30.

Elai's pov

I am rushing down the hallway. I need to catch a breath. I need fresh air. I feel as if he had given his heat to me, as if I am the one burning. I might faint if I don’t get a quick breather, a moment to come back to my senses. He has a way of enchanting me, even when he’s not around. I can feel it still; his hand around my face, the softness of his fingers, the heat they were producing. Ah, stop it, Elai.
“Hey, raider!” The voice is familiar, although I have not truly interacted with her yet. Cesilia walks up to me the moment I get too close to the main doors, as if she could sense I was going to go out without one of the twins. I let out a deep sigh, eyes straying away from the guards. Cesilia is the only one that doesn’t wear the Turian colors on a daily. It is the only thing I truly know of her. That, and that she apparently has four girlfriends all around Turi. It doesn’t surprise me; she is beautiful. Her hair is pulled back into what looks like a masterpiece of braids. I wish I could do my hair like that.
“I was just going to get some fresh air-“ I need to get Arlon out of my system.
Cesilia huffs, and the closer she gets, the more intimidating she becomes. She is taller than me, tall enough to have to look down. I feel small in this moment.
“Without me? I’m great company, I promise.” Maybe she isn’t so bad as her brother. I put on a small smile for her to enjoy, and to my surprise, she intertwines her arm with mine. She holds me like we’ve been friends for a long time, head nodding at the guards. They open the doors up, and I am once again met by the evening heat of Turi. It surprises me still, how hot Turi actually is. I expected the kingdom to be the complete opposite of Lyle. I expected it to be cold and dark and silent. But Turi is more alive than my own home, I know that now.
“Hope my presence hasn’t stopped you from visiting your favorite brothel.” Of course she had to say something about it. I feel my cheeks heat up once more.
“You have not. I wasn’t planning on going. I don’t even have any Klyrching with me.”
“I can arrange something for you, I’ll wait outside if I ha-“
“I do not want to go there.” I cut her off as we walk down the first few steps.
“I just needed to go outside.” I get that they’re cautious, but the constant breaths in my neck is slowly making me go insane. If it wasn’t for my purpose, and if I wasn’t so weak, I would’ve tried killing them already. That would at least stop them from constantly watching me.
“We can go into the garden if you’d like? I’m sure the flowers will do you good.” Cesilia’s voice is different than the last time I listened to it. It is calm now, calm and deep. I like it, it allows me to focus on something else.
“Ah, I’d rather sit down on the steps, if you don’t mind.” The closer I stay to the castle, the less I have to spend time with Cesilia. I should’ve gone to my balcony instead, but that wouldn’t have been enough. I would’ve been trapped inside his walls, still.
“What has gotten you so distracted?” Cesilia tries to make eye contact once we’ve sat down, but I refuse to look back at her. I don’t want to face the words I’m going to say, I don’t want it to become reality.
“I visited Arlon tonight.” The words taste bitter sweet.
Cesilia nods a little, and I am now able to look up at her without feeling a deep sense of guilt. “He has quite a presence, I know.” She giggles a little, and I wonder if she even knows how deep my visit went. I was going to fucking kiss him, I was going to betray the sun. and I don’t even know if I was doing it to distract him, or if I truly wanted to know what his mouth tastes like. I seem to know less and less the more time I spent here. I have got to leave. I’ve got to leave very soon.
“I get his suspicion, but.. it’s getting a bit too much for me to bare. I can’t say a word without him looking at me like I’m lying. I just..” I sigh the words out without thinking, just because Cesilia feels like the right person to talk to. She’s different than Chay, he doesn’t seem to truly listen to me, even though he’s the only one to know my secret.
“I just don’t know what I’m supposed to say to make him trust me, so that I can leave and go back- home..” Back home. Lyle. I had almost forgotten I am not even allowed to go back. But if I am forced to stay here, at least let me stay somewhere else. don’t let me live here any longer.
“Arlon’s been taught a lot of stupid things, and I guess being a bit too cautious is one of them.” There it is again; the tiny mention of Arlon’s past. It keeps coming back in every conversation I have with these friends of his, even with Chay. They never tell me anything more about it, neither do I ask. What is it about his past that stays hidden?
“But you’ve got me. I trust you.” Cesilia’s words seem to lighten up my heart. The happiness it brings me makes it feel like I am actually telling the truth, like I have nothing to hide. I find myself wanting to look at her, and she’s smiling right at me.
She seems so genuine. “I’m glad my brother isn’t here to call me stubborn. You seem like a fine chap.” She puts her hand against my back. I am naïve enough to trust her on her word, like she apparently trusts me on mine. I let it be for now. I do not feel guilty for lying, for making her believe me or for laughing along with her. It’s okay for me to just.. be.
“Yeah I don’t know who’s worse- Connie seems to be on my ass a lot, too.” I don’t know if I’m allowed to talk about Connie in a bit of an annoyed manner, but Cesilia seems fine with it. She nods. She agrees.
