It's my fault

"Riya's point of view,"
"Would you like to spend the night in my room?" So, before he departed, I attempted to spend as much time as I could with Harsh.
Before asking him, I was apprehensive. What if he attempts to get closer to me? But as much as I know him, he will never touch me until I permit him first.
"Are you sure?" He inquired, his gaze fixed on me.
"Yes, absolutely, but if you don't want that, it's not a problem," I added slowly. I had previously forbidden him from sleeping with me, but now I am urging him to do so. My shifting conduct must perplex him. Rachit threatened that if I didn't forbid him from sleeping with me at the moment, he would come and tell Harsh everything himself.
Is it a good idea to inform Harsh about everything before he goes? Once he goes there and falls in love with someone else, I'm worried he'll break up with me permanently if he learns about my relationship with Rachit. Oh my god, what am I going to do? I was so preoccupied with my thoughts that I didn't hear Harsh's comments, who was standing right in front of me.
"Are you even paying attention to what I'm saying?" His booming voice drew my attention. I asked him to repeat himself.
"Just to be on the safe side, what happens if I get too close while you're sleeping?" As he moved closer to me, he said.
"No... no, it can't happen. You will not do this to me, are you?" There were more questions than answers in my tone of voice.
"What do you think? If you suddenly approach me after such a long time, I'll lose control and...,"
"You can't terrify me like that." I interrupted him in the middle of his sentence.
"I'm not trying to scare you, but I'm telling you the truth. You know how desperate I must be for you because you've been sleeping separately from me for the past three months."
What has happened to Harsh today, O God? He'd never spoken to me in such a way before. I believe I made a mistake by inviting him to sleep with me.
"Harsh, I think we should both sleep on our own." I replied while closing the door to my room.
"Wait a minute, Riya, what happened to you suddenly? I'm also planning on sleeping with you." While attempting to open the door with his hand, he said.
"No, not at all. When you're in such a desperate situation, how can I let you sleep with me? That'd be like purposefully approaching the lion's den, wouldn't it?"
"That suggests you no longer have faith in me. Or you're worried that if you see me in front of you, you won't be able to control yourself."
How can he say such things to me when I have no such feelings for him? Why would I think this way about Harsh while Rachit goes to such lengths to satisfy my physical desires?
"Let me be clear: I'm not thinking of anything like this, and I have full control over myself."
"When I'm around Rachit, I lose my control, but it doesn't imply that I'm desperate." Harsh couldn't hear me say the last word since I whispered.
"So, if that's the case, why aren't you allowing me to sleep with you?" He inquired, his brows furrowed.
"Oh, if you think this way about me, you need to change your mind. I invited you to sleep in my bed with me." I released my grip on the bedroom door and allowed him to enter.
But what if he forced me?
On one side of the bed, I was lying. Such a large space separated Harsh and me on the bed that two people could sleep comfortably. My sole concern was that if he covered the gap between us, what pretext will I use to separate myself from him? What have I done by becoming emotional?
A few minutes before turning out the lights, I made a quick check to see if Rachit had left me a message by picking up the phone at the foot of the bed. I was disappointed to find out that he had not tried to contact me. How can someone change so quickly? Since returning from Shimla, this is the first time he hasn't messaged me before going to bed.
You do not know why he has changed so drastically. Or maybe you just want to ignore it on purpose. But why? I don't understand how he can spend time with Shilpi while ignoring me. I was debating with myself. Because of that, you ignored Harsh.
You know about this wick, don't you? You'll reap what you sow.
"Riya, may I ask you a question?" Harsh inquired, deep in thought.
"Sure, why not?" I responded by turning to face him.
"Are you unhappy with me?" Like an arrow, his question struck my heart.
"Why are you asking such a question today?" I had no answer to his question; if he hadn't told me about his departure, I would have probably said "yes." However, after hearing the news of his departure, I would have understood that I had no answer to his question. I'm finding it tough to live without him.
"Is there anything in our relationship that makes you unhappy? If such is the case, I will try to improve myself." The feeling I had from listening to him was like being abandoned in the middle of a sea of guilt.
"No, there isn't such a thing." The flaw lies in me, not you, which is why I forgot about you and was drawn to Rachit. Right now, I'm going to tell him everything. I made my decision and sat down on the bed.
"Harsh, I understand that my recent changes in conduct have upset you, but I assure you that my intentions were not to purposefully hurt you." I'm ashamed of how Harsh was handled in recent days. I said, wiping my tear-streaked cheek.
"Riya Why are you sobbing, Relax? I was only asking. You have been upset for the past few days because of office work. I am not enraged by you in the least." He said as he hugged me.
Oh no Harsh, you can't do this. I worked so hard to get the strength to tell you everything, and now you're silencing me before even hearing the rest of my story.
"What would you do if I had feelings for someone else?" I had asked him this question before during my trip to Shimla, and I'm asking it again today. He had stated that this would never happen. But this time, I'm hoping he'll cross-examine me.
"Even if I'm in your life and you're attracted to someone else, it's not your fault; it's mine." I pulled my face away from his chest after listening to him and asked, "What are you saying?"
"There is no doubt about that. Surely, there must be some flaw in me that causes you to think about someone else."
"Flaws? What about you? Is that there, too? No, you're joking, right?" When I saw his serious expression, the words I was about to say became lodged in my throat.
"No, I'm not joking; do you think I'm in a joking mood right now?" In a serious tone, he asked. I'd never seen him look so solemn before.
"Riya, you have three months to clear up your confusion. You sit back and ponder my weaknesses, telling me what I need to change about myself." With his chilly voice and stern looks, he spoke with authority.
Many questions arose in my head after listening to him, but I lacked the guts to ask him anything. And I figured I'd ask him anything once his look returned to normal, but he got up and went to his room, leaving me alone in the room. That loud thud when he closed the door told me he wasn't just stating it this time but was going to act on it.