Feeling Numb

Ashina POV


Sometimes I wonder if there's another feeling other than utter depression, it has gotten to the point where nothing makes sense to me anymore.


I faked a smile as he told me to, but It died as quick.


“Excuse me, I need to use the toilet” I said, and without further hesitation I walked out of the park celebration, then into the bosom of my room. Maybe it was because of the pregnancy but I wasn't feeling right at all.


I should be happy, the park had just won their first battle, I should be out there with a puffy chest, dancing with my park members.


“Luna, I saw you went inside, do you need anything?” estel said as she entered the room.


“Yes,” I muttered.

No I wasn't, I was dying inside, “Estel” I called out to her, successfully pulling her attention, she walked closer to me, her ever warm eyes caressed my face with a welcoming stare, I could feel the pity in her tenderness.



“Do you need anything Luna?” she asked.


My Adam's apple bubbled with guilt as I subconsciously fought the words I was about to say.



“Uhm, Estel, I want you to promise me something,”

Her brows creased with worry, “ what is it Luna, are you sick?, is the baby okay?, do you feel fine” she hurriedly placed her palm on my skin, her fingers raising my eyelids as she checked for signs of sickness.


“Tell me how you feel, I believe the park physician will figure something out, but you see fine, or maybe I am wrong, let me go and call him” she turned to leave but I grabbed her hands.



“No, no don't do that, I am fine, it's not sickness, the baby is fine, I just want you to do something for me” I said.


Still confused, her eyes stared intensely at me, like she was trying to read my expression, but my next word disappointed her.


“I want you to spy on the Alpha”


“What?!”


“Estel please, I know its a lot to ask, but I want to know the women he sleep with, I want to know who I am competing with, I just want to know Estel, I can't take it anymore”


“My luna I would be be heard by the Alpha if he knows I was spying on him, I believe you know that too”


“Estel, I know the cons are higher than the pros, but I can't go close to the alpha, his wolf would tell him I am close, and you know it, you know he would tell I want to know his concubines, but if you go close to him, he won't feel it, please, estel” I went on my knees, my hands grabbing the hem of her garment.


At this point, i didn't care about my status as the Luna, I didn't care that I was begging a servant to save me from attempting suicide next time.


“Estel—” choked up in tears, I couldn't say anything, I just wanted to let the tears flow down my cheeks, hoping she would be convince to help me out, maybe she would be convinced by the dept of pain rather than the words of my mouth.


I just wanted to know… I wanted to know who I was in competition with all the time, who he rather slept with than me.


“Please, I just want to know, maybe I could beg her to teach me how to lure him, I love him, Estel, please,”


“Oh Ashina” she knelt down, her motherly hands wrapped around my shoulders, and I felt her tears drop meticulously on my shoulders.


“Please” I sobbed even more. “Please”


A sudden creak pulled out attention to the door, I felt someone at the door.


In shock I pulled myself from her embrace then ran towards the door, to check who it might be, but to my disappointment I could not find anyone, the hallway was empty and void of anyone's presence.


But I could tell by the fading scent, that someone was here, a nostalgic scent… ‘zeeb’ my wolf snarled within me.


Somehow the mention of his name calmed me down, he was one of the people who barely spoke to me, but in silence they knew and understood my pain.


He would be the best match for Meera, but somehow they happened to be very distant, zeeb had always been the reserved brother unlike his brother lobo, the Alpha, he was the opposite and I felt connected to his silence, the way he looked at me, it was the same way estel looked at me.


Both of them pitied me, they knew my suffering more than anyone in the park, and I owe him, for the little advance and effort he put into showing that he sees me.


“My Luna, is something wrong? Is anyone there” Estel asked as she joined me at the door, I was lost in thoughts for a minute, so I pulled back.


“Nothing, maybe I was frightened, I thought I heard something, But it's nothing, I promise” turning back, I met Estels worried gaze, she pulled me by my hand, till we were at a safe distance.


“I will spy on the Alpha, only on one condition,”


Curious, I asked, “what's that?”


“If the Alpha catches me, and punishes me, I want you to take care of my family like they are your own”


My heart melts sitb guilt and gratitude.

“Oh estel” I pulled her in for a hug,“I am sorry I have to put you through all this,and I promise to take care of your children, your family is now my family,” .



“Thank I have your word, I will hold on to it”

“Thank you”


With that being said, she assisted with a cup of tea as we discussed the current happenings in the park, the war lobo had taken upon himself, everyone in the park sang his praises, including Estel.


But somehow, I don’t feel any ounce of gratitude, like I used to, I felt nothing.


I had gone numb.