Bonus Chapter 12

My eyes flicker over his handsome face, but he doesn’t see me at all. 
I realize whatever he is witnessing behind those unseeing eyes certainly isn’t me. 
I try to remove his hands, but I struggle beneath him. Cedar is too strong. He is a fucking Alpha. I feel my chest tighten as my airway becomes more and more restrained.
Naked, I kick out, trying to wake him up, but his huge frame is too overpowering. “Cedar-Cedar! Please!”
He is all tensed muscle and predatory intent like the day he killed Jordan. His unblinking meadow green eyes stare into my eyes with a fierce snarl etched onto his features as he squeezes and squeezes my neck. Totally different from that confident glint I’m starting to get used to and have come to love it. 
Oh, Goddess! I’m going to pass out! Blackened dots creep in around the edges of my vision, and my mouth hangs open as I try to call his name, but no sound passes my lips, no matter how hard I fucking try. 
It’s risky, but I try anyway—I shift just my claws and dig them deep with all my might into his unrelenting wrists.
A final attempt to draw him out of whatever nightmare he’s become trapped within before I mindlink Ian. 
Blood wells and runs down his arm, dripping all over my breasts in hot rivulets.
Cedar raises his face, blinking as he stares down at me; a small tremor still shakes his strong body. 
I know the moment Cedar actually *sees* me. 
His meadow green eyes widen, and his hold on my neck loosens until he takes his hands off me slowly. “Violet?” he says softly, blinking a couple of times on the scene before him. “Vivi?”
“Yes, baby. It’s me.” 
He jerks backward with a pained noise. The holes from my claws in his wrists have healed quickly.
I choke down a lungful of air. My hand clutches and rubs my neck as I double over onto my side. “It’s me.”  
“Fuck.” Cedar shoves both hands in his hair. He doesn’t reach out to touch me, and I start to get scared that he may never do it again by the panic in his eyes as he tries to put distance between the two of us.
I don’t hesitate to resolve it immediately. There is no way I’d allow this male to paint himself as a monster. “Don’t you dare.” I wince as my voice comes out scratchy and hoarse when I say ‘don’t’ but then my voice gets back to normal. 
I crawl to him, diminishing the space between us and burying my face in his chest. I wrap my arms tight around his torso and sit on his lap. Then I kiss the scar that runs along his collarbone. Every muscle in his body is taut and primed as if for battle. Beneath my ear, his heart thunders wildly. I ignore every growling protest coming from him to let him go. I latch on tight, drawing him to me and holding steady. 
Cedar’s big palms press against my shoulders, trying to shove me away from him but, at the same time, unable to bring himself to be forceful with me. Goddess, this male...
“I can’t—” Mumbled words barely make it past his lips. 
I don’t need to hear him say anything. When he came to and saw what he was doing, the look on his face has been one of sheer horror. Stricken and mouth gaping open as though he couldn’t suck air into his lungs either. 
“No, baby.” I catch myself calling him that again. “You would never hurt me.” I keep my head firmly pressed against the spot where his heart hammered in panic. “You didn’t hurt me. I told you, I’m not delicate.” I rub my face against his skin. My fingers dig into the muscled contours along his spine. I don’t do this on purpose, but somehow, it seems to be exactly what he needs to take a deep breath. My poor Cedar. 
“I’m sorry, Vivi.” 
“You didn’t know it was me.” Keeping my voice soft, I gently tug him as I move backward. I guide him over to where we were sleeping, and then I pull him to me. 
Cedar’s broad chest heaves as he watches me with wide, searching eyes. His gaze locked tight on the spot around my neck where there would no doubt be bruises if I wasn’t a she-wolf. 
I take one of his big paws on my own and bring it up towards my throat. With a violent hiss, he tries to jerk his hand away. But I grip hold of him tightly. Placing a kiss on his knuckles and then bringing his fingers up to brush over the skin, I try to remind him I’m still here. “Feel that,” I murmur softly. “That is still beating. I’m not harmed, Cedar. You didn’t mean to touch me that way.” 
His meadow green eyes flicker away. Something dark descends over his features and his jaw pulses. “I would have fucking killed you, Violet.” Gravel and remorse sit heavily in his tone. 
“No. You wouldn’t have.” I slowly unfold his fingers one by one and rest his big palm over the curve of my throat. I stroke across the back of his hand before I nuzzle into his touch.
“But I could... I did things, so many things I’m not proud of, Violet. I didn’t really want to do any of them, but I still did them. Because if I didn’t, I knew Razor would hurt my baby sister,” Cedar confesses. 
I can scarcely believe he’s telling me any of this. “You didn’t tell Allie everything...” I say softly. 
“I didn’t want her pulled down into the dark with me. She doesn’t need to know. Allie has suffered enough... I did what Razor wanted. And he still nearly took her from me anyway.”
My heart beats fast.
“Razor ran the crime, not just in Summerville. When I first told him no, I thought he might threaten me, have me beaten. Instead, he dragged Oliver nearly alive from another room and killed him. I didn’t even know he was alive until that. And just like that, he beheaded my big brother right in front of me. Told me Allie was next unless I agreed with him. That she had plenty of holes for him and his man to fuck before he could kill her, too.”
I place my hand over my mouth. I can’t even imagine his pain. “Oh, Cedar.” It’s so horrific. It’s so much worse than I thought it would. I run my hand over his chest, trying to comfort him.
I’ve thought I’d known evil, but this... it makes me feel sick.
“I told him I’d do it,” Cedar says grimly. “I worked my way up the food chain. I knew if I wanted to keep my sister safe, I had to become indispensable to Razor.” 
“Goddess... how did you survive?” 
“Allie. Just because of her...” He lets out a shuddering sigh. “But I had help. I had Peter. He was in that hellhole because of his mother. I still can’t believe it was the same bitch who tried to curse you when you were just a child, Violet.” Cedar cups my face. “Peter tried to kill me the first day, but we soon became friends. He wanted to escape so he could run away with his little sister, Poppy. When we killed everyone, and he found out his mother and sister were dead... Peter freaked out. I wish I could have helped him more. But his mind was already gone. That place changes you. It scars you... Shit. Can’t believe I’m telling you this.”
“You don’t have to,” I whisper, even though I’m dying to know more about him.
“These fucking nightmares...” He shakes his head. “When I lived in Razor’s pack, some nights I would wake up, and my room would be trashed. I hadn’t any memory of having done it. Or I’d wake up with Peter pinning me down, yelling at me to the fuck wake up. That we would leave there one day...” He rubs his chest. “Afterwards, Peter would always joke that I was actually trying to choke him for something he did the day before.” A ghost of a tiny smile plays on his lips. 
Maybe I can find a way to help ease some of his burden in the future. “He seemed like a good male.”
“In a certain way, he was.” He takes a deep breath. “That’s why I didn’t sleep with you yesterday after you woke up from a nightmare. I’m not used to sleeping for many hours, and I knew you might need me, so I stayed close to your bedroom in case you have another nightmare like you did in New York.”
“That’s why you...” It’s now or never. I do need to ask him. “That’s why you didn’t mark me earlier?”