Chapter 44 Drunk in pain 2
There were only several moments in life when silence make no sense. The eerie feeling could remind us one of being alive. Of hearing emotions through the tranquility, the serenity that weighs the words down, suppressing our sentiments.
I could hear the silence now, could feel the waves of memories and melodies of the way his breath seized now and then whilst he pondered something.
Nothing. Everything. All at once, I could feel his emotions yet I was failing to reach him.
"Sadie."
His soft voice warmed me, filled me with the noise. No problem was that big, but our mind makes it otherwise. He helped me remember that I wasn't alone here, he was here, I was here. Probably alcohol was running through my veins now, but I suddenly like his company.
Because we both were same, and memories were all coming back to hurt me.
I stared back into Silas's smooth-honey colored eyes, his concerned eyes reminding me of home. Cashmere and softness and love that I wanted to sink into and demolish.
"Sadie." Silas whispered again, this time running his knuckles across mine. He looked worried.
He looked at me apologetically, not with sympathy. I was resilient, I was naive. I was broke yet I looked whole.
"Do you miss your mother?" His questions came out like words whispered in air. Hardly reaching my ears but confines my heart in a unrelenting force. A sweet pang of pain, which I thought I wasn't capable of feeling. Not anymore.
I bit the inside of my cheeks tasting blood, looking up towards the ceiling. My mind rushed back to family I once knew. Had woken up Christmas mornings to, sliding into cosy pajamas, playing with Olivia to which my mother had laughed to watching us having a little pillow fight. The memories where my step-father had once showed me little fragments of love and admiration.
And then she was gone. Just like she never existed, just like a wave of wind had swept her away.
On the eve of new year, my mother was gone. Leaving nothing but a letter. Saying how suffocated she felt in that house. That she no longer love Brian, and wanted to start a new life. She even made sure to specify how much she loathed me, indicating how my face reminded her of my biological father. She had pointed me the reason of her disappearance.
My step-father become distant.
And like that, I went from ember to bursting flame.
Do I miss her?
My voice came out harsh against the silence. "I do not. I will not."
Silas's hand stopped rubbing against my knuckles, frozen. With shaky breath, I raised my hand upto my chest, eyes pressing shut as if I could get rid of the pain. Silas's cold hand pressed against my shoulders, his eyes moving up to look at me.
"No, I will never miss her. She had abandoned me. I never felt included in the family she so desperately created. She placed Olivia on pedestal. I always felt discarded and then she left. She even snatched the right to mourn her correctly. Because I loved her hardest when she was with me." I spoke with fervor, feeling chagrined as the images of my family splintered before me.
Silas immediately wrapped his arms around me, sudden warmth welcomed me as he engulfed me in his arms.
I wasn't done, but I couldn't handle my emotions anymore. All the hate, all the resentment I had collected came back clawing to me. Vulnerability no longer being just a feeling, but the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. It no longer being my weakness but the greatest measure of courage.
Uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.
For once, I let it cage me because it was the only way to let go of my insecurities.
Silas was quick to console me, rub his cold hands on my back, providing me unrelenting warmth I desperately craved. And I let it seep through me. I thought I'd make it, I hurt myself more than I could admit, I thought I was happy without her, complete. Not even realising that a piece of me was lost time ago.
"Let it out. Let it out." Silas hushed into my ears. His warm breath kissing my ears, and I surprised myself when I wrapped my arms around his torso. He stiffened. I didn't cared. Not atleast at that moment. I needed comfort, and he was providing it. Just like soothing balm to my burning soul.
"She never loved me! She never loved me, Silas! She abandoned me! SHE ABANDONED ME!" My soul shivered. I felt like the room was collapsing around me. My breaths shallow, heart a lifeless thump in my chest.
A shiver ran through me, as if I felt the hands from before touching me. Faces I wished I could forget, were in front of me with mottled alcohol. People calling me a illegitimate child, when they weren't allowed to. When I was just a child.
"It hurts. It fucking hurts-" I whimpered, even when not meaning to. Silas hugged me tighter, afraid if I would vanish. My sobs came out as screams, tears running down my face. I swore my throat bled as my cries echoed around the room like viper waiting to strike.
"It wasn't your fault." Silas assured, running his hand through my hairs.
