Chapter 77

***Alicent*** 

“This one is much better and safer. Your old car was a rust bucket piece of shit.” 
I bite my lip to try to get the smile off my face. I don’t want Ethan to think that I agree with him. “Don’t hold back, please. Speak your mind.” 
However, I can’t hold it back for long. My smile widens even more. In front of me is the car that Ethan ordered, which arrived today. After a lot of fighting, he agreed to get me a car with the money that Shawn got from my old car. This new baby is not something fancy by any means, but I’m happy to know that I was the one who paid for it. However, he asked if he could add-on something with his own money and I said yes. I should have considered it more because, knowing Ethan, I’m sure he must have put a lot of add-ons on it that are probably worth more than the value of the car itself.
“It’s so nice!” I open the driver’s door and sniff the inside of the car. “And it smells new. I’ve never had a car that smells like new.”
Ethan opens and closes the passenger door as if testing it for cracks. “It looks stable and secure. Not that you’ll get much use out of it since you can’t leave Blackmoon.” 
He sits in the passenger seat and drags me onto his lap. The car feels so much smaller with him in it. The squeak I let out in the process turns into a giggle when I finally set down. 
“I really like the car,” I say, wrapping my arms around his neck. 
Glancing to the side, I notice his parents are at one of the living room windows, talking. They can easily see us, but they’re too far away to hear us. 
“I’m still going to keep driving you to work, though,” Ethan says, too close to my neck. I shiver and tilt my head slightly to the side, making room for him, almost shouting to him, *there, bite there*! 
“I missed you so much yesterday,” I confess, my voice dripping with need. When he doesn’t kiss my neck, I tilt my head up, searching his face. “I don’t think I can sleep without you anymore,” I add with a playful pout. But as I tighten my arms around him, my smile falters. I steal a quick glance through the car window, catching sight of his parents. They’re staring at me as though they heard me. Their expressions make me feel like I’ve just announced plans to gnaw off my own arm on live television. 

