67 - PAIN

Everyone stared in on us as Shawn and I stood in a staring match and not taking our eyes off each other, his look more pained and mine more anxious. I wanted to be out of here, away from this party and away from Shawn.

“You were cheating before Kyle even came into the picture, so maybe the problem isn’t me”

“That didn’t mean anything – it was harmless flirting Aria” he tried to defend but his defense was weak at best.
I shrugged, I was exhausted, truly I was and my shoulders sagged as a result, a dull ache was begginning to develop at one side of my head “That’s fine but it doesn’t change anything Shawn – I can’t do this and that's it”

I saw the slow panic rise on his face at the seriousness of my tone “Why now, out of all the times, why did you choose now to embarrass me. Why did you let it get to this stage”

“I’m not trying to embarrass you, I just want what’s best for me – for us”

Shawn gave a dry laugh, and running his hands through his hair in a frustrated manner “Just what’s best for you Aria and you don’t know anything, there’s so much that you don’t know about Kyle - so much”

Truthfully, I didn’t want to hear it especially not from Shawn.

“I’m sorry – we’re done” I said somberly, a lone tear slipping from my eyes and I turned away from him, under the watchful eyes of the party guest and made my way through the door when suddenly Sam caught up with me.

“What the hell are you doing?” she grabbed me by my arm, and by this time I had the tears falling uncontrollably from my eyes.

“I can’t do this anymore Sam, I’m calling it off okay – I’m done, I'm so done ok, I'm so tired of pretending to be in love with him when my heart truly belongs to another. I can't sleep, I can't think and I can't bloody function right now. Everything is a mess and everything is falling apart”

Her look was judgemental and it infuriated me to no ends, I needed my best friend, I needed her to tell me to follow my heart and not throw me a disgusted look

“I don’t fucking need this right now Sam, I don’t need you judging me. I don’t feel that way for Shawn not the way I do for Kyle and I would never be happy with Shawn”

“After everything he did to you, you still want to go back to him?” she let out an exasperated sigh “Aria he hurt you, he hurt you so deep. He abandoned you after you lost his baby – ”

“Stop – ”

“Maybe I need to remind you in case you have forgotten”

“I don’t need you judging me right now Sam” I yelled at her “Stop being a fucking hypocrite, you knew all the things he did to me yet you still slept with him” the silnece that followed was golden.

“That’s not – ”

I raised my hand shutting her up instantly

“You slept with him knowing fully well everything that happened between us and you want to lecture me about my choices? About my own pursuit for happiness?”

“It’s not like that” she tried to say but I moved towards her in a threatening manner and feeling the anger totally consume me.

“Then it’s like how? Explain it to me so that I can bloody understand what your thought process is. I mean you're the therpist so how do you explain that kind of behaviour, sleeping with your friend's ex. You know very well how much I feel about Kyle, you’re the only person that knew that and I thought you’ll understand, but you slept with him because Sam you just – you just love having what’s not yours. It’s like a fucking drug for you. So next time you want to school about my choices, reflect on yours first” I threw her a dirty look and then turning around to leave when I stopped instantly and turned back to her.

“I know you told Shawn that I met Kyle the night I told you cover for me”

Her face fell but I struggled to figure out if it was from guilt or the shock of being accused wrongly “I didn’t –” she tried to say but I had whipped around already and making my way out of the building.
I stood across street with my heart beating and the one thing I was grateful for was that I wasn’t in a white dress. I thought of Kyle – I knew that he was at the Banquet dinner waiting for me. I tried to imagine the disappointment on his face when he realizes that I wasn’t going to show up. He had no idea about the engagement party and I didn’t want to tell him, maybe Janine will but I didn’t care too much for that.
I had seen him the day before with promises of attending the banquet dinner to show off the beautiful event I had put together, but I couldn’t go through with it. The pain of the old memories were resurfacing and at that conflicting moment when I bade him goodbye, I didn’t want to see it through. Sam was right, he had indeed abandoned me when I lost his baby, drowning me through an immense pain I couldn’t even begin to fathom.

I was angry at him, angry that he could so casually bring it up because it was easy for him to reminisce when I was the one who went through the actual pain. I was pissed, angry, annoyed and every word in the book that could describe the innate urge to haul so many heavy objects at him. So, in that moment while I watched him drive off, I took out my phone and sent Janine a text.

*“The banquet dinner, it’s yours to take over”