50.

I wake up with a rumbling stomach. When I look beside me, Connie is already gone. My body feels like it has been sleeping for a long time. I haven’t missed my birthday, have I? It wouldn’t be the first time, neither would it usually bother me. But I desperately want to celebrate it now that Elai is going to be there. He seems to make me excited about everything to come. Even the tournaments, even though I know Connie is going to win anyways. I get out of bed with tired legs. My arms hurt, too. It takes quite some energy to dress myself up in my festival clothes. The pants fit tightly around my legs and the corset isn’t the greatest thing to wear when I feel like this. But anything to look good; it is my birthday week after all. I don’t know why, but I’m quite nervous when I open the door to meet the eyes of the guards and whoever is out here.
“Arlon! Ah, I was just about to wake you up!” Cesilia comes rushing up to me with stress in her eyes. What have I missed.
“Happy birthday, youngster!” Happy birthday?
Have I slept through the second day?
“Hey! You’re barely a year older than me.” I decide not to ask about it. I’ve slept longer than this before. It shouldn’t surprise me as much as it does.
“Sure sure! Now get your ass ready for the ritual or I will get real angry.” Cesilia has always been the most occupied one on my birthday. She organizes quite a lot; it is much more of a workday for her. I appreciate it, though, no matter how much I wished she was able to stay by my side all the time. “Is Elai there too?” Why do I ask her about Elai? I feel my cheeks heat up the moment I stumble back into my room, Cesilia right behind me. “Of course. He wouldn’t want to miss the very first ritual he’ll see in his life. Besides..” I hate that word. It does not mean anything good. “He’s been having a really good time with Chay.” I can hear it in her undertone; she knows how that news makes me feel. She says it on purpose. I wish I could yell at her or get angry, but I much rather decide to laugh. That is just who she is, stirring everything up until I decide to explode.
“Here. I’ll help you out.” Cesilia has never helped me with my outfits before. It has always been the maids that help me. Maybe she knows I need the company; maybe Connie has told her what had happened in the time I was asleep.
Yeah. That is most definitely the case.
I avoid the déjà vu when I look in the mirror and watch Cesilia button up my white blouse. There has always been something special about the ritual clothes. Every single thing is white, even the details you can barely see. It stands for the heart of the moon; believed to be as white as snow.
“Take a deep breath.” It is the only warning Cesilia gives me before pulling the strings of the new corset. It tightens around my body and shows off my figure, and if I was still as satisfied in my body as I was when I was younger, I would’ve smiled at how good I look. Now it does nothing for my eyes. “You’ve lost weight.” She sounds sad, and even that doesn’t awaken my emotions. I seem to be dead, like a corpse wandering around a castle I should’ve left hundreds of years ago. I don’t even feel like I belong here anymore. I try my hardest to get to my core, to feel my emotions and wake myself up from the sickness I am falling in to. It is the first time I want to resist it, and we all know why. We all know who’s causing these rebellious emotions. Elai Amias. That bastard.
“There.” Cesilia puts her hands on my shoulders when she looks into my eyes, a bright smile appearing on her face. “I’m sure he’ll faint when he sees you in this.” She’s referring to Elai, and it is the best thing she could’ve possibly done. I can feel my heart skip a beat; I can feel some sort of excitement. Yes. Bring it back to me.
“You think so?” I raise my eyebrows at her as she places her hand against my back to escort me out of my room. I feel at ease now that Cesilia is with me. She has always had that power.
“I know so.” And with those words, we walk in silence. The doors open for me and a large crowd welcomes me with loud cheers, praise and love. For just a moment, I feel at home again. Eryx had always told me that this is not what a king wants. He believed it was important for a king to be feared by his own people, so that they’d listen to him. Turi has lived like that up until the day that Eryx died. I changed after that, and the result of that change is right in front of my eyes. They adore me. I grant them smile, a soft chuckle and my hand against my heart. There he is, they think. The moon. It makes me chuckle a second time. It is weird to be looked at like a god. Like an inhuman, superior life.
My eyes travel down the stairs, and I notice Elai’s face pretty quickly. He’s applauding me along with the rest of the crowd, but his eyes hold a much deeper look. Or at least, I hope they do. I will never be sure if I can trust him. Not unless I make him prove himself.
I like the way his hair looks when it is out of a ponytail, or a bun. It shows off the length, and I wonder if he plans on growing it out. I think it’d look good on him- oh. Did I really just think that?
His smile takes me by surprise. It is small but genuine, lonely but inviting. It does something to me; it awakens the emotions I had lost. I feel my heart beating and my mind going wild. It is difficult to admit yet I do; Elai is capable of starting me back up. The music that starts playing startles me and I have to come back to my senses to realize that they have already begun the ritual. The pit behind the crowd is waiting for me to light it up. I take a deep breath, eyes finally looking away from Elai and hand pointing past my people. I let my hand heat up first before the fire comes crawling out of my skin. It bites at me even my own ability wants to harm me. I grin at the thought and allow it to travel to the pit until it is fully lit. This is the best part; the part where they cheer for an element completely out of their reach, or an element they don’t have anything to do with. It is funny; they’re fools. One by one.