🐺 🐺 🐺

Ethan helps me back onto his lap as soon as I approach him. The sunlight of the setting sun through the office open windows cast elongated shadows across the walls. As I kiss him, I reach my hands up to his broad shoulders and massage the area. I’ve felt him stiffen every time his parents are around and his mother had just left his office right before I walked in. It’s only been two days since they arrived for Lily’s party, and it seems like everything has gotten worse between us. Ethan and I used to be so close to each other, so intimate, but since they arrived, we couldn’t be further apart.
He’s been closed down on me since his parents got here. And I hate it. I wish he could pick me up and carry me away like he’d been doing before. I regretted so much not having sex with him when I spent that whole night in his bedroom because that night was the last time we were truly together.
“You’re tense,” I say, using my thumbs to massage his stiff shoulders. “Want me to give you a back massage, *baby*?” Suddenly, Ethan’s shoulders stiffen even more. “What happened? I squeezed something that—”
“Don’t call me that,” he says in a cold voice.
“What?” I ask, confused. “Baby?” I realize that this is the first time I’ve called him a term of endearment.
“Yes.”
“Why can’t I call you baby? You call me Little Dove all the time.”
“But I don’t like it. It’s too intimate. Don’t call me that.”
I gap at him. “Why not? I love you,” I blurt out.
He’s silent, staring straight ahead over my head with his jaw set.
*He knows*. He knows how I feel.
My tummy bubbles with leftover fear and a good dose of nerves.
“You knew I couldn’t return your feelings,” he says darkly.
But I want him to. I want his love. I want it all. I want to live here in this mansion, with him, forever. I want to sleep in his bed each night, to have him fuck and cherish me. 
But I’d never have it. I have no right to want more. To get angry at him because he can’t give that to me. We have a deal. It is what it is. This isn’t a happy ever after situation. I’m his second choice. I might be a bit pissed that he wants me to confess every single thought in my head while he gives me so little back, but what Ethan is doing is just to help me. And that is all it is. He doesn’t sleep with me because we don’t really have a relationship—we have just an arrangement. 
Wake up, Allie.
“I’m sorry, Ethan. I have no right to say that to you. I know you’re just trying to help me. You’re under no obligation to tell me anything in return. I’m so sorry.” I feel close to tears. There is a huge knot in my stomach that burns. 
This isn’t me. I hate confrontation. I should be grateful to him. He’s just trying to help me. It isn’t his fault he doesn’t care about me as much as I care about him. 
It isn’t Ethan’s fault he doesn’t love me. And, God, I love him. 
At least we’re getting married.
“I shouldn’t have said that. We’re already getting married and—”
“No, we’re not.”
My breath catches. “What?” I ask, my heart breaking into pieces. “But-But the wedding was in just a few days.”
“You calling me that just made me realize even more that we shouldn’t get married. My parents had suggested it, and now I see that they’re right. I’m too involved in *this*.”
In *this*?
“Ethan... Are you calling everything off? D-Do you want me to leave?”
“No, that’s not it. Goddess, no! You can stay. Everything will stay the same. Nothing will change between us except for the wedding.”
“I overstepped. Oh, God! I’m sorry. So sorry. So sorry.” I keep my gaze lowered. 
It isn’t fair for me even to complain about his decision. He is still giving me exactly what he’s promised. Protection. I should be thanking him, not trying to force him to love me back. 
Stupid. I’m stupid.
I try to get out of his lap, but his firm hands on my waist stop me. “Sh, easy, Little Dove. Hey, it’s okay.” 
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that or called you baby. I’m—” 
“Enough,” Ethan growls. “No more apologies, understand? There are just things I can’t tell you... Things you can’t know.” 
His dark gaze almost glazes for a moment. He is angry, but I’m not exactly sure why. Doubts bubbles inside me.
“It’s okay, Ethan. You don’t need to explain.” I sniff. “I understand.” 
I need to get out of here. I have to leave before I lose it. 
“I meant, Little Dove. I’ll protect you. No one will ever hurt you. I’ll see to that,” Ethan promises. 
I figure it out now. I’m not enough for him, and that is why he doesn’t want to sleep with me. That’s why I can’t take more from him. I’m not enough.
“Okay,” I tell him, forcing a small smile for his benefit. His gaze narrows. Obviously, I’m not doing a very good job of pretending to be okay. 
I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. “I have to take this,” I say after taking the phone out of my pocket. I clutch it as if my life depended on this excuse to get away from him.
“No, we can’t—” Someone knocks on his office door. Ethan let out a string of curses.
I get off his lap, but he kisses my forehead first. I quickly run away from him so he doesn’t pull me back and cups my face between his hands like he always does. I don’t trust my own body to not melt close to him.
As soon as I open the door, his father walks into the office.
“Are you okay, Alicent?” he asks with a frown, looking worried for a moment.
When I don’t answer right away, he looks over my head at Ethan behind me.
“Yeah.” I clear my throat, then I lift up the phone in my hand and shake it with a fake smile on my lips that he doesn’t seem to believe. “I have to take this if you’ll excuse me.”
“Sure,” he says before walking into Ethan’s office and closing the door behind him.
I knew the marriage wasn’t something permanent, I remind myself. We’re still together. It is just a bit of fun. I need to get a grip.
Absentmindedly, I answer the call without even checking who it is as I head to my bedroom. To put together the pieces of my heart there.
“Allie, I can’t believe this.” I hear a breaking noise like something is being thrown at the wall and shattering like glass.
Frowning, I take the phone away from my ear and see who is on the other end. “Logan? Are you okay?”
His voice is a little funny when he answers like he’s been drinking. “No, Allie. Logan’s not okay!” He refers to himself in the third person.
“What’s wrong?” I ask immediately. “Are you hurt? Where are you?”
“Yeah, I’m hurt.” I hear gulping noises like he’s drinking something. “But not in the way you think,” he says after burping.
Ew. “Logan, do you need help?”
“Can you believe that? Can you believe it?” His voice is whiny before he takes another big gulp.
“Logan, you’re not making sense. Are you drunk?”
“Why me?”
Confused, I close the bedroom door behind me. “What are you talking about?”
“It’s Chelsea, Allie,” Logan answers angrily through clenched teeth. “That bitch cheated on me with my boss!”