcohol into it.
She had been in bed for how long now, she wasn't sure, she felt warmth in the room all around her the sounds of people talking and then the rough sounds of slight panic before everything settled into a full dull muttered.
She didn't want to wake up, she had been asleep for likely quite some time too many days of being stuck in the same bed with the same dreams too many days of the same images of bleeding and far too many days of having hate and rage and sorrow, pure unadulterated sorrow running through her veins.
She knew that Bruce was dead so she did not want to face it , and Aspen was alive – she had heard her voice or so she liked to tell herself she was not ready to think on the near death experience that always triggered something in her.
Sometimes as she lay there in that bed she felt her mother and Sam, she wondered on moments when the pain was not too bad if she would wake and find herself back at home in a time when all these things that plagued her didn't matter because they didn't exist.
The problem wasn't the fact that she could never go back home though, no– the problem was the fact that if she was given the chance she would likely make the same choice if she was given a chance she would not run away.
With that finally realized she woke from her bed a little tired, letting her eyes open to the bright light in the room
" Emily, darling" her mother hissed in joy and she knew she had not been dreaming.
Her mother was here and she was holding her hand
" Mama " she whimpered tears filling her eyes as she gave into tear
"oh my darling, cry" she mumbled pulling her into her chest as she started to cry her face buried in her mother's embrace.
It took a while to be able to sit up she still felt weak but she did and when she saw Aspen laid on a bed opposite her she broke down again.
Logan walked into the room, a few hours later, he sat at the edge of the bed looking serious and tired. She wanted to hold him, comfort him, but he was so hard and invisible to reach and did not seem to want any part of her advice
" How are you" she asked and he shrugged
" Doing as well as I can, and you" he asked and she smiled softly hoping to put him at ease. He did not smile back or do anything to make her feel like he was present.
She asked for his help to
" I need to use the bathroom," she huffed a little embarrassed, it would have been nice to do it by herself but she was still unsteady on her feet.
He carried her into his arms and led her to the bathroom and she closed the door behind her.
She stood in front of the mirror, she was pale likely because of the blood her skin was lined with scratches and welts from wounds.
She made use of the bathroom almost immediately and once she was done with it she cleaned up and let Logan lift her in his arms and carried her after her legs had given out.
She wasn't sure why but the speed at which he took her made her mind spin and her mind still filled with memories of the bodies and the blood. She wasn't still sure why the memories came to her so clear and bright but they did and she could not stop it .
Emily was laid into bed almost immediately as she lay there in bed she wondered if maybe she was imagining it, if she was imagining the distance that Logan seemed to keep between them.
Then she felt a little at ease when he kissed her
" Hey " Logan murmured, kissing her hair as he settled in the bed beside her, Emily let him hold her glad for the contact before it disappeared.
"I feel so tired, my back and stomach hurts " Emily said and he nodded
" You should be, you were badly injured" he muttered and she gulped
" And Bruce –" she asked and he nodded
" Will be buried soon" she nodded and he rose she grabbed his hand
" Stay with me " he looked to her and then away from her
" I'm busy, I have to leave " he mumbled and she froze he pulled his hand away and walked off to the door and she realized that she had not been wrong. He was drawing away from her.
" You want to see Alpha Briar" she muttered, he looked to her even while she trying to guage his reaction.
" Yes , now I must go " he mumbled and left.
She stayed in that room on her own day in and day out with no one to talk to until Aspen woke from her faint a few days later.
They shared a tearful reunion, where Emily was able to comfort Aspen whose loss of Bruce has scared her.
She may or may not have loved him romantically but she had felt something for him and now he was death.
They talked about what to do the fact that Finn was roaming the world and that wolf city was now under his hand.
Logan wanted to go back home but Emily was afraid about that she was afraid of the consequences.
But most of all she didn't understand why her relationship with Logan was going the way it was.
And it seemed Aspen knew something she didn't, her eyes shifting Everytime she asked questions.
She heard them in the corridor one evening as Aspen muttered a
" I still think Emily knows something " she muttered and Logan sighed
" And you've been there with her enough time. You know that if she knew then she would be making her displeasure very clear," he hissed and she frowned what were they hiding from her
" Well I still think she knows and even if she doesn't we still need to tell her ," she muttered and he huffed
" what does that mean" he asked and she huffed
" Emily deserves to know. You know this " Emily laughed annoyed all of a sudden that they were both lying to her. She wanted to charge in there and ask just what they were keeping from her but she was worried, for days she had ignored those warnings and their consequences all because Emily was afraid of how it would affect her relationship with him.
If she let him know now she was not sure if that would help in the long run.
Then one day she heard them again in the corridor,
" Yes Logan,she is fine, she seems not to be bothered " Aspen mumbled and he nodded
" That's very good a boy's supposed to be loud" he cried out
"I will tell her about the child one day, one day when the loss will not overwhelm" he mumbled
She stumbled into the corridor from her hiding place
" What child" she asked, Aspen's eyes widened with surprise and she looked like she'd drop right before her
" What child" she roared and Logan flinched
" Emily you have to calm down " he said and she laughed
" I am calm, I've never been calmer now tell me what the hell is your problem" she called out, turned away from him
" You lost a baby, our baby" he muttered, it wasn't just the words he said but the disinterest to them that lingered that made her bitter so she lashed out
" I lost a baby, not we. I suppose you don't consider her yours then " she muttered and he groaned
" And this is the reason I didn't want to bring it up, to save us both this emotional turmoil but yet here I am beating this subject to death with you" he huffed turning away from her.

Emily stilled and ran her hand through her hair frustrated as hell.
" Well then, I guess you don't have to at all" she muttered and stalked away .

Emily walked into the hallway closing the door behind me, she walked away tugging her jacket on, she had so many problems, all of them tumbled in her brain like some useless thing she could do nothing about
A child.
The more she thought about it the heavier her heart became.
Her legs took her back to her bedroom where she saw Aspen standing by the railing
" You really should be in bed " she muttered
Aspen turned to her and grimaced
" I'm sorry, I just wanted to make sure you were" she stumbled in her words. Emily nodded joining her by the railing, they looked into the night as she asked

" How many people died" she asked
" The records aren't specific but they seem to be over fifty men"
"I see, well trained men dead and I the novice still alive" Emily muttered and she grabbed her hand
" It's not your fault" she mumbled
" It feels like it sometimes. Logan certainly thinks otherwise" Emily replied and she sighed
" He is still mourning " Emily shrugged
" And so am I. We could have done this together. He chose to do it on his own" Emily muttered
" I can't believe that we have werewolves that joined his cause" she said after a moment of silence, trying to avoid this but unable to
" I'm going to leave," she mumbled
" And go where " Aspen asked
" Up north, u have a calling to answer" she said . Her dreams had been pushing her for days subtle reminders to remaining living, so she didn't have the time to do this inky to ask one last question

" Aspen" she called out to her mentor and best friend, who looked like she had gotten older, her skin wrinkled and large dark circles,

" Yes Em" she replied softly and looked to her
" Why did you never tell me about pregnancy" Emily asked softly, finally voicing what had been on her mind for so long to a woman who stood there frozen up.