66.

Arlon's pov

When I open my eyes, I am not next to Elai, neither am I sitting beside the streaming water. I am back home, loud music filling the hallways.
I hate this day.
I want to snap out of it. I want to pinch myself and get back to reality. But I know it is of no use. I feel as drunk as I was this day, my 21st birthday being the best one I had so far. I remember the presents, the kind words and the smiles I saw that day. I was happy. I feel happy. But I know very well how this day ended, and I am not ready to relive this moment once again. It is my most reoccurring nightmare, the one that haunts me the most. I wish my feet would walk another way, I wish I knew what was going on. I wish my younger self did not open this door. But he does. I do. A chuckle leaves my mouth as I stumble into Eryx’s room. I don’t want to see his face. I don’t. Let me go. Snap out of it, Arlon.
I close the door behind me and let out a groan. My head aches.
“You have been drinking, hm?” Eryx’s voice appears behind me, and I am glad that this is a mere memory. He would’ve laughed if he saw the fear that his face brings me. He would have loved it.
“Yes!” I answer him with so much happiness in my voice. That day had been so good, so fun.. it was.. perfect. I giggle some more, I even twirl around the room. I know Eryx doesn’t find it funny. I know he hated it when I was like this. He tries to push me away from him, tries to get me to stumble backwards. But I am drunk. I want to do nothing but hold him. Have him.
Please. Get me out of here.
“Please touch me, Eryx.. I haven’t been touched in so long..” I look up at him with dull eyes, the sharp look on my lover’s face unsettling. “You don’t look happy.. let me make it better for you..” The words that leave my own mouth seem to echo in the back of my mind. I wish I could manipulate the vivid daydream. I wish I could tell my younger self to run.
But, as always, I try to plant kisses on Eryx’s neck. The man is determined to keep me far away from his weak spots, large hands pushing at my chest.
“Stop it, Arlon.” His voice is sending shivers down my spine. It is as dark and raspy as I remember it. A part of me is glad that I am hearing that specific voice again.
“Come on, lover.. I want to feel you inside of me..” I am already out of breath, my lips finally planting a single kiss onto Eryx’s skin. I hate how real it feels, because it makes me want to sink into him, it makes me want to hold him, to tell him I’m sorry. It is disgusting, but it is true. Eryx groans and lifts me up, and a giggle escapes my mouth. I thought I had one at first, until I feel myself get thrown onto the bed. I watch my lover walk away from me with a pout on my face. I simply wanted to be loved.
I wish to skip the words that come out of my mouth next, but I know my mind is going to force me to listen to them.
“Ah! Don’t be so difficult! I am your king, you know..” I stand back up and stumble after my lover, who is now only inches away from the door. I won’t let him go. Not on my birthday. I remember all too well how much I believed that I deserved to be treated well on my special day. I had barely seen him my entire birth week; this was supposed to be the night I’d finally get his attention.
“You are supposed to obey me!” I whine and am just in time to grab Eryx’s shirt, stopping him from leaving me by myself.
Wake up, Arlon. Please.
Eryx turns around with a deep frown on his face, his flat hand hitting my warm cheek with rough force. My eyes widen, and even now, even in this vivid daydream, it feels like I haven’t been drinking at all. I feel sober, aware and.. scared. I freeze, not a muscle disobeying. I can feel my younger self fall apart. I had been hit many times, I had felt worse.. but this felt different. It was my birthday, it was.. my day. Maybe my emotions spiraled out of control because of that, because I didn’t feel special, nor loved. Maybe that’s why tears start to form in my eyes. It was surely not because of the pain, or because of the way it stings. My mothers used to hit me, too, and they still loved me, didn’t they? They had already taught me that hitting a person was an act of love, to show someone they did something wrong. Still, tears stream down my face as he stares into my eyes. They do not stop, as if he had truly done something wrong.
“One time! Give me space to breathe just one fucking time!” The tears worsen when Eryx starts yelling at me, his finger up in the air. I shrink down and he fucking watches me do so. He watches without any emotion, without any guilt. This is how he liked to see me. A king below him. Must’ve been a great sight.
I start thinking back of who Eryx used to be. Fuck. I even remember every single moment I thought of back then. He was so.. different. He wouldn’t even budge whenever I made fun of his age. He seemed so soft. Compared to this he was.. he was so..
