14.

Arlon's POV

I will come, I had said. I made everyone believe I would come. But when the morning knocks on my door, I am unable to step away from my chair. I am unable to grab my armor, to say goodbye to Val. To say goodbye to.. that blonde boy I let inside of my home. The decision still irks me; I can just have him get executed. Without a question I can make them do it. but I will not. I do not have proof of my suspicions. I cannot be too hasty and too certain of myself. I need to wait. The knock on my door hurts my ears. I have not slept tonight, or the night before. I don’t think I have actually slept in weeks. Maybe a few hours here and there, but I can feel the lack in the way my eyelids hang low. I am exhausted.
“Arlon, are you ready?” I know why I haven’t slept. I know what has kept me awake these past two and a half years. I know what happened. But I do not acknowledge it.
Connie looks concerned as he walks towards my desk. I have my eyes et on him but I am not truly looking. It is hazy. “I cannot go, Connie.” I can’t lie to him. He was there when everything happened. He was there when Eryx.. I cannot think of his name. I cannot do anything. “They believe you to come with them, Lo. Don’t leave me alone on this one.” We have never gone into battle without each other.
I grab his hand and my muscles immediately get tense. I do not like human touch when I think of Eryx. Ah. There is his name again. “It’s getting worse, isn’t it?” He knows me too well, and so I allow myself to let out a shaky breath. I need to cry. “It is.” My voice cracks as I nod. “Fight it out of you, then. Do not disappear on your people because of him, Arlon.” I hate it when he’s right. I have abandoned my soldiers more than once. There will come a time they do not want to fight for me anymore.
“Can’t we tell them I will be joining a few days later? That some things came in-between?”
“Like what? That fucking brat you took with you?” Connie would be a great Right Hand, but I’m not ready to give that position away just yet.
“We can tell them that we have someone in our midst that may be a threat, and that I can’t leave my people behind.” In my eyes, I was never fit to be a king. I had five other siblings that would’ve been able to rule with ease. Maybe if they had not died on the battlefield, I wouldn’t have sat behind my desk right now, losing my mind. Maybe if they were still alive, my mothers would’ve been, too. But I do not have time to think about my dead family.
“We’ve got Chay to keep an eye on him! It’ll be fine!” Connie is determined to get me onto my horse, and I am determined to wave him off. Being best friends with a potential Right Hand and a commander isn’t always a positive thing. Not to mention that he is older than me, and has much more words to work with. I can barely think of a sentence in an argument. I’d rather shut down. “What if he kills Chay? He isn’t the best fighter, you know? And last time I checked you were desperate to keep Chay save.” I hate playing it on Connie’s little crush on the alchemist, but I have no other way out. I need to stay a few more days, if not a month. I need to make Eryx disappear again. Fuck. That fucking name.
“Have you given Elai an actual look? He can’t even control his death Gaze, let alone fight with those little arms of his.” Connie speaks ill of him without doubt. He’s even more suspicious than I am, and that says a lot.
The comment makes me huff. It is true; Elai doesn’t eye all too strong. But if he truly is a raider, then there’s no reason to underestimate him. Not that that is what concerns me. I just can’t get out on the battlefield when I’m being haunted this bad. Connie knows this.
“I’m not going, Connie. You can tell Cesilia and the other commanders to come and discuss it. Let their units wait.” I let out a deep sigh and lean back into my chair, which is slowly becoming too hard to sit on. The purple velvet isn’t doing its job anymore.
“I’m not going to persuade you, am I?” Connie’s expression is filled with disappointment, but I cannot find the energy to care. There’s too much on my shoulders already.
I shake my head and ignore the sigh that comes out of my friend’s mouth.
“What about the reinforcement they begged for? Have you forgotten how desperate that letter was?” It had only arrived yesterday. If it hadn’t, I wouldn’t have taken Elai in so recklessly. I would’ve gone to war first, and then see what the new boy is all about. It was stupid of me, I admit.
“We can cut it. Cesilia’s unit can stay here just as much as yours can.. and whoever else wants to stay needs to tell me. I’m sure there’s units that are willing to go without their king.” Like the last few times. I have said many goodbyes to soldiers that were supposed to fight by my side. But they are long gone, buried somewhere underneath the dirt we still rage on. I am glad to watch Connie nod his head, even though we aren’t on the same line. A king’s word stays a king’s word, best friend or not. He can’t say no.
“I’ll get the commanders to the council room.”