Lesson 167-There is nothing wrong with asking why when someone tells you what to do.
**LINDY**
I’m curled up in Rina’s bed, my head buried in her pillows as I try to calm my racing heart. At first when I saw Richard there with my pelt, I was relieved. Then he told me to stop worrying and come to him. That was the single most terrifying moment of my life because in that second I wasn’t myself. I had no control over my own body as I approached him. But even worse, I had no control over my mind as his command forced my worry out of my head. It returned only a few moments later. I suppose because he didn’t tell me how long I shouldn’t worry for. For a few seconds I had no worry, none. Then all at once it was back and so was my fear. I never even had a chance to TRY not to do as he ordered me. I couldn’t help myself, I just… Exploded. I yelled at him. Blamed him for everything. Accused him of wanting to hurt me. Then he left. Of course he left, who wouldn’t leave after something like that? And he took my pelt with him. I’m screwed. So screwed. Even if Richard isn’t the person I just accused him of being. I seriously doubt that he’s going to give me back my pelt after this. I feel sick. I’d cry, but I don’t think I have the energy for it. I’m on the verge of a panic attack. Or another panic attack maybe. I feel like that outburst I had earlier was probably some form of panic attack. It certainly felt like one.
Just as I’m about to have a complete breakdown, Rina knocks on the door.
“Lindy?” She calls out, then I hear the door open and her soft footsteps as she approaches the bed. She drapes something over me and all at once I’m filled with warmth. Everything suddenly feels… Right. I bolt upright and my pelt falls off my shoulders. I grab it and clutch it to my chest. Holding it tightly.
“You… You got it back? How?” I whisper. My voice breaks as I choke out the words. Rina sits on the bed beside me and hooks an arm over my shoulder.
“Richard. He came back. I don’t think he ever meant to walk off with it in the first place.” She says gently. I slowly nod. I guess I kind of knew that. Sure, he gave me an order, but it’s not like he was trying to hurt me. I remember his smile as he called out to me. He looked so excited, and proud. He also looked… Exhausted. I don’t know how he managed to get my pelt back, but I doubt it was easy. It doesn’t look like he slept either. I feel so horribly guilty.
“Lindy… He looked… Really hurt. Why did you say all that to him? You don’t REALLY think he was trying to hurt you, right?” Rina asks. Her tone is a combination of sympathy and firm determination. She knows I treated him badly and, as much as I find it hard to believe he deserves it, Rina considers the kelpie to be her friend. So she wants to defend him.
“I really didn’t mean to go off like that. I guess when I get… Panicky… I just explode.” I try to explain. Rina frowns.
“Why were you panicking? He brought your pelt back. I would have thought you would be thrilled.” She asks, struggