65.

Arlon's pov

I wouldn’t be as concerned if I knew what got Elai to run away. I wouldn’t be as nervous, I wouldn’t be as hasty. Now my palms are sweaty and I ignore the eyes that stare me down. I can sense how they want to talk to me, greet me. Anything at all. Nerys was right. I do tend to ignore that I am a king. I tend to do it a lot and being aware of it, too. Constantly.
But I do not care about all the things I haven’t thought of yet. All I care about is finding Elai. He can’t be too far, it hadn’t been five minutes before I went after him. I heard the shake in his voice, I saw his lip tremble, I saw the way his chest heaved. There was an anxious aura around him, and I am supposed to fix it. Right? I am. That is what you do in.. relationships.
There are too many people, too many places and too many choices. I know him well enough to point out where he wouldn’t go, but I don’t exactly know where he would go.
See, I have never seen Elai gotten upset enough to walk away like that. I have experienced him in such a state, yes, but he never left me. He never excused himself. I haven’t found out where he likes to go when he’s upset. It might even be smarter to go home and wait for him there. But I can’t. I can’t leave him on his own, whether if that’s what he wants or not. I feel the strong urge to find him and comfort him, which scares me quite a bit. I haven’t felt that towards anyone in years.
It is not my thing to go around asking people if they’ve seen him. I hate talking to people I don’t know, and my anxiety is crawling up my spine like a disease. My heart starts to pick up its pace every time I ask someone. It is embarrassing and nothing for a king to be this afraid to talk to people, but here I am, sweating my ass off as I approach another person.
The shock in their eyes gets old, and by the end of the street, I have had no luck. At all. Not that I’ve asked everyone here, no, five people to be exact. But it is enough for me to give up; I can’t handle walking up to them any longer. it is too terrifying.
I put my hands against my waist, a deep sigh leaving my mouth. I cross the bridge with tired eyes and dart them down towards the grass. It felt like I had to. It was weird; like I was asked to look there. Elai is sitting in the grass, and I thank the moon for giving me this opportunity. Maybe I won’t look as bad as I am portrayed now. Maybe he’ll forgive me for upsetting him- if it was truly my fault.
“Chasores.” Elai looks up the moment he hears the nickname. I wish I didn’t know what people looked like after they had cried, but Elai’s eyes are painfully puffy, and his lips are swollen too. Fuck. I feel my heart sink into my stomach. What am I feeling?
The light of the moon shines ever so prettily on his face as he stares up at me, not a word falling from his lips. They part the tinniest bit, and if he wasn’t upset right now, I would’ve called him beautiful. Ah, Arlon. Wrong timing. Don’t admire someone’s beauty when they are crying, you stupid fool.
“Hey-“ I don’t want to start off too fast. I simply sit down next to him, a small smile appearing on my face when I notice the difference in our posture. Elai sits so.. small. His arms are wrapped around his legs and his chin leans against his knee. It makes me look ginormous. Which I, if I am allowed to say it, am. We are at least ten centimeters apart and here I am, once again, thinking of stupid things in a serious situation! Get your act together, Arlon. This is about a boy you like.
“Thought I’d be save from you here.” Elai is joking, I can tell by the way he lets out a soft huff. So why does he look so sad when he says it?
Should I have gone home?
“What happened?” I don’t know how to do this. I have never done this before. I never had to walk up to someone and comfort them. Of course, I had comforted my friends many times, but they are not people that share a certain connection with me. They are not people that I.. want.
“I barely know anything about him and yet..” His grip around his legs tightens. He curls up a little more, avoiding my eyes as he presses his cheek against his knee. If I had known what Elai had already been told, I would’ve understood. I do not. The frown on my face pulls on my skin.
“And yet he.. he seems to be who I represent.”
The sentence that follows scares me. Not because I do not know what he’s talking about, no. it scares me because it is true.
I don’t know if it is the long blonde hair, or the identical green eyes but.. Elai reminds me of him. The one I had sworn not to let into Elai’s life. I feel ashamed of myself, and I suddenly do not deserve to sit next to such an innocent soul.
“That is not-“
“Do not lie to me.” Elai’s words go from soft and sad to angry.
We’ve been around each other long enough to be allowed to get angry, to yell and fight and cry. I know this. So why am I getting worked up over his tone of voice?
“What is it about me that resembles Eryx? What is it that I do?”
Elai is unaware of how to handle all of this. I wish I could yell for Connie and Cesilia to explain everything. All I do is hide; he’s not going to get the questions from me.
“Is it even about my appearance? Or my soul?”
I’m trying to listen to him. I want to answer, even. But my mouth stays shut, a lock tightly holding onto my lips. I will not say a word. I can’t. It will hurt.
“Or is it because you are desperate to find someone to replace him?”
“Hang on a moment-“
“Connie told me I should not let him consume my life, you know. He told me that I did not have to carry the burden you all share.” Elai interrupts me. I want to stop him again, but I am slowly fading. My hands are shaking. My breaths are becoming heavy. My mind is emptying itself. Am I dissociating?
“But how am I supposed to look away from it if I am him?”
The words are muffled, but they’re still there. And they hurt. They fucking hurt. I wish I could explain everything. I want to explain everything. I want to get out of my past, too. But the cage is locked, and he’s still here.
I won’t cry.
No, I can’t cry. I can’t do anything but stare at the grass as it slowly fades from my sight. I don’t want this to happen right now. I don’t want it to become worse again, yet my eyelids still lower themselves.
“How am I supposed to-“
“I killed him.”