“Connie has been very close to Arlon for a long while now. He was the very first person who pledged to dedicate his life to Arlon, you know. Ceremony and everything. So he’s kind of- on his tippy toes when it comes to the king.” Cesilia isn’t afraid to open up about her brother and the king. She tells their story without hesitation. But it isn’t special; I can’t do anything with the information she’s giving me.
“Why did he make a pledge?” My curiosity has the upper hand.
Cesilia lets out a scoff, her head shaking lightly.
“Connie didn’t really like Lo at first.. he was a lot when he was younger. Connie couldn’t really.. understand why they would crown a young lad to be a king..” Cesilia seems to like the story, there is a certain smile on her face.
“Then he uh-“ She has to chuckle first. I join in, even though I do not know what she is about to tell me. “He apparently saw the moon in his dream.. told me she visited him to tell him that he was supposed to be Arlon’s protector and friend.” She scoffs again, but I find it rather mesmerizing. I have never gotten a visit from the sun, not even in a dream. I’ve never seen what she actually looks like, how she moves or how she talks.
“The next day Connie was all over Arlon.. and Arlon was all over Connie.” Cesilia grins.
I allow myself to chuckle when I see Cesilia’s face; they’re obviously twice as bad together. I’ve had the privilege of experiencing it first-hand.
“I like it. I wish I could tell a story of how the s- moon visited me.” I almost messed it up.
“Yeah well, Connie is very convinced she actually exists. He even believes in the myth of the moon and the sun, and that their souls come down here to meet each other again.” Cesilia is doubtful of the myth; it is a myth after all. But now I wish to speak to Connie about it. It is my favorite myth to ever exist, although I do not believe it is actually true.
“I find it one of the most difficult myths the people of Tverindal have created. I mean- gods that bring souls down just to be able to love each other again? I.. don’t know.”
I am already starting to fantasize about it again. The absolute love they would have to feel for each other to bring their souls down to earth, to step into a vessel they don’t know anything about.. it’s so-
“Maybe it’s just a bit too romantic for me.” Cesilia snaps me out of my thoughts. She can see the expression on my face; she knows I like the myth, too.
“Ah- sorry. It’s just- I’ve read so many different books about it that I- I kinda started liking it. it’s like an escape, a way of.. believing that there is more out there than.. we actually know.” Imagine having the soul of the sun.. imagine being that powerful.
“You sound just like Connie.” She is smiling. She does not mind that I like the myth.
We sit in silence for quite a while, and the more the fresh breeze caresses my face, the calmer I get. I start to forget about what had happened in Arlon’s room, and rather start thinking about other things. Wondering, even.
I stick out my hand without considering my action. My fingertip traces across Cesilia’s scar, the one that most likely has to do with her blind eye. She doesn’t flinch, but I do feel guilty. I didn’t think it through and just went for it; I should apologize.
“It was Lyle’s warlord.” Cesilia stops me from apologizing.
“Happened a few years ago. I wanted to hunt him down for killing my mother on the battle field. Fought nicely that day, didn’t get to kill him, though..” I feel guilt strike down onto me. Her mother, dead because of a Lylenian- because of my kingdom’s warlord. I shouldn’t feel guilty, no, I should much rather bathe in triumph. I feel sick to my stomach nonetheless.
“I took a few of his fingers, so we’re even. For now.” It mesmerizes me that she can talk about it so easily, as if it is nothing but a joke. Maybe that is her way of coping with it.. yes, that must be it, because I can see the anger in her eyes. The anger and the pain.
“Besides, I can see just fine with one. Although.. I did have to learn how to use my bow and arrow all over again, without perfect sight.” Cesilia is very chatty. She doesn’t mind what she tells or reveals. She’s in her zone, and it seems like she enjoys my presence. I’m glad, we’re stuck with each other after all.
“Luckily I have the best brother in the world, who helped me out.” It is one of the first positive things Cesilia says about her own brother. It is like an arrow to my heart, but one of relief and happiness. Connie seems very caring when it comes to his sister. I wish I had a bond like that, with any of my brothers. Instead, we have barely spoken to each other, let alone helped each other out. The only days that happened, were also my last days with them. “I’m sorry that happened to you- I can’t imagine what it was like to-“ I can’t finish my sentence. I’m torn between my lies and my truths. I feel bad for her, but can I really openly express it? Will the sun get mad at me if I do?
“I’d be proud if I were you.”
Did she just really say that?
My breath is stuck in my throat, eyes staring at the steps in front of me while Cesilia stands up. I don’t say anything else; I can’t. Did she just confess that she knows my secret? Was that a way of letting me know?
“You should go to bed, Elai. Don’t want to be tired during training, am I right?” Cesilia walks away and lets the doors shut behind her. I don’t know why she does it; I could easily run away now. Or.. am I mistaken? The guards do seem on very high alert.
Fuck. Have I been tricked into believing no one knows?
Is everyone already aware of who I am?