Not Okay

Becky's P.O.V



“Becky I think you're making a mistake in what you believe.” he said taking a step closer to me so that our faces were only a few inches apart. “You might tell yourself that you’ve moved on from him but deep down I can tell that you still care about him. It’s really obvious just by looking at your face. I can see those feelings clearly!”


“Care? What on earth are you talking about?” I shook my head in confusion feeling a wave of disbelief wash over me.


“Do you really think that I care about him? You must be losing your mind Jake. What I am truly concerned about are the consequences of this situation. Poisoning someone is an act of betrayal it's a cowardly thing to do!”


Jake laughed dismissively and crossed his arms tightly once more. “Do you really think that’s cowardly?” he said shaking his head. “I believe it takes a special kind of bravery to step up and do something daring and bold Becky. Instead of calling it cowardice perhaps we should consider that it could actually be a type of justice.”


“Justice?” I repeated letting the word linger on my tongue and it felt bitter like something unpleasant. “You really sound just like a villain from one of those stories we read. How can you even believe that way?”


“Perhaps it's because I truly care about you.” he said revealing a side of himself that I didn't expect to see. “I really do care about you Becky. When I see you being hurt by that man it really affects me in a deep way. I wanted him to confront the problems in his life and honestly I'm feeling a bit relieved and happy that he is finally experiencing some of the pain that he has caused you.”


All of a sudden the fact that he had just admitted something important felt like a huge burden hanging heavily in the air between us. I took a deep breath and said “Jake....” my heart racing with emotion. “You really cannot honestly think that this is acceptable or okay just because you are feeling upset can you?”


“I'm not just feeling upset!” he replied sharply his voice going up louder and then getting quieter again. “What I really feel is protective. You and I come from different backgrounds and I’ve watched you go through a lot of pain because of him. Whenever I see you even at this moment when you’re worried about him it really bothers me inside. And the reason it eats at me so much is… because I love you!”


***


Jake's P.O.V


***


My heart was beating very fast in my chest almost like it was trying to escape. I noticed that Becky’s eyes got very big with surprise and her reaction felt so intense that it hit me hard almost like a physical punch. Then she took a step back as if I had actually pushed her away with the words I had just said to her.


As the initial shock started to fade away it transformed into something else that hurt me even more deeply – it was pity. This feeling was quick and fleeting like a flash of lightning lighting up a dark sky for a brief moment but I could see it very clearly as if it were in bright daylight.


“Jake…” she began speaking so softly that I could hardly hear her. When she said my name it sent a knot of anxiety twisting in my stomach. It felt like there was something unsaid an unspoken “but.” hanging between us in the air. I prepared myself for what I knew was coming—what I feared the most the rejection that was inevitable.


“No please wait for a moment.” I said suddenly realizing how urgent my tone sounded even to me. “Just… allow me to finish what I'm trying to say.”


I stepped a little closer to her looking directly into her eyes hoping to find some sign that she understood what I was trying to express.


“I know that this might come as a surprise to you. I've kept these feelings inside for such a long time and I can’t keep pretending that everything is fine anymore. The truth is I love you Becky.”


She opened her mouth as if she wanted to say something but no words came out at all. Instead of speaking I saw a look of pity appear on her face.


It spread over her features slowly almost like a shadow moving in the light. That look hurt me deeply even more than any kind of rejection I could have ever imagined or expected.


“I just want to say that I feel really honored and touched by what you just said to me.” she said her voice trembling a little. “However there is something I need to mention...”


“But there’s nothing to say” I interrupted feeling my frustration getting the better of me. “I’m not really asking for anything from you. I just felt that it was important for you to know how I feel. I needed to express it and that’s why I had to say it.”


“Jake I…” She started to speak but then her voice faded away. It was like she was trying to think of the right words to say. However I had a feeling that I knew what was really happening.


This was her opportunity to find a nice way to say no to me. I sensed it in the atmosphere around us it felt like there was an invisible space expanding between the two of us making the distance feel even larger.


“It's alright.” I said quickly interrupting her before she could start making excuses. I turned my face away from her trying hard to resist the strong feeling of anger that was building up inside me.


I thought to myself “I really shouldn’t have even brought it up in the first place. I understand what she is trying to say.”


“Jake please hold on a moment!” Her voice broke through the chaos in my mind but I was determined to keep moving forward.


It felt like I was a puppet whose strings were all twisted and knotted and I was trying desperately to break free from the control of the puppet master pulling the strings.


Even though she was begging me not to leave I chose to ignore her and began to walk away from her. With each step I took it felt like my feet were getting heavier and heavier making it harder for me to keep moving forward.


I could hear her footsteps coming quickly behind me but the loud beating of my own heart was so strong that I could barely focus on anything else.


I was determined not to turn around and face her again because I didn’t want to see that expression on her face—an expression filled with pity. That look always made me feel overwhelmed as if I was drowning in my own emotions.


“Please!” Becky cried out with urgency her voice filled with a sense of desperation. “I really don't want you to leave. Can we please sit down and talk about what’s happening between us?”


“I don’t think we have anything to discuss right now” I yelled behind me not wanting to turn around and look at her.


“I understand that you don’t share my feelings and that’s perfectly okay. I just felt that it was important for you to be aware of how I feel.”


“But Jake...” she said in a gentle voice and I could feel the slight shaking in her words. That shaking felt so powerful like a force that could tear me apart inside if I allowed it to happen.


I forced myself to move ahead taking one step at a time and each step felt like a struggle against the storm of emotions swirling inside me.


When I finally arrived at my room I closed the door with a loud bang and the sound resonated in my ears. The silence that surrounded me felt heavy and oppressive making it hard to breathe.


I could sense my anger rising to the top feeling like it was about to spill over. In a moment of frustration I grabbed a chair and threw it against the wall.


The loud noise of the chair breaking and cracking filled the room mirroring the chaotic feelings raging within me.


“Ugh!” I let out a frustrated sound as I swung my fist hard into the closest piece of furniture I could find. It was a small table that had somehow managed to survive all sorts of accidents and disasters throughout the years.


As my fist connected with the table I felt a sense of relief wash over me when I heard it crack and break under the force of my strike.


The pieces of the table shattered and scattered all over the floor creating a mess of little fragments everywhere.


“Mr. Jake!” A soft and timid voice suddenly interrupted my anger catching me off guard and surprising me. It was Clara the maid who was cautiously peering through the doorway. Her big wide eyes were filled with worry and concern. “Is everything okay?” she asked with a hint of uncertainty in her voice.


“No everything is definitely NOT okay!” I exclaimed sharply feeling my anger rise up within me. “Can’t you see that?” I found it difficult to breathe as I fought to manage the intense emotions swirling inside me like a storm.


“I-I just wanted to tell you something important.” Clara said her voice shaking a little bit. “I think you should know that there is a problem happening in the infirmary!”