Chapter 34

The hit made Jiwoon sobered up, he winced at the tingling pain in his stomach. What now? Yenn clearly seduced him but why did he suddenly hit him again? He sat up on his bed looking at his naked body and the clothes that are all over the floor. He sighed, pained and disappointed. Why did Yenn backed out? He was moaning pleasurably underneath him but when he put his thing in, he kicked him away....
Did he hate it?
If he did, why did he agree in the first place? It was unnerving that Yenn pushed him away and it was when he came first but he still hasn"t!
Jiwoon brushed his palms to his face then he grip his hair in frustration. "If he don"t like it then don"t fucking lead me" he mumbled to himself then finally stand up in his bed. His body shivered, realizing that he was still naked!
He picked up his clothes on the floor and wear them back, he paused a bit when he saw the shirt that Yenn threw in his face. It was still there, he didn"t took it back? He wet his lips remembering everything, pissing him off and hitting his guts with guilt. Right now, they really need to talk. He went out and headed to Yenn"s room, knocking on his door with his feelings suppressed inside him. He had to know—no he need to know why Yenn suddenly became mad.
Everything was fine isn"t it? He was rewarding him. He didn"t even plead him for that but he knew Yenn, he would do something that he want and would complain if he don"t. So just why, he knew Yenn clearly want it too. He really felt it even if it"s just a brief moment, he know that. Yenn wanted him.
"Hey, open the door!" he yelled out knocking harder on his door. He"s mad, he"s really mad. He agreed being a slave because he want his forgiveness even though he knew himself that he won"t ask anyone for that. He said please and he knew himself that he would never say that, he knew—That he really changed and that he fucking changed his ways because of him. He no longer knew himself and that"s because of Yenn so why? Why did he fucking changed?! He"s the only one to blame!
"Open the door or I"ll fucking break it!!"
"Yenn!"
He called out many times but he was only answered with silence, the silence that he hate, the ignorance that come from him, he hated it too but... he never complained— not even once to him or to anyone else so why... why does he feel so weak right now?!
"Yenn..."
"Please... open the goddamn door... "
The door creaked, followed by a peeking glance from the person inside, his eyes were red and there was still the trace of tears that streamed down in his cheeks. Yenn gave him a short look then he turned away avoiding his gaze. "Yenn?" Jiwoon widen his eyes, he didn"t expect him to be crying right now. "What? Are you gonna make fun of me again? Go on, I don"t care anymore." He snorted at him.
"No. Why are you crying?"
"What is it to you? Why do you even care whether I cry or not? It"s not like it"s related to you"
"Then why are you crying if not because of me? Yenn, we need to talk... seriously"
Yenn looked at him, furrowed brows, seeing that expression again and again, that mocking eyes that always look down on him. Those scrutinizing gaze that suffocate him every time Jiwoon looked at him. He hated that, why does he always looked at him like that. He felt too little...too weak and too stupid to even explain every reasoning he got. But he would never dare to back out. He had to say it out—he just had to.
Just to lighten up the heaviness that he feel deep inside him.
"What"s there to talk about? You and I? I don"t have to talk about you or about me so just..." he flinched, seeing Jiwoon eye him up like a talking piece of shit, he really couldn"t take it, his tears began to fall, wetting his already dried cheeks with another stream, his golden brown eyes became a dull shade of brown then he looked at Jiwoon"s eyes that are currently staring back at him too. Now isn"t the time to feel so weak, not until he knew the truth. He wiped his tears, keeping himself steady then he shook his head. Right now, he had to ask him why...
Just asked him the reason so he could get back on his feet and restart himself again, or else he won"t be able to sleep in peace. He inhaled deeply then sharply look into Jiwoon"s eyes, determined to know every single bit of his reasons. There"s no point being a coward anymore, no matter how scared he is, no matter how shaky his lips to utter a word...he have to ask about it.
"Why did you raped me? Why do you say you don"t like me and you don"t hate me back then, when later on you did that to me...I hate you...I want to let you know how much pain you inflicted to me and I want you to feel how wretched I was when you raped me and just—end everything if I could just do it to you too but, I can"t. I don"t know what am I supposed to do if that scene keep coming back to my head. It was a nightmare that I couldn"t escape and I always asked myself why— why did you do that to me? Every single day, I wondered if there"s something that I did to put you off or if there"s something wrong with me or you, just what the fuck is wrong with you??!"
