90 - BACKSTORY

SOME DRUNKEN YEARS AGO

KYLE’S POV

I remember how it felt – the days leading from Aria father’s death. I had been so ridden with guilt that I could barely look her in the eye.

*“Nothing good is going to come out from you still seeing her – end it now”* my father had said to me but it was easier for him to say when he didn’t understand the circumstances surrounding it. She was carrying my child – a fact that I never told my father. How could I just leave her?

I knew I was pulling away when she needed me to from but subconsciously and consciously too, but in a fucked up way I wanted her to hate me and break up with me. But everything started falling apart when she woke up in the middle of night with blood pooling between her legs. I had jumped up in a fright, silently praying that it wasn’t more serious. But when the doctor had spewed the words ‘miscarriage’ – I felt liberated.

It felt like there was nothing else tying me to her and it’ll be easier to let go but still – I couldn’t. I came home everyday and watched her become a shadow of herself, I wanted to reach out to her – to hold her and tell her that I loved her but the guilt anchored on my chest.

*You killed her father

*The nasty voice kept ringing at the back of my head weighing me down and eating at my chest like a bad disease.

*How do you think she’ll feel when she finds out, do you think she’ll look at you the same

*Bloody murderer

“You’re pushing me away” I heard her voice suddenly, pulling me out of my toxic train of thoughts and I turned to look at her as she stood by the sink and I lazily on the sofa.

“What?”

“You’re pushing me away” she repeated, meeting her gaze but tearing my eyes away immediately because I couldn’t bear it

“I’m not – ”

“You haven’t said a single word to me since – ” my brain automatically blocks out the rest and all I could hear was a loud zing in my ears that clouded my brain until I stood immediately and grabbed my car keys.

“Where are you going?” her face fell because I was abandoning her again

“I need some air” I said and brushed past her and out of the house. I sat in my car contemplating for a few minutes what to do. I had no idea – all my head was filled with was guilt and regret. Maybe if I had never met her my father wouldn’t need a reason to want to kill her father, maybe if I had stood up to my father everything would be fine but no it wasn’t – nothing was fine and everything was fucked.

I knew I needed to talk someone, someone who kind of understood the situation but at the same time didn’t – like a familiar stranger and the only person that came to mind was Sam – Aria’s best friend.
I started up the ignition and drove to the dorm she shared with Aria before Aria moved up to mine. I knocked once on her door and she opened the door almost immediately like she was expecting me and her eyes widened in surprise.

“Kyle?” she looked at me “You look a – come in” she gestured me inside and she didn’t have to say it, I knew I looked a mess. I hadn’t slept properly in days, I was getting drunk almost every night so yes I knew my eyes were sunken and hollow, my lips were chapped and I wasn’t sure if I had showered properly that day.

“What’s going on – how’s Aria?”

The moment she mentioned Aria’s name, I broke down immediately “I’m so confused”

“Confused about what?”

“Everything – Aria – the relationship – losing the baby – I – I don’t want to keep hurting her. That’s all I ever do – hurt her and it’s making me sick” I broke down further, the tears spilling uncontrollably out of my eyes and Sam pulled me into her arms instantly

“Hey – shh – it’s okay” she rubbed circles round my back in a bid to try and soothe me but it did little to nothing to help.

“It’s okay, everything is going to be fine – you just have to talk to her”

“I cant – I’ve tried – I just – I just can’t” I sobbed picking my head up from her shoulders to look into her face. We held each other stare for a few seconds before she pulled her eyes away

“Let me get you a drink”

“Something strong” I added and she nodded, walking away to get the drink and soon enough she returned with a bottle of liquor and some glasses. I took a shot and maybe five to eight more shots to get the buzz going and it hit almost instantly, blurring my vision and enhancing my senses.

“What were you saying about not being able to talk to Aria” Sam said and her face danced hazily in my vision.

“I don’t want to talk about Aria right now”

She paused for a second, taking her glass to her lips and looking at me through the hood of her eyes “What do you want to do?”

That was a weird moment because that question changed everything, it changed the dynamic of how I saw her. She was no longer Aria’s best friend in my eyes, she was just a girl I needed to use to intensify my guilt.
So I didn’t say anything to her question and I kissed her instead hoping that she’d push me away, push me out of this terrible decision that I was about to take – she didn’t. Instead, she only paused for a second to look at me before crashing her lips back into mine and everything changed.

I had sex with her that night – terribly amazing sex that only riddled me with more guilt. The moment I walked back to my car and kicked on the ignition, I was only thinking one thing

*I had done it, I had finally fucked it all up


I wanted to tell Aria so that she could hate me and let me go but Sam had begged me not to say anything so I figured I shouldn’t – I didn’t want to ruin her friendship with Sam.

I walked back into the house and the first thing I said to her was

*“You need to leave”