36.

My hand shows its fire just a tiny bit as the man takes a step backwards and spits on the ground. I’ve gotten him angry; he’s getting more worked up the longer I keep my defense going. He must be tired, unlike me. I was filled with life and energy. I was just a boy after all.
It is getting almost impossible for the man to break me, purely because of the simple skills I learned. I am not nearly as strong as the man yet I hold the advantage. My pride is building up; I still feel it, even when I’m dreaming.
“He’s winning.” I can even hear Cesilia’s voice as clear as ever, as if she’s standing right beside me. She’s wearing a bright teeth-wide smile on her face. I know they like to see me in my normal habitat. They met me when I was already a king, yet they never liked seeing me in those tight, royal clothes. I was allowed to be a normal teenager when I was around them. I miss that.
“What you waiting for?” I speak up with much confidence. I didn’t expect anything else from my younger self; I was so different back then. Better, but different. I avoid yet another attack right before my leg goes up, the man’s head now receiving a dangerously painful kick against his face. he groans, his body falling to the side. I stay where I am at first, fists still up in the air. I remember what Eryx had told me; never stop until you finished it. I feel the slight weakness grow in my heart, but there is no place for that right now. I have to finish it. Now. I place myself on top of the man, straddling him so I can easily reach his face. I punch. Again. Again. Again. Again. The crowd starts laughing, this time bringing a smile on my face. they’re laughing at him, not at me. I am winning.
It doesn’t take long before the laughs turn into whispers, but I am nowhere near stopping from punching the man. I am furious, even though all he did was call me a punk.
Do not speak to your king like that, I had said.
You are not my king, he had replied. It was enough for me to attack.
I know why I kept punching; I needed to become stronger. It doesn’t matter who will resent me; they’re not fit to be a king. I am. No one can control me, so why wouldn’t I go all the way? Why wouldn’t I go on until this man stopped breathing? Wasn’t that what Eryx had told me? To make them fear me?
I wasn’t waiting for this dream to go on because I know very well what happens next. I feel the rough fist against my face, and then the gravel. My cheek has scraped open, blood making tiny stoned stick to my cheek as I look up. I had barely harmed the man; I believed I was doing much more than I truly was. It was then that I realized they weren’t laughing at him, they weren’t watching me defeat him. No; they were watching me throw weak punches in an attempt to knock him out. They were laughing because I was weak.
“You are too fucking weak!” His voice is raspy and nasty. He had stood up with ease, his face barely smashed in. He had such a long way to go when it came to his strength, and this man wanted to remind me of that. “I don’t care if you are our fucking king. Challenge is challe-“ His voice stops when I close my eyes. At first it feels like I’ll be waking up, but then I remember. Oh no. Oh moon please. Please wake me up. Get me out of here. The man’s body falls onto the ground, this time with actual force. He tries to get back up, but a foot stops him. It presses against his back, and I know very well who had appeared. Wake up, Arlon! Please don’t make me see his face again.
“Get out of here! All of you! The king has business to take care of!” I hate his voice, no matter how much it makes me want to cry. Even my friends don’t stand a chance. They walk away without another word. I am still glad they did; they knew that is what I wanted. I never wanted them to be involved with Eryx, I didn’t want to do that to them.

“What the fuck is this?” Eryx’s tone breaks me apart. I need to wake up. I can’t take this right now. He grabs me by my shirt and lifts me up. I am easily defeated when it comes to my old lover, an angry but scared expression falling onto my face. The man on the ground lets out a soft groan; he’s going out cold.
“I-I was just..”
“Just..? Just?! How many times do I have to remind you that you’re a king now? A king with responsibilities and a whole damned kingdom to rule! And where do I find you? In the middle of a fucking street fight!” Eryx scared me so easily, yet I was so in love with him. I allow him to spit the words at me as I try to keep myself on my toes.
I remember how much it annoyed me, and that the moment he let me go, something snapped inside my mind. my tired legs walked over to the barely conscious man, finger pointing down at him.
“Arlon, what are you doing?” I confused Eryx in that moment. It wasn’t the first time, but still. My hand lights up, fire bursting out of it. My mind went blank in that moment; I didn’t even know what I was doing. I was angry at Eryx for shouting, I was angry that he stopped the fight. I press my burning hand against the man’s back. The screams are terrible, but I do not stop. “This is what you want from me, right?! You wanted me to become stronger!” I didn’t get to burn the man for long, Eryx quickly taking control of the situation. Water flows out of his hands and onto the older man’s back, my fire’s damage fading away. He heals his back before it can leave scars. I struggle backwards; Eryx’s ability is too strong for me to fight against.
“You are such a fucking brat!” Eryx looked so scary when he walked up to me. He used this certain.. fast pace, hands bawled into fists. It frightened me all the years I spent with him.
I try to crawl backwards, gravel scraping open my hands now, too. “It disgusts me..” The slap against my cheek surprises me a little, the red spot hurting more than I expected. It was the very first time he truly harmed me. It was the beginning of so much confusion. He made me believe that that was meant to happen when you were in love, that when I did wrong, I would have to be punished. He only hit me during training yet now he did it purely for himself. It was confusing, it was weird. I didn’t know what to do with it. My lover doesn’t say another word as he walks past my frozen body. Even in this dream, I can’t move. I can’t change the past, I can’t pretend it happened differently. He had hit me outside of training; he had harmed me.
“Come back home when you’re done being a fucking child.”
I stay there by myself, eyes still staring at the ground as my hand places itself against my cheek. No fucking way. Eryx actually hit me. It took me a while to understand it had happened, and I didn’t even notice the tears that started streaming down my cheeks until I decided to move. I can’t get myself to stand up, the sudden break down catching me off guard. I lean onto my knees and cry it out of me, hands keeping the noises from my mouth hidden. I don’t want to be found in this moment, in a moment where I show weakness and hurt. It is not kingly. It is not good. That is what Eryx told me. But I cry, nonetheless. I simply want to cry. I didn’t know what had upset me, I didn’t know if it was the slap or the fact that I disappointed my lover. Because what could be worse than to disappoint the person I love most? Eryx is trying to teach him how to be a king and all he does is act like a child. I need to grow up and become a true man, a man that Eryx wants to see. A man that Eryx can be proud of. Still, I cry louder, tears unable to stop falling from my eyes. I was hopeless.