Chapter 22

[Amelia POV]
My night with Owen had been different than I expected for my first time, in a really good way! I expected Owen to be more expectant or me having more knowledge in what to do, but he took control and was so patient with me. It felt amazing, and even though at one point he became more aggressive when I could tell Samuel was emerging, I wasn’t afraid, and he didn’t hurt me. It all felt amazing! Things have changed between us now; we are more now. I keep trying to put human terms to what we are, but in honesty I wouldn’t know what to call us. We were soulmates yes, but are we boyfriend and girlfriend now? Roommates with benefits? I hated that being raised in a human household had confused me so much! I guess maybe I wanted to have a label for us, so I feel more secure.
‘Does it matter? You are mates, isn’t that enough?’ Anaya asks me.
‘I guess not. I just feel like maybe we are not exclusive if we don’t have a name.’ I admit.
‘Why don’t you ask Owen?’ She suggests.
‘Wouldn’t that scare him off? Guys hate labeling things don’t they? I mean that’s what I have heard anyway.’ I say.
‘That is because human men are dumb and hate commitment. You are werewolves who believe in mates being together for life. No exceptions. No doubts.’ She says firmly.
Maybe she was right. I was over thinking things again. I hated being alone with my thoughts, because they always made me doubt myself and Owen’s feelings for me. As much as I wished I was more confident about everything, I was far from it still. I had let people tell me I was worthless for so long, and I believed it even now I believe it. It’s easy to say to let my past go and be happy, but we are talking about 18 years of verbal and sometimes physical abuse from people I trusted. People who never told me they loved me or even that they liked me.
I knew Owen cared about me, but I guess I would have to hear him to say it a bit more for me to believe I am worthy of it.
‘Why do humans lack confidence? It can be tiresome.’ Anaya says annoyed.
Her words hurt me a little. I know I shouldn’t be this way, that my whining must be annoying for her. When she is like this, I feel more alone. She is supposed to be part of me, but I never felt close to her in that way. She had used me and taken advantage of my trust, and even though I had forgiven her, she did not change all that much. Her words bring back memories that I wish I could forget. Maybe that was why it was hard to get rid of these negative feelings about myself, when my wolf constantly reminded me of my weakest traits were just that, weakness. I wanted to feel connected to my wolf, hoping she would make me better, but she seemed less enthusiastic about being apart of me as I was of having her within me.
I needed to change that, I needed distance. I sat down on the couch and focused my mind. I breathed deeply and released the breath slowly. Focusing on my bond with my wolf.
‘Amelia what are you doing?’ She asks slightly panicked.
‘I’m sorry. I can’t take this any longer. You are as bad as the people I had escaped from. You are hurting me as much as you had before. You want me to be strong when I am just trying to heal, you don’t understand me and your words only make me fall deeper into self-doubt. I forgave you for taking over me, but you haven’t changed. You are as much against me as everyone back home. I need to heal, and that means we need space.’ I tell her firmly.
‘Amelia! Stop! You don’t know what you are doing! I won’t be able to protect you! I will be trapped!’ She screams at me.
‘Maybe this time apart will remind you that you need me too, and I am not a toy for you to use for your amusement and take your frustration out on. My mind is at war with it’s self and I need peace.’ I say in an angry tone to her before I groan and pull up a wall between us, and finally shut he out.
I feel a surge of energy leave my body and I feel weak suddenly. When I thought about walling off my wolf, I did not realize there might be a physical effect as well. I had always felt weak, but now I felt…human. My other senses that had always been slightly heightened are less intense but not in a bad way. I feel normal. I let out a sigh of relief. My mind feels quiet for once. Anaya had been terrible at keeping her emotions blocked off, which often meant I would feel intense emotions suddenly and now there was nothing.
When Owen returned I was sitting on the couch with my eyes closed. He rushed toward me an sat beside me.
“Amelia, what happened? Something is wrong! Your bond it seems different.” He says in a panicked tone.
I open my eyes and look at him, and I try to smile. The truth was, I felt kind of empty now. Who was I without Anaya? I didn’t even know.
“I had to do it Owen, I couldn’t take it anymore.” I say with a shaky breath.
“Do what?” He asks me softly.
“I shut her out. I had to! She was still hurting me.” I tell him.
His eyes widen slightly in realization. He knew who I was talking about and he seemed to understand why.
“What was she saying to you?” He asks me.
“She was tired of my thoughts. She said I was being annoying, just like she always does. But Owen, it only reminds me of my mother and father telling me how worthless I am. I can’t take it anymore. Those words hurt me so much! I want to get better but how can I when she triggers the worst moments of past with her words?” I am crying now.
He moves closer to me and hugs me tightly.
“I understand why you did it. You have every right to feel the way you do, and you do need time to recover from your past. If you think you need space from her than I support you. Our mate bond might be a bit weaker, but I can still feel you.” He tells me.
“Will I be able to mind link you?” I ask not realizing what else I might lose by walling Anaya off.
“Yes, once you join the pack it will be amplified more, but right now your body may be too weak to make a link with me. But that doesn’t matter, we can still communicate fine without the link. Tonight, is my Alpha ceremony and you will also be presented as Luna. Usually the Luna will shift and let the pack bond with her wolf as well, but we won’t include that as part of the ceremony.” He says.
“Will that be a problem for the pack? Will they still accept me without seeing my wolf?” I ask him concerned.
“In all honesty when my mom mentioned that white wolves are rare I have been worried about people finding out what you are, in case it would put you in danger. If you are that rare, it may be safer the less people know. At least until we know more about it. We can explain to the pack that you are very special and need to be protected, but not why. They will obey their alpha.” He says confidently.
I wanted to believe him, but I was still a little worried. The pack may think I would not be able to fulfill my duties if I can not shift properly. I needed to show them I could be a good leader, there had to be some role in the pack I could fill that would show them what I am made of. Owen let out a sigh, and then dangled a white paper bag in front of me.
“Chocolate croissant?” he asks with a grin.
“MMM! Sounds amazing!” I hum taking the bag from him and pulling one out. It was still warm and tasted like heaven in my mouth.
Chocolate is the best medicine for any illness of the heart!