“All you do is follow me around like a fucking dog! You are a king! You are supposed to be able to live on your own!” He was right about this, you know? I had turned twenty-one yet I relied on Eryx. Everything I did was through him. Because of him.
I was so stupid.
I’m starting to shake, and it reminds me that the moment is coming. It is going to happen if I do not snap out of it right this moment. I frown and finally dare to look up at him. “I-I don’t understand where this is coming from, my love.. I just wanted to have some fun..” The words taste so unbelievably sour. It is my last attempt to get him to calm down as my mind tries to tell myself I deserved to get hit. It was easy to believe; Eryx was always right, after all.
I smile, my hand reaching out for Eryx’s arm. If I could just touch the man, if I could just make him feel better, I am sure Eryx and I will be fine again. But Eryx, as always, slaps my hand away from him. “Stop it! I don’t want to hear all that shit! I’ve been trying to teach you how to be a proper king, have tried to put you behind that fucking desk of yours, but you’re always out there yelling my name and wanting to have fun! I can’t take it! Be the ruler you are meant to be for once! For once!” Eryx’s harsh words are difficult to take in, yet I take them like a champ. I have stopped crying. Ha. Stupid me believed Eryx was just drunk. Yes. That was it, to me. A drunk man unable to think properly. Of course Eryx isn’t done with me. I need him. “I never wanted to be king. You told me it was my destiny! I did that for you! If I had a say in it, I would’ve lived in the woods by now! With you! Just the two of us!” I force myself to yell back at him, no matter how intimidating his figure still is.
It is starting. I want to snap out of it. I need to snap out of it.
“There is no ‘us’ Arlon! Do you want me to say it that fucking bad?!” Eryx walks away from me with his hands leaning against his waist. Here it comes. The words I was unable to take, unable to swallow. I will not be snapping out of it. I will have to watch it all happen again.
“I was not after you! I was after that fucking thing on your head!” Eryx points at the crown on my head, which suddenly becomes very heavy to wear. I wish to fall apart. I wish to scream and fall on my knees. I wish to die. I did not want to hear those words again. Not now that I know that I was actually trying to talk to Elai.
“But you- you kissed me.. told me you loved me.. you shared the bed with me..” My voice becomes softer with each word I say. I feel myself crumbling down, I feel the way my fire starts heating up inside of me. It starts in the pit of my stomach, begging to burst lose. “You used those whorish eyes on me.. how could I not want to rip those clothes off of you?!” I feel filthy the moment I hear what he says to me. I want to throw up. But there is no time for that; it has started. Flames start to crawl out of my hands, heart beating out of my chest. I wasn’t as strong as I am now. In this moment, It hurts to use my ability, flames eating at my skin as Eryx’s eyes widen.
“You are a liar.” I hiss out as I follow Eryx until the man’s back bumps into the wall.
“Hey- hold up there kid-“
“You are a fucking liar!” I still feel the anger I felt on this day. I feel every emotion inside of my body as if I am truly back here, as if I am truly going to kill him again. As if it hadn’t already happened. I feel his flesh inside of my hand, my fingers squeezing as hard as they can. His throat feels nice, still. I watch myself choke him, flames slowly consuming his skin. I don’t allow them to cover his face, yet. I don’t allow him to die, either. Something inside me wanted to see it happen in the most slow way possible, eyes enjoying the pain that appears on my lover’s eyes. Watching it happen breaks me, but it pleasures my younger self, and thus a smile grows on my face. It grows and it grows the longer I hear Eryx beg, the more I hear him whimper and plead. It is like music to my ears in this moment. “Remember what you taught me?” I raise my eyebrows at him. He does not answer. “Traitors must get punished..” I continue to quote him, my heart beating out of my chest. My flames start eating at his fingers, his arms and his chest.
“I am- no- traitor- you fool-“ Eryx is starting to lose his voice; his body wants to scream.
“Oh but you are, dear lover. The worst one of all.” I listen to the cries with my eyes wide open. I watch and I watch and I watch and the event still does not change. No matter how many times I relive it. It does not change. He is disappearing. He is dying.
I don’t soften my flames until his screams stop, until his soul has truly left his body. I pull my hand back and allow my flames to eat at the rest of his body. I watch. I simply watch.