Lesson 113- If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.
**Torin**
Rina comes barging into my office with tears in her eyes. I immediately jump to my feet, my heart racing. Is she okay? What happened to her? She was fine just a few minutes ago!
“Rina! What’s wrong?” I ask, trying to keep my tone gentle, I know I sometimes come across as harsh, particularly when I’m feeling emotional. I try to subtly look her over for injuries but I can’t see anything. I jolt in surprise when my eyes make it back up to her face and I realise that, not only is she crying, Rina is glaring at me. Shit. She’s pissed off. What did I do now? She wasn’t angry with me a few minutes ago, at least I don’t think she was. I haven’t even spoken to her. What did I do wrong?
“Everything! Everything is wrong Torin! I can’t figure you out and I’m damn sick of it!” She half shouts the words and I can’t help but flinch. I try to force my usual calm expression but I can’t manage it. I guess there’s no point, Rina always seems to see through it anyway. I stay silent and wait for Rina to explain. She’s clearly worked up about something.
Sure enough, after only a few more moments of glaring, she continues.
“You act all sweet and nice, you bring me gifts, spend time with me, protect me, flirt with me, KISS me. You trust me to control who can access your bar and you even let me adopt a stray kitten. But you can’t trust me with an internet connection? Or a phone, or to step outside this building? I think I’ve made it fairly clear that I care about you. You ACT like you care about me. So I just don’t understand. What more can I do to earn your trust? What have I done to make you so unwilling to give it?” She demands. She started off loud, then got louder. But by the time she asks her final questions, her voice is practically a whisper. I feel lower than dirt, absolutely completely and totally guilty. I can’t answer her questions either. She wants to know why I don’t trust her. But it’s myself I don’t trust, not to mention everyone else. If she leaves, if I let her go, I can’t keep her safe. I’ll lose her. Even if we can figure out a way to ensure her safety… I’ll still lose her. I don’t trust that I’m enough to keep her. Even if she DOES come back a few times, it won’t last. She might come visit for a few weeks, or even continue working here until she can get a new job, one she actually chooses for herself. Then life will get in the way, she will start cancelling, showing up less and less and then I won’t see her again. I’ll have lost the only person who has ever cared about me. Or even worse, she will keep coming, but she will find some guy. Some normal human guy who can hold a proper conversation and doesn’t ask her to keep secrets. Then I’ll have to watch as she lives her life or builds a family. I’m self aware enough to know that it would probably hurt even more than her leaving and never coming back.
I take a deep breath. That isn’t something that is happening right now. I should focus on the immediate problem, which is that I need to keep Rina safe.
“It isn’t safe for you to leave here, it isn’t safe for you to call someone.” I insist. Rina rolls her eyes, clearly displeased with my answer.
“If that were the real reason, I might even be able to accept it. But I really don’t think it is.” She answers bluntly and I fight the urge to sigh.
“Why are you so upset about this right now? It’s been weeks, you have mostly been okay with it. You made it very clear that you agreed to stay, that you were willing to wait. What changed all of a sudden?” I ask, genuinely curious. All at once, it’s like Rina completely deflates in on herself. She wraps her arms around herself and drops her gaze to the floor.
“I changed, you changed, our… Friendship changed. But mostly I just didn’t expect to be here this long.” She lets out a deep sigh.
“Torin, I have literally saved your life. I have been a friend to you, put my faith in you and I’ve given you time. Do you trust me at all?” She asks sadly, her voice small. I DESPERATELY want to pull her into my arms. I want to comfort her, to tell her everything will be alright and to give her everything she wants. But I can’t do that. I just can’t. So I stay put. I keep my arms still at my side and my stony expression is completely genuine when I answer her.
“No. I don’t trust you and I never will.” I answer harshly. I have to fight the urge to cringe at my own words. I sound like an asshole. I’m ACTING like an asshole. I know it, everyone knows it. But I can’t risk losing her, and it’s too late to take my words back now. Still, the look on Rina’s face causes a stabbing pain in my heart. I feel like the monster that everyone believes I am. I expect her to yell at me, to argue and lecture me. But she doesn’t. Instead, Rina just gives a single, slow nod.
“Alright. I understand. I guess I’ll just… Leave you be. If that’s how you really feel, then there’s no point in discussing this further. Bye Torin, have a nice day.” Rina says. The words are harmless enough, but her tone… I’ve never heard her sound so sad. I’ve never heard her sound so disappointed in me. Rina turns to leave the room. I want to stop her, to call her back. But I feel terrible, so guilty that I want to be sick. I’m lying to her, I’m the worst possible friend she could have. If she hates me now… Well I probably deserve it. So I do nothing. I stand and watch Rina walk away. I listen as she stops and scoops Crash up from the ground, I listen as she heads to her room and closes the door behind her. Then I listen as she begins to cry. I can’t take it anymore. So I do the cowardly thing and I run. I do the one thing I won’t let her do. I leave the bar, I go home where I don’t have to listen to her cry. I thought I might feel better with a little distance. But I don’t, not at all. Somehow I feel worse. I LIKE being around Rina, no matter what. When she’s upset, angry, sad, excited, or even when she’s just sitting quietly. I crave her attention, her acceptance. I know I’ve messed this all up. I care about Rina. I want her to be happy. I want her to trust me and rely on me. But when she asks to leave, I just panic. It’s like a knee jerk reaction. I can’t keep doing this. I need to do better, I need to be better. I need to talk to Rina again, to figure this out and apologise. Except… I seriously doubt that she is willing to talk to me, not after what I just did. I’ve made a mess of everything, and now I’m going to have to find a way to fix it.
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