But still the pain couldn't wake me from the horrible reality. One where I was back home and nothing more. I had become a person I never intended to become. A person who feared to survive, who didn't knew when she was being treated unfairly. One who, without a home, thought possession was love.
It was all wrong.
This wasn't how my life was supposed to be.
And no one could change that with their tears and apologies and words of regret.
Not even my dead mother.
I shook my head, "I don't need you to tell me it wasn't my fault anymore." I felt shift behind me. But I couldn't look at him. Couldn't see the pity and sympathy in his own eyes.
"I was so lonely. I don't ever want to be alone again. I can't be thrown away again. I-I just can't take it." My voice cracked out, sounding every bit like the child who begged to stay home.
The day my mother left rushed back to me in stunning clarity.
"You want to know why your mother left?" I looked up, confusion in my own eyes. What did he meant?
Hazel brown eyes so full of remorse it could fill an ocean.
I stayed stilled, letting the silence fill the room.
"You mother was quiet a woman. Extraordinary. I have seen her but her memories with me are blur as a child. She loved you, Sadie. More than you even realise and that's why she left. For you. For your safety. You wanna know why she married Brian? So that you couldn't feel abandoned without your father. It's true, Brian is your step-father. But you want to know what happened with your real father? I-I don't know how to say, but you need to know. You deserve it."
Silas was far away, nostalgia clear on his face, guilt evident in his orbs.
"M-My father killed him. Because he was scared that your mother would become a liability for him. He was afraid that she was resilient. Just like you. It was just revenge for him, he wanted to make her regret running away, to chose love instead of family. He was furious. I don't know much, but when I was seven, she visited us. Father was so angry at her. Their disagreement led into a serious argument. Just for showing her point of his power, he threatened her with Brian also. Your mother was a fighter. But when he dragged you into the mess he created, she became furious. Do you know why Brian never treated you like his own daughter? He knew. He knew everything. The day your mother left, he was the one who left her at airport. He partially blamed you, but he had promised Alexa he would look after you. He loved her."
I was shocked. Never hearing this story before, because both my mother and father refused to tell it. I never knew this was deep. But I was heartbroken, more than I looked. I took in Silas's expressions. But before it had been indifferent.
But it was clear now. My mother h-had deeply loved her first child. Me.
Maybe too much.
And here, I was cursing her. I never knew her side of story, I never knew her struggles. And I blamed her of sins she never committed. What was I doing?
"It scared me. Bit I know you can relate to this, Sadie. I don't know you. But I can feel you. When you're scared of losing someone, you push them away. Alexa did it with you. She knew deep down in her heart something bad would happen to you if she stayed, so she left. She was an amazing mother, and even more lovely person and I feel sorry that she couldn't be with you. She couldn't handle the pain of one day losing the little girl that handled strife like it was dealt to her by fate. Even in her afterall, she loves you. She watched you, and she misses you. Just like you do."
It was quiet. The room was deadly silent, none of us moving.
Just-just what exactly this life was.
~~~
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
Dante laughed nervously. Micah remained silent. The silence was deafening. Yet I decided to slice it.
"I don't know the connections she have with Alejandro but I am sure she's responsible for Sadie's escape." My voice low. My eyes burning with anger. Betrayal. If I hate anything. Traitors. I despised them.
"Now what? Miranda is gone. God knows where." For the first time in thirty minutes, Micah indulged himself. I've been trying to explain the situation for past half-an-hour. New plans needed to and because Miranda knows almost everything. It was still astonishing for me to even think she would do that.
We had spent our childhood together, as far as I remember. What made her do that?
But no excuse could get her away from my bullet. She would pay.
"We need to attack. Soon. Gerard is getting out of country. Hit the iron when it's hot." Dante nodded. Micah followed.
He was right. Gerard would be out of country in few days. Judging by his situation, I knew he would seek help of Sicilian mafia. Russians would be on his tail. And it would be a matter of second when they would find him. And that would be the perfect time for Alejandro for expand his empire. And I couldn't let that happen. I was heir of the italian mafia, and that would be shame to let him claim my father's ancestry as his own.
I would reclaim my throne.
But this time, with my doctor beside me.
My priorities were clear.
Rescue Sadie.
Kill Alejandro.
Destroy his sons.