15.

Arlon's POV

I don’t take the time I have left and make my way over to the council room. It is located on the first floor, a floor I mostly visit to bathe. I am no fan of meetings, but I doubt anyone is. I do remember Eryx being a big fan of them. But that speaks for itself. Ah. I have got to stop mentioning his name. I sit down with my lips sealed, sweaty palms pressed against my thighs. I do not want them to get mad at me. Last time I decided to step out for a little longer, they wished to attack me. I attacked first. I do not want that now.
I want to be able to express myself in a way that does not anger the commanders. I am grateful for them, I really am. But I cannot go into war feeling like this, with Eryx weighing so heavy on my shoulders. Shit. I did it again. I am sorry.
Connie is the first to walk in, followed by six other commanders. One of them being Cesilia, of course. Her face is blank. She is different when she has her commander badge on her chest. She is more serious when it is there, unlike how she is when she is not on her duty.
I recognize the quick look she gives me; ‘what in the moon’s light do you think you’re doing?’ That is what her eyes are asking me. I reply with a raise of my eyebrows. ‘it is him again.’ It means. She understands better than Connie. She nods at me and curls her lips into a thin smile. I wish I could thank her, but it is too quiet in the room, and there are too many angry eyes looking at me.
My lips don’t part until everyone has greeted each other and has bowed down to me, even though I know they do not want to. This would have been easier if I did not know all their names and their families. If I did not feel anything towards any of them. Then, I would’ve said the words and waved them off. Then, I wouldn’t have felt the knot in my stomach. then I wouldn’t have to stand up and apologize. Again.
“Thank you for coming, everyone.” I place my hand against my stomach and bow as a way of showing my gratitude. I hear some mumbles and even see a roll of the eyes, but I have to let it slide. I cannot do anything different.
“I know I have disappointed you and your units time and time again, and I know that this is terrible news, but..” I keep my eyes up, no matter how much I want to look down at the table. I have to be a king.
“I am not able to travel to the battlefield tomorrow.” There aren’t any surprised gasps; they already knew. The noises are more like huffs and clicks of the tongues. I did not expect differently. “This will be the third time in two years.” One of the commanders shakes her head while the others nod. I do not want to talk any longer. I wish I was a king they feared. I wish it was that easy.
“What excuse do you have this time, young man?” No one addresses me like that. No one that I do no tolerate. But these people have been by my side since I was crowned as king six years ago, when I was still a kid. They feel more like my own family, like parents I never had.
“You might have heard, but some strange boy turned up in Turi about three weeks ago. Arlon does not trust him enough to leave.” I did not expect Connie to speak up. Whenever I get like this, he leans back into his chair and watches the commanders argue with me, because he thinks they’re right. I wonder if Cesilia persuaded him to help me. She would.
“So lock him up in the dungeons. Ain’t got no time for a stray.” Teie, the commander sitting next to me, raises an eyebrow.
“Teie is right. Lock him up and get him out when you’re back. It’s as simple as that.” I should’ve thought of a better reason, without mentioning Eryx. Elai is a weak excuse, especially because I could indeed lock him up in the dungeons. I almost feel like giving in, to just go with them and fight my anger off. But I can’t. I feel too miserable. Eryx’s blood on my hands is too vivid. I can see it even now, and so I try not to look down.
“I am not going to lock him up.” I have no other words to use. I just want to go back to my room.
“We can split the units. Let’s not put too much pressure on the king.” Cesilia hisses out at the rest of the commanders. She has always been the one everyone looks out for. I know what her reputation is like no other, and even though others are frightened of it, I adore it.
“Split them? You want to tell me that sending four units is enough?! Half of the last ones have probably died already!” I get startled by the loud voice that sits in front of me, hands slamming against the table. “We cannot just let this boy decide if he wants to go or not! He is a king! He is obligated to!” I can’t shut his voice out. I wish I could. I wish he was wrong.
I also wish I could take my gloves off. It is getting too hot and I can feel myself lose track of my own core concentration. I don’t want to set anything on fire. I bawl my hands into fists and sit back down, legs crossing. “It is incredibly stupid and unacceptable.” He finally stops there and relaxes his own hands, eyes fiercely looking into mine. He is the first to move his eyes, and it shows the difference in our position.
“It is quite stupid, yes. But they can easily survive with four units. The other four will probably join in a month.” The last time this happened to me, the last time Eryx’s memories got too close again, it took a month for me to get back up. I hope it will go faster now that I have someone to guide. The blonde is probably still asleep, but if he wants to do this, he will have to wake up early in the morning. Then, my mind is clear.
Cesilia makes a point. It calms me a little to see the commanders nod.
“But what do we tell our units? They count on you.” Another knife to the heart.
I let out a soft sigh. Let this be over. “You tell them whatever you want. The truth or a lie, I do not mind. You can make them hate me for all I care.” I lean onto my fingers, heated glove pressing into my skin.
“Such a reckless young boy..” It is okay for them to treat me like a child.
I stay a king.
“Do not insult him. Now that I’ve got time on my hands, I can easily beat your ass.” Cesilia makes me chuckle. Luckily, the commanders stay light-hearted. They have spent enough time with her to know she is not serious. Not completely, at least.
I would have said something myself if I didn’t feel like this, if I didn’t see that fucking blood on my hands.
“Alright. Fine. As long as I can go.” Teie stands up first, and to my surprise, three follow him like dogs. Cesilia and Connie don’t show any disappointment, even though I know they are. They want to fight, too. Ray, the only other commander to stay, does sigh. She stands up as well and takes her badge off, putting it in her pocket. It is a way to disrespect me, but I see no reason to get mad. I do not have the energy, either.
“If you pull this one more time, I will be out.” Ray disappears into the hallway towards the stairs, and I stay behind with my two closest friends.
The twins do not say anything until it is sure that everyone had walked down the stairs. Connie is first, of course.
“Great! Now you’ve got five angry commanders.” He has said it the first two times, as well. I do not get affected by it. It is normal.
“Six, if you count me in.” Connie crosses his arms and ignores the hand against his shoulder; a small nudge from his sister.
“Stop it, Connie. We both know what this is good for.” Cesilia, Connie and Chay are the only three people that know of my history with Eryx. I want it to stay that way; I don’t want anyone else to ever find out what truly happened behind closed doors. It is why I keep my mouth shut. Even now.
“Sure, but we also know he enjoys to fight it out of him.”
I wish I could soften the conversation. “I do not have the energy for that this time.”
“As if locking yourself up in your room does you any good! All you do is try and paint his face! Just forget him!” Connie often says things he does not mean. He, too, has scars from the days Eryx and I were.. I have to stop.
“Hey, if you want to get angry, go punch some drunks in a tavern. Don’t throw it onto Arlon.” I wish I could tell Cesilia how glad I am to have her. She says things I could never put into words. She is good with feelings, unlike Connie and me. We both suck tremendously.
“I’m sorry, pretty boy. I’m just- I’m frustrated.” At least he uses his favorite nickname on me. It tells me it is alright. He is not angry with me.
“I wish he’d get out of your head.” Two years are not enough to forget all the things that had happened with Eryx. I don’t think any amount of time will be enough. It will always hurt, like an open wound unable to heal.
“Yeah. Me too.” At least I will not go into battle.