Chapter 80

“Emma!” Arthur’s scolding directed at his wife is delivered politely and serenely. Then he clears his throat. “You don’t—”
“What do you mean?” I cut him off. “What do you mean by that?” I ask her.
“It’s not polite to interrupt people while they’re talking, girl,” Ethan’s dad tells me, and I feel my face flush with his scolding tone. “What Emma means is that the sooner you understand that this relationship you’ve been nurturing with Ethan is doomed to fail, the better it will be. For both of you.” Suddenly, my phone, which is on the countertop, starts ringing and vibrating. “We’re saying this not only for Ethan’s sake but out of concern for you as well,” he goes on. Uh-huh, *concern for me, my ass*. “Have you ever wondered why Ethan didn’t commit to you?” 
Because I’m his second choice. 
Because he *has* someone else.
Oh, God. 
So Ethan has someone he... loves? And he never told me? My chest hurts, feeling like I’ve been stabbed right in the heart.
“No, you’re wrong, Ethan lov—” I blink several times. No, *he doesn’t love me*. “—I mean, Ethan wants me to stay here. He said he’d protect me, and I trust him. Ethan is a good man,” I nod, confirming to myself what I’d just said. The phone’s ringing doesn’t stop, the furious vibration making the phone practically dance on the countertop.
They send me a pity look so damn sad that someone can mistake me for an injured dog. My chest hurts even more to the point where I can’t breathe.
“Breathe, Alicent, you’re going to make yourself sick at this rate. And for Goddess’ sake, answer the phone, my ears are sensitive!” Emma complains, lifting her hand with a dramatic flair, the oversized red stone on her ring catching my attention as she points her manicured finger at my phone.
I grab my phone and leave the kitchen. Right now, I want any reason not to be around Ethan’s parents.
I answer it as I walk to my bedroom. “What do you want, Logan?” I say. 
“Hello, lovely Allie. How are you?” Logan’s attempt to sound friendly makes anger surge in me.
“Why are you calling me Logan? What do you want?” 
“Why, I don’t want anything but to listen to your sweet voice. How have you been?” 
“What do you want, Logan?” I ask again impatiently.
But my ex-husband doesn’t drop his fake charm. “I want you back, Allie. I was wrong to let you go. You’re everything for me.” 
“Let me go?” I yell-whisper so no one can hear me. “You cheated on me with my best friend. I caught you in the act, Logan. Then Chelsea lied to her father to make it look like I was bullying her. Not only did I get fired, but she made it so no one else would hire me.” I storm up the stairs as I speak. Logan doesn’t deserve to hear all of this again, but I’m already too upset to stay quiet right now. “You lied, cheated on me, and now you have the gall to tell me that you made a mistake! You let me go!” I scoff.
“I don’t know what the hell I had ever seen in Chelsea! I was led astray, Allie,” he whines. “I made a mistake. Can’t you forgive and forget? I promise to treat you like the woman you are. A perfect mother. Don’t tell me you don’t miss our family together. I even promise you a bigger and safer house this time. And more money.”
“What?” I ask, confused.
“Allie, Az told me you’re not getting married anymore.”
Damn it, Az! But I should have known. Logan’s been calling me all day. It is usually the other way around.
“Let me get this straight.” I take a deep breath, opening my bedroom door. “You have finally realized that Chelsea doesn’t care about you, is that right?” 
“That’s not true. I realized this the first week after you abandoned me.” His voice sounds imploringly. “I miss you. I miss my wife.”
“Well, I don’t miss you, and I am not your anything. I’m much happier here where I am. Now do the right thing and leave me alone.” 
“Don’t say you’re still holding a grudge.” 
“Holding a grudge? HOLDING A GRUDGE!” Now I yell. 
“Allie, Chelsea meant nothing. It was a mistake. You mean everything to me! And there is no way you can be happy without our family together. Come on, Allie, I know you feel the need to punish me, but there is no need to punish yourself by rejecting me. Let’s be a family again.” 
“We are over, Logan. Leave me alone.” 
I end the call, shaking with anger. How dare he want to have a family with me again. 
I drop my arm, breathing heavily. 
Everything Ethan’s parents just told me weighs on my shoulders again. Ethan. I need him. I need to be close to him. To his skin. I leave my bedroom and go straight to his. Without knocking on the door, I open it and immediately I hear the sound of the shower running in the bathroom.
I sit on the bed and wait for him to get out of the shower because I need time to gather my thoughts first. Minutes later, Ethan says, without even seeing me yet, “What are you doing here?” 
How did he know I was here?
I swallow the lump in my throat and don’t answer him. He comes out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist. His defined abs are all exposed to me. I almost forget why I came here. Was it important? I don’t know. I don’t even remember anymore.
When my eyes meet his, he’s smiling. “What’s wrong, Little Dove?” he asks in a less harsh tone, walking towards me. When he gets closer, he holds my chin with his warm hand and forces me to look him in the eyes. I guess he realized that he is way too distracting all naked like that.
I jump into his arms and hug him, not caring that he’s still a little wet. As always, he effortlessly lifts me up without any sweat, and then he sits on the bed with me on his lap, still hugging him tightly.
“Hey, you’re shaking. What’s wrong?” he asks again, concerned.
“My day has been a little stressful.” To say the least.
I can tell something’s bothering him; he’s been irritated since this morning. As I feel his strong arms holding me against his body, I realize that this is just what I need. God, I just want to stay here like this with him forever.
“But I’m feeling better now,” I say, snuggling into his chest. “Thanks for your warmth.” *Honey*. Christ, that was close. I bite my lip. I really have to watch myself. I don’t want to fight with him anymore for such a small thing.
Ethan takes a deep breath and from the looks of it, unlike me, he still seems to be tense. He sets me down on the floor and walks towards his walk in closet.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, sitting on his bed.
I hear his grunt. “Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me, Ethan,” I say almost in a whisper, then I walk to his closet and stand in the doorway. He has his back to me, already wearing underwear. “You can tell me anything.” 
“I don’t want to,” Ethan barks, facing me as he picks up a black shirt on a hanger. Then he takes a deep breath, lowering his head. “I don’t want to hurt you, Little Dove,” he says as if it is a confession.
“Why would you hurt me, Ethan?” I ask him, but I know what he’s trying to say, and I won’t let him ruin this. “If you don’t want to, don’t do it.” 
“It’s not that simple, Alicent,” Ethan snarls, putting on his shirt while he walks to get a pair of jeans from a drawer on the other side. 
*Alicent*?
Something has changed. I stand frozen as he puts on his pants, and as soon as he does, I run over to him and hug him tightly again, feeling my tears at bay.
While he hasn’t said it yet, I know it’s coming. His parents were right. 
I bury my face in his chest once more. His entire body tenses, seeming to be poised for a fight. Oh, God! I hold my breath. My head starts to spin, and every deep breath he takes without hugging me back breaks my heart a little more, knowing he’s battling with himself about us. Just say it already, Ethan.
“Little Dove—” 
“No.” 
Don’t say it. I changed my mind. I don’t want to hear it. I shake my head, but Ethan pushes me away so he can look at my face. 
“Don’t do this to us.” 
He sighs.
“What’s going on with you? It seems like you’re pushing me away on purpose.” Hot tears of frustration and fear finally leak from my eyes. 
Ethan grabs my hand and holds it tighter than usual. Like he’s afraid to let me go. His dark vortex eyes are so empty right now that I fear I’d fall into their pits. Everything inside of me wants to reject the notion that he’d leave me, but something tells me he’s about to hurt me in a way that I’ll never recover. 
I don’t understand what I did wrong. 
I’ve given him everything. All of me. Every single part I have to offer, and it’s still apparently not good enough.
“I love you!” I mumble. He stares down at me. It hurts how unfazed he looks to hear about my feelings for him. “I love you with everything I am. I love the way you laugh and smile and treat my son. We can be happy together, Ethan. Please. Don’t push me away before I even have the chance to get close to you.” My chest twists. “I love you.”
“But I don’t love you!” He yells, letting go of my hand. His face suddenly changes from frustrated to completely angry. “I *can’t* love you!” 
I bite my bottom lip into my mouth as it trembles. Then I wipe away my tears. 
Despite my blurring vision, I notice that Ethan’s face has gone very, very stern. Utterly unreadable, like a wall of steel.
“Fuck! I told you I would protect you, didn’t I?” he says coldly. “But I cannot love you, Alicent. I could *never* love you.”
“Ethan, please—” 
“I just... I need a bit of time for myself. To think.” He turns and walks out, leaving me completely alone.
I sob harder. I came here soughting solace in his arms, only to leave with a heart heavier than when I arrived.
“Ethan...”