16.

Arlon's POV

It has been hours since the meeting. This is my third walk through the garden. My mind is blank yet so full of everything and I can’t seem to shake it off. I thought about drinking, or getting high on river-fog, but I am too nauseous for that. Last time it got worse, I smoked my sorrows away and barely remembered I was a king by the end of the month. Now that I’ve refused to go into battle, I can’t also decide to ignore my problems again. I have got to face the blood on my hands. I have got to face him.
A deep, longing sigh escapes through my lips as my eyes look up at the sky. I could visit his tomb, but I don’t think I’m ready to do that yet. I might blow up the entire place if I’d go there. I used to visits my mothers quite often to apologize and cry, but after Eryx.. died, I could not get myself to go there again.
I turn the corner. That’s when I see him. His hair is perfectly blonde and it won’t take much longer before it can reach his elbows. He’s wearing something I put in his closet this time. The black pants show off his thighs, but I try not to look at that. The golden belt bites into his skin; I can see it from here. Both sides of the blue tunic are open, and his skin shines like gold. One arm has disappeared underneath the sleeve of the tunic, while the other is completely visible. I still love the design. I used to wear that when I was eighteen, back when I was still as slim as Elai. His face is the perfect shape and his eyes are as green as grass. He has plump lips and a smile that- shit. He is smiling at me.
“Like what you see?” I did not know he had noticed me.
I snap out of it, eyes quickly mobbing away from the gap of skin.
“I was simply appreciating that you decided to wear it.” I give him a small smile. Eryx seems to be far away from my thoughts now that I’m talking to Elai. It is odd.
“I can’t walk around in a robe every day, can I?” Elai stretches his back and shows me the flowers he had gathered.
“I hope it’s alright that I got some flowers. I thought about melting them, for special occasions.” I have never worn make up before, but I have seen how it is made. He has chosen the prettiest of flowers, the colors divers.
“How did you get into the garden?” I am straying away from my mind.
“Connie thought it was a good idea. He wanted to help.” And that for someone who had whined about the suspicious boy only hours ago. I chuckle a bit and slightly shake my head. It is exactly what Connie would do. Sneaky bastard.
I do not see the steps Elai takes, and all of a sudden, he is much closer to me. I hold in my breath. I don’t know why. I don’t think I want to know why.
“Will you still go into battle with me?” I don’t understand him at first. I know Connie has probably told him that I wouldn’t go. I wonder what Elai thinks of me now that he knows I’m a horrible king.
“I -do not-“ And then it hits me.
“Oh! Of course. Absolutely. I cannot wait to beat your ass.” I get confused by my own joke. Did I just really say that to him? Why? It is not as if I am planning on becoming friends with him. I do not like him.
“Sure.” He turns around with a roll of his eyes, and I let him. I do not move until he disappears around the next corners, bushes too high to see him walk away.
The cold returns to me in an instant, and I can almost feel Eryx’s breath against my neck. I feel my knees weaken and my breath hitch. I know I am capable of thinking him away. He is not real. He is not real. My hands turn red again and a splitting headache falls down on me like lightning. I turn myself around with all the strength I have left and take a few, quick steps to be able to sit down on one of the white benches.
I don’t want to be like this when I’m outside; what if someone sees me as weak as I am? It will be humiliating. I cannot be seen as a weakling. I have got to appear great and big and strong.
But the headache only worsens, and I can do nothing but put my head in my hands and hope that it will disappear soon enough. I need to get back to my room.
The more I try to fight it, the more vivid he becomes. It does not take long before I open my eyes and see Eryx standing in front of me. His stance has always been firm, especially when he crosses his arms. I let out a soft cry, his face looking down at me in disgust. I am sorry, I want to say. He comes closer, and I try to suppress it, but a loud scream leaves my mouth anyways. That is the last thing I hear before I lose my senses.
I wake up with heavy eyelids. I’d say it is nice to have slept, but the nightmares were horrible. I don’t remember waking up from them. I don’t know if I even woke up.
“It took you long enough.” At first I tense up. I swear it was the voice of Eryx, until I see Connie sitting at my desk. He scratches the top of his head.
“Been three days, man. I was getting worried.” Three days. I thought this wouldn’t happen again. He stands up with a small smile on his face. I do not deserve friends that take this good care of me. I do not deserve friends that care, at all.
“Do not rush, Lo. Don’t want you passing out again.” Connie puts a hand on my shoulder to stop me from standing up. I look up at him without saying a word. I am afraid that if I speak, he will come back. But the air around me seems awfully calm, and it does not take long for me to realize he is not here. It is probably because of the nightmares. He has been around for days already. The ghost has calmed.
“I don’t know what to do, Connie..” I allow myself to rest my head against Connie’s stomach, his hand now grabbing mine. His heat puts a smile on my face; this time, he is hotter than I am. I wish that did not sound this weird. “I don’t know how to erase him.” The blood is still thick, and so is the memory. I can still feel my hands around his throat as if it was yesterday. I can still feel the blood rush onto me and still see the horrid look on my lover’s face.
“Healing takes time.” I wish he believed it himself. Maybe then we wouldn’t have so many arguments about my past.
“Can you do something for me?” I want to talk about something else. I squeeze into Connie’s hand as I stand up, the breeze from the open doors cold against my naked torso. I walk up to my desk, the drawings I had tried to make of Eryx still scattered around. I can avoid falling into that pattern for now. I have something I need to take care of.
I have always been like this. Whenever I wake up from passing out, I feel the need to get productive. It is not a healthy coping mechanism, but I do it anyways. I do not see another way out.
“Depends on what it is.” Connie lets out a soft chuckle.
I smile with him. “You need to find out who Elai is.”