Chapter 124 - Not tonight

**Zandras pov**

The feelings inside me were like bad weather, storms and strong winds tearing at each other. He had said before that it was my choice, that he would lay down his life if it was my wish, but I never expected him to actually do it. When I came here, I had expected resistance, negotiation, or him using his charm to make me fall and completely forget why I was here. When he made it a game, I’ll admit I got carried away, I thought I’d have the upper hand, that he wouldn’t stand a chance. But I was wrong. His skills were better than I could have imagined and when I felt his arms around me everything suddenly felt so right. When I showed him the dagger I still expected him to try something but nothing happened, nothing but his willingness to meet my will. He even brought my hand with the dagger to his heart. All the pictures I got from him were full of love, regret and happiness that I would continue to live. I looked at the dagger, my hand was raised, one quick movement and it would be over. He would tell me when it was time for the last heartbeat so I could cast my spell, separate us and watch him die.
“Not tonight..” I heard myself, how determined I sounded and I threw the dagger across the room. I took his face in my hands, his golden eyes with my gray streaks looked at me questioningly.
“I can’t lose you tonight...I don’t want to lose you tonight...” His hands found my face too and for a long moment we just sat there drowning in each other’s eyes. Then it was as if he was wrestling with himself, I got some broken pictures and I understood that he wanted to kiss me, he also remembered that he promised never to force himself on me again so he held himself back. He should only know that I wrestled with the same demons, in a sense. I wanted so badly to be close to him, to feel his lips against mine, his strong arms around me…then Aayla appeared and I backed away. My thumbs made circles in his beard, it was a very sexy beard, not long, but not so short that it was prickly. Other images came to me, Aayla..no, it wasn’t Aayla, it was Hope. She was with the Great Heaven, Selene..I had never seen her except in statue form, but Aayla had described her beauty, her calm and her multi-colored eyes. There was no doubt about it, Hope was with Selene...but why? Unconsciously, I strengthened the connection, afraid that something had happened, that Hope had been hurt and was naturally in heaven because that’s where you ended up after death.
*“Is it true that Aayla gave her signs?”
“I do not know.”
“Could she do it?”
“I do not know.”
“But Aayla is here with you, right?”
“She is.”
“Is she happy?”
“Of course, she’s with her loved ones.”
“So why would she care what happens on Earth?”
“She wouldn’t...Zandra is an incredibly strong witch, I imagine if she wanted to connect with Aayla she could find a way, if she finds the way to her dreams, then maybe Aayla’s wishes from her life can manifest.”*
I lost my breath for a few seconds and felt tears fall from my eyes and Ambrogio’s expression went from longing to worry.
“Zandra..what’s wrong? Please, talk to me, tell me what I can do to calm you down.” He looked at me, then turned and his eyes, searching for the dagger.
“Stupid man..I’m not crying because I threw the dagger...I’m crying because I shouldn’t have carved it.” He looked even more confused if possible. The Night King, the father of vampires, the man who would paint the world in blood if he wanted, sat here, troubled by a woman’s tears.
“Zandra..talk to me, please.” I still had his face in my hands and I pulled it to me, our lips meeting in a tentative soft kiss that held promises of better versions. I pulled back and looked at him, his eyes had a glossy coating and if I had given a man in the desert a bottle of water I would probably have seen the same expression on his face.
“Luna is a smart girl..”
“Luna?”
“Yes, Luna..” I didn’t know if I should explain everything to him or wait until I was sure of what I wanted to do. I wasn’t yet, even though Luna sends me information, I still have to process it. If I had followed my impulses, I would have made love to him here and now, couch, floor, it wouldn’t have mattered, my desire for him burned intensely inside me. But I was smarter than that.
“It’s time you showed me to my room.” I pulled away from him and stood up, I could feel his gaze on my back as I walked towards the bookshelf.
“Your room?”
“Well, if you don’t want me to sleep here on the couch, not everyone is up at night and I’m assuming you won’t take it for granted that I’ll be sleeping in your bed, mate or not.”
“Hrm, of course not..uh..I’ll make sure a room is set up..Zandra..I don’t know...I don’t understand..” I studied the book spines. There were books about Genghis Khan, Dante’s Inferno, about Achilles and Galatea, as well as books about Da Vinci, Nordic and Greek Gods and folk history. The mix fascinated me, I had never gotten pictures of him reading but apparently he had a very wide interest in worldly history. I heaved a sigh and turned to him, he had stood up, the confusion was clearly evident on his face. “Ambrogio...Aayla came to me..in my doubt about you she demanded your death. You set her fate precisely as you set mine, only in a different way. Luna...Hope...They showed me that I misinterpreted...that I assumed your death was necessary. I still don’t know if it is...maybe, maybe not...I’ll stay here, in a room of my own. Tomorrow you show me around, introduce me to your children and we take one hour at a time. He swallowed hard, he didn’t quite understand what was happening.
“Hey, don’t look so surprised, in a way they’re my children too, they wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for me, am I right?” He nodded absently and I couldn’t help but find it comical, I swallowed a giggle and kept my determined mask. He opened the door and shouted something into the corridor outside before closing it again.
”So..just so I got it right...We...I’m not going to die tonight? And tomorrow you want me to show you around?”
“Correct, and if you can have someone pick up my bag at the gate…I left it there, didn’t think I’d need it.”
“Of course...sure…absolutley..come, this way.” He scratched his beard before he held out his arm, and once again I took it and once again I reflected on how right it felt. He led me through two shorter corridors before stopping in front of a door.
“This is my room, if you need anything, anything at all, come to me, okay?” I nodded in response and we walked a few more steps to the next door.
“This is your room, however long you want it. Zandra…you’re safe here, no one would hurt you.” I just nodded briefly in response before opening the door.
“Thank you! I see you tomorrow.” I stepped in and closed the door behind me, instantly a little colder inside without his presence.
The room surprised me, exactly like much else I have seen since I came here. His question about dark curtains and chests did not fit, at the same time it was not so far away, I had expected darkness, heavy fabrics, solid old furniture and cold. I was met with the opposite. The room I was assigned was nicely decorated. A bed, queen size, bright curtains, a dresser, wardrobe, mirror and an armchair. A large window behind the curtains showed a moonlit garden. Besides the door I came in through there were two more doors, one led to a small picturesque bathroom, the other was locked from the other side but when I thought about it, it could only lead to one place, the room next door...Ambrogio’s room. That it was locked from his side gave him access to me but not the other way around, I didn’t like that. Three snaps of my fingers and a couple of carefully chosen words later I wished he’d try to get through the door, it would really sting if he did. I heard a soft knock on the door I came in through, too soft for his hands. I opened the door, but no one was there. Only my bag was on the floor outside. Had he already had time to give the orders that no one was allowed to integrate with me? It didn’t feel right, I was curious about them. All I knew about the Children of the Night was what I had seen on the battlefields, but as their father had proven, there was so much more to learn.