An Unusual Heaviness

Ashina's point of view





I could stay and accept my fate, tell myself I am alright, and one day he would have love for me, but each second my hopes became cold and stupid, it was too high to obtain.
Alpha lobo was a man with an unchanging character, he was not easily persuaded and he was always clear about his intention, that was what he was known for, so now that I think about it, I feel so stupid.
He was never going to change, it was a loveless bond, regardless of what our wolf wants, regardless of my sacrifice and obedience, mommy tolerance to his exploration of women before me, my trust, my selflessness, my persistent to want to be better everyday, my ability to take PAIN!.
“You don’t do much on bed, most times I wonder if you are even a woman” he said as he weakly climaxed on my body.
I let him take me from behind, because I could not bear to imagine the looks on his face while he had sex with me.
I could not help but imagine if he stared at other women so blandly like he did with me, if I would still give him that satisfaction he got from them.
That was all I thought with each hump, each groan that escaped his lips.
‘What does she have that I didn’t?, am I that despicable, that he chose to sleep with women every now and then?”
“Go clean yourself up, I don’t need to perceive your pheromone all throughout the night, I don’t want to wake up feeling sick,”
My pheromones made us mates, it was the bond given to every wolf with their partner and knowing it was what made him nauseous could do so little for my self esteem, without a word I stood from the bed, then walked towards th bathroom.
Nala was silent, I could already feel my wolf getting cold and resentful towards me, it killed me even more to know how much torture I put myself through.
With my eyes focused on the ceiling top in other to stop the tears pooling in my eyes not to fall down my cheeks, I walked into the bathroom, locked the door, then turned the shower on.
My legs woobled in fright and and weakness as I fell to my knees.
Loni had very sensitive ears, but with me he was deaf, he knew everytime I cried, he knew even my wolf was calling out for support, even when he was the one that hurt her l, but he never acted like we were bonded in any way.
He was cold, he was always cold.
‘Washing myself’ took thirty minutes, before I was able to mutter the confidence to walk out of the bathroom, then unto the bed, lobo was always at the edge of the bed.
We never cuddled, never kissed if we weren’t in the presence of the park members, I never asked, but at least.
‘I am his wife’
I leaned on the bed, my throat sore and my eyes cloudy, I stared at his broad shoulders, he was just so masculine, he was my fantasy, I hated that other ladies he had slept with had the opportunity to touch him, but I didn’t.
Maybe they were confident, and I wasn’t, maybe they did things I would never do, maybe that was why he hated me so much.
I leaned closer to him, my heart skipped a beat, I had crossed my boundaries in the bed, I was never to close the large gap between us.
“Lobo” I dare call his name without his title, I was preparing myself for death, I was literally asking him to beat me up, to tell me how disgusting I am to behold.
“Lo—“
“Don’t, don’t call me, what do you need woman” and there goes my self esteem,and my courage, my eyes welled with tears again as I turned back to my usual position.
“Sorry” I whispered, as the tears dropped from my eyes.
•••
The next morning, I woke up to the usual heaviness in my heart, and the family cold that enveloped my entire body.
“Good morning my lady,” Estel said, as she approached my bed, she covered me properly with the duvet, and slowly moved my hair from my face.
“My lady, it’s cold here in the park, for your health and that of the baby, you need to be warm”
My eyes were still closed as she gave me her morning sermon on how I wasn’t taking care of myself.
“I prepared some tea for you— it’s not coffee, so don’t worry, it’s a herbal tea to warm you up” she said again, thought my eyes were closed she could tell I was awake, I was always awake, I barely slept, and she knew, she was responsible for my makeup, she knew how to make my eyes look more alive.
“Thanks estel” I finally responded to make her effort fruitful, but on this very day, I wasn’t prepared to pretend, I had no intentions of making effort into winning his heart, there was no need of wearing pheromones enhancers when it made him nauseous .
“My lady, don’t you want to prepare for the day?”
“No, I want to sleep, if I have any appointment to meet anyone, tell them I am under bed rest, and I won’t be available” I said then covered my head with the duvet, I felt her reluctance to leave but she eventually did.
Now I was finally alone, in the room, eagerly anticipating what my life would be here.
I knew so much about depression, I knew it had been a part of me, and I knew there was something on the other side of this feeling and it was happiness, and I would never feel it, I wasn’t prepared to stay in this state any longer, so maybe if I kill myself if I end it, alpha lobo would honor my park as a result of my death with his unending protecting, or if he doesn’t then I won’t feel it because I would be part of the stars and in the bossom of the moon goddess.
I stood from the bed, then walked towards the bathroom, the first sight was a sign from the heaven that my mission might be successful, it was lobos shaving knife.