Yenn cried totally, the pain that was stabbing his heart and everything that he held up inside was finally out. If he include everything he feel, he would be laugh at, he"s a guy and it"s too humiliating to be raped by another guy! Even if someone said that he looked like a girl, he could still accept it but raping him without knowing the reason why is just... Something that he"ll never accept. He know that right now, in front of this guy he just looked stupid and was just being weird but...he want to understand...why, just why did Jiwoon raped him?!
They both have a moment of unending silence then Yenn finally avert his gaze away, hearing a deep sigh from Jiwoon which made him look back at him, his mouth opened but he never utter a word but after another moment of the overwhelming stares that he gave, he finally speak.
"I...was a selfish person who would think more about myself than any other" Jiwoon fixated his eyes to Yenn"s. "I thought at first that you"re just a scrawny guy that really get on my nerves...listen to me first and don"t shut the door, damn it." he continued, sensing Yenn"s glare of dissatisfaction. "You were really troublesome and I knew that you"re just doing that purposely so I was irritated.....come on don"t give me that look, I listened to you so listen to me too. M—master" Jiwoon stuttered, quite uncomfortable calling him like that, he rarher preferred calling him by his name than a cringe affirmative. Yenn pursed his lips then let him in his room, they sat on the bed as he urged Jiwoon to continue. "By the time we always argued and you became childish in my eyes and I felt something weird inside me. I don"t know why but back then at the beach, I was—"
"What do you mean weird?" Yenn cut him off.
"Just, let me finish first..." he gave him a prude smile. Yenn nodded shifting his arms on the bed as he lean his body on the headboard. "Back at the beach... I was jealous and I felt so wronged when you start blaming me because of the goddamn kiss so I thought maybe you"re just being salty given that you were flirting with the flimsy girl back then...and—it really made me mad so maybe if I could make you kiss me again, you"ll focus on me more..."
"What do you mean by focus on you more?!" Yenn asked, something feels unpleasant in his words but he didn"t hate it. In fact, right now he just don"t understand everything that Jiwoon was saying about. He"s totally confused.
"I want you to just look at me..." Jiwoon gave him a pained smile.
"Why....you said that you don"t like me right? Why are you acting like this now?"
" I know, that"s why I want to find out if it"s just me pent up or not...I mean I"ve been lusting over you..."
"What the fuck?! So that"s the fucking reason you did that? Because you"re just fucking pent up?!"
" No, wait. Let me explain."
"Fuck you" Yenn snorted, already pissed and assumed that his next words would be just a fucking unreasonable.
"Back then, I wasn"t t-thinking straight and I just w—wanted to embrace you...I know this reason wasn"t enough and you probably hate me to hell because of that but I want your forgiveness, I did that kind of thing and I"m sure I put you off the wrong way so.....I want to make up for it and agreed to be your slave" Jiwoon continuously said, stuttering his guts off and realizing that he just explained to someone for the first time in his life. It feels amazing, although he knew that his reasoning weren"t enough for Yenn to accept it but still...he want Yenn to forgive him.
"So you weren"t thinking straight? That"s your fucking reason for raping me?! The hell with that? You want my forgiveness but you never even say please? Why the fuck will I forgive you then?!" Yenn look at him with an ashen face. So that"s it? Everything he went through because of Jiwoon was just because he wasn"t thinking straight?!
"If you want my forgiveness then you should"ve beg me you fucker!!" he yelled at him trembling. What"s with that? He was humiliated by a man and his firsts was taken by a man and why....why the hell does his reasoning pissed him more than when he said he doesn"t know what he felt...why the hell does his heart ache?
"Get out! I don"t want to see your face! If you want me to forgive you then stay away from me! Don"t. You. Ever. Dare. Show that face of yours until I call you out." He screamed at him, panting. "Get out!" he pushed Jiwoon away until they reached the door then he shoved him outside of his room and slammed his door shut. Why....why does he felt so hurt when Jiwoon said that. He don"t know what word put him off but he suddenly burst in anger when he heard him say he wasn"t thinking straight and it feels like he"s saying everything was an accident and that might be the reason that he went into a rage of unknown emotions. Was he expecting something more? And what the hell is he even expecting...?
"Fuck! I don"t know how to think anymore"