70.

Elai's pov

I think Chay has been avoiding me. I’ve seen him in the capital only once, and when our eyes met, he made sure to turn around and disappear into the crowd. It is eating at me, if I have to be honest. Connie and Cesilia have become quite the friends but.. Chay was the first one I met here. He means too much to me, and it stresses me out that he does not wish to see me after a simple, embarrassing encounter.
He is the only person that fills up my mind as ride into the woods. It is the first time that I’ll be doing something by myself, without someone to watch me. Nerys apparently has a residence in the second ring of Turi, and I’ll be on my way longer than the time I will get to spend with her. Luckily, the day is clear, and the horse I had chosen is quite a good companion. She’s very cheery, and I am not ashamed to say that we have good conversations. I have brought some gifts with me, just to make sure Nerys knows I am visiting her simply because I wanted to see her.
It doesn’t take long before the castle is out of my sight, and that when I look behind me, all I see are trees. Chay must’ve been very determined to get me to his home, because riding through these woods is difficult. The road is terrible and you can’t see much of the path ahead.
“Elai!”
Huh? Did I just hear that correctly?
“Elai hold up!” What the fuck. I turn my head and allow my horse to come to a hold. Chay. Just when I thought of him he- is that considered a secret? Is he here because of his magic?
“Chay? What are you- how did you know I was here?” I jump off of the horse and give her a small pat. It won’t take long, I promise her. “I saw you walk by so I knew you’d be out here somewhere!” I have never heard such a bad lie. I could’ve gone anywhere after passing Chay’s house, and there are at least six other paths crossing through the woods.
I’m starting to feel uneasy.
“Uh- but- why did you follow me, then?” I start walking with him, horse in my right hand, Chay on my left. He’s picking at the skin of his fingers, eyes not daring to look up at me. He has been the one avoiding me, so what is the reason for this random encounter? Is there something that he wants from me? “Well.. to accompany you! I don’t want to rat him out or anything, but Arlon told me he doesn’t trust you going alone. With your bloodline, and everything..” Chay seems to be genuine, but I can’t help but shake my head a little. I don’t think Arlon is in that stage anymore.
“Oh. Alright. Fun.” I decide not to point out the weird story, though. I know he likes me, and that that might just be the reason he’s all.. fidgety and nervous.
“We should take the next turn right. It’ll be a lot faster.” Chay lays his hand on my back, and I feel myself flinch. I have never felt uncomfortable around Chay. Why now?
“Chay..” I’m going to ask it.
“Have you been avoiding me because of what you saw the other day?” It didn’t embarrass me back then. It was actually quite funny, and Arlon and I spoke of it the rest of the day. But now that I’m walking beside Chay, and now that I know what kind of effect it had on him.. I feel my cheeks heat up.
“I don’t know what-“
“Please don’t lie to me.” I stop walking and tighten my hand around the reins. I want to run away from him. I can’t explain why. Something is just.. off about this situation.
“I haven’t been avoiding you, Elai. Truly.” Chay looks right into my eyes as he lies to me. Again. I bite on my bottom lip; I’m not up for a fight right now. Maybe Connie has made me too skeptical about people, maybe he has had an influence on what I think and how I perceive people. Even Chay.
“Yes. Of course. Sorry, I’m just a little nervous about meeting my aunt.” I let it be. If there is something wrong, it’ll only make it worse if he sees that I had noticed his strange behavior. He leans his hands against his back as we walk on, my heart beating in my throat.
“Do you think queen Nerys has good intentions?” He tries to make up a conversation, but it does not pull me out of my nerves. I need to leave. I need to get away from him.
“Y-Yes.. I believe so. I might not have the best family, but not.. everyone is bad..” the words taste odd in my mouth. I have only ever known my family as bad and selfish, so why can’t I point my finger at Nerys, too? Not only does our blood roam for her veins, she’s my father’s sister, too.. and that can’t mean much good.
But, I have never read anything about her, neither have I known her outside of the acts of kindness towards my younger self. Beside her blood, there is no reason for me to not trust her. Even if my friends think differently.
“It must feel nice to have someone from your family be close by, then. I know how tiring Arlon can be. Not to mention his friends..” Chay sounds disgusted saying that about the twins. It makes me frown and wonder if his kindness is all just an act. I mean, he is just as close to them as Arlon is.
“It’s not that bad, actually. I do, however, worry about what Arlon really sees in me.” Fuck. I was not supposed to tell that to anyone. Especially not to Chay. Not now that he’s making me uncomfortable.
“You mean because of the whole situation around Eryx?”
“Yeah..” I look at Chay for a few seconds, the mud below us become wetter.
“I had told you it was not a good idea.” Instead of comforting me, or telling me everything will be alright, Chay throws guilt onto me. He raises his eyebrows and huffs, even. My cheeks heat up, embarrassment coursing through me. Why does it make me feel embarrassed? Arlon is my lover. I like him. I want to be with him. There is no reason for me to doubt my decision.
So why do I?
“Arlon is not going to get out of that place. I do not believe he is capable of doing that.” Chay’s shoulder brushes across mine, my head shooting up.
“He’s been fucking ruined, you know.” Chay keeps striking me with his words. I feel myself tense up. Am I going to cry over him again? This time, I don’t know if it’s because he does not truly see me, or if it’s because I feel sorry for him. Truly sorry.
Have I ever even told him that?
“Ruined enough to carelessly destroy the life of someone he’s supposed to love.”
Love. The word hits me quicker than whatever Chay is telling me. Could I one day be able to actually love Arlon? Does love even exist? Could he love.. me?
“I don’t think he’s out to destroy my life.”
“But he does seek Eryx in you.”
“Will you stop?!” I snap at him. I can’t hold it back. I feel my core bursting lose, my grip suddenly tight around Chay’s set of bones. “All you do is break him down as if it’s your right! What did he ever do to you?! If you don’t have anything good to say about him, why don’t you just shut your fucking mouth and-“
“He sought Eryx in me once, too.” Chay shuts me up with calmness in his voice. I regain control over my core and quickly let go of his bones with widened eyes.
“He ruined my fucking life. That’s why.” I have finally hit a nerve. He turns around without saying another word to me, and I feel myself slowly sinking into the ground. I keep picking pieces up that I had rather left behind.
“Chay I’m-“ I turn my head to look at him, to try and tell him I’m sorry, and that I shouldn’t have said those things.
But he has disappeared.
He is nowhere.