Except for him. Except for Elai. He hasn’t turned around to praise the new fire. He’s still looking at the creator. He’s still looking at me. His hands are still clapping, his position hasn’t changed. He seems just as mesmerized by me as I am by him. It is once again a small but detailed moment we share. Everyone around us is extra, they’re sides in our play. They don’t matter; only we do.
My breath hitches when I feel two hands appear around my shoulders. It is time for me to get down on my knees. It is time to show Elai something else he’s never seen before. I allow Cesilia to take the crown off of my head. She will be leading the ritual. Again.
I say the Turian praises over and over again. I allow the moon to place her hands on top of my head, or at least, that’s how it is described in the books. I actually don’t do anything at all. I just wait for the blood to spill from my head to my body down below. It is time for me to close my eyes, but I am desperate to see Elai’s reaction. His hands have dropped and his eyes are probably following Cesilia, who is behind me. I can sense the bowl in her hand and I finally force myself to close my eyes. The only thing left for me to do, is feel.
Feel the way the blood streams down my cheeks and my back, the way my hands tightly press against my thighs, and the way the softened music tickles my ears. I can hear the way the tiles below me slowly turn red, the way the warmth streams down the last few steps and probably reaches the feet of the first row of people. My senses are aware of every little thing that is happening around me. The soft whispers, the singing, the eyes that look at me with pride. 24. There’s no specialty behind the age, yet the cheers are loud as the last stream of blood crawls through my hair. I hear the way Cesilia bows down behind me, the way her knees hit the ground and the way her hands creep up on me. The hands are heavier this time, and I wish to open my eyes to look at Elai. But I have to keep them closed until both Cesilia and I have spoken the words of the moon. It is all in Turian, and I secretly hope Elai hasn’t been learning any. It will give me an opportunity to tell him. It will give me a reason to approach him. If I even need a reason. Do I?
The cloth against my face feels nice as the maid tries to clean it up as much as possible. I can see the startlement on her face when I open my eyes and look directly into hers. I can see that she wishes to fade away in that moment. I smile at her. I even thank her; it will do her good. She will have a story to bring home. My eyes then spot a smirking Connie, who is walking up to me with the big goblet I still hate to this day. It contains what people to believe is dragon blood, but I’m pretty sure everyone knows it’s wine. Connie bows down to give it to me and he quickly winks. I know it is to tease me; he’s very much aware of how I hate to drink this certain wine. I look down at its red color, at the way it is waiting for me to swallow it whole. I press the edge against my lips and decide to look at Elai once more, who is mesmerized by everything else but me. He’s looking at whatever is happening behind me, lips parted and eyes shining. Ha. Cute.
I try not to cough or moan or whine during the last bit of the ritual. It is difficult to drink a goblet of wine in one go, especially for someone who is a heavy light-weight. I’m pointing at myself right now. I allow it to stream down my throat nonetheless, until the very last drop, and that’s when the cheering starts again. The cheers for me, for me, for me and me again. Am I going back to my dream? The cheers are clear yet they sound so far away. They have echoes, echoes that eat at my skull and pierce through my brain.
“Congratulations.” Eryx’s voice is the only clear thing I hear. I close my eyes and hide my face behind my hands. Is this real? Is this happening? I want to look. I want to make sure I’m still here, want to make sure I’m not being surrounded by a thousand images of him.
“Hey.” Cesilia’s voice is loud and clear, clearer than Eryx’s. I am safe. I am okay. He isn’t here.
“Breathe. You’re going to hyperventilate.” I can’t feel embarrassed, no matter how many people are watching me. I feel the tears sting in my eyes yet I do not hide. It is okay now. Cesilia is like a protector, but the reason a grin appears on my face grows beyond her love. Eryx would hate the tears that fall from my eyes, and I, for the first time, feel disobedient towards the rules he gave me. Towards whatever he wanted me to become. I let the tears flow because he wouldn’t want them to.
I feel happy to know that the people start cheering; it is the end of the ritual and tears aren’t uncommon in this moment. They probably think that I am thankful and emotional over the blood that had been gathered for me. They don’t know that I saw Eryx mere seconds ago. They don’t know that he still hides behind my eyes, rooted deep into my brain. They don’t know the feet I walk with aren’t truly mine, and that the decisions I make are mostly base on how Eryx would’ve wanted it. They don’t know why I cry.
Unlike the twins, who both help me get up my feet with soft smiles on their faces. When these episodes came for the first few times, they used to shout and freak out. Now they know that it is only silence I need.
“Let us celebrate your birthday, shall we?” The words put a bright smile on my face; it is no time to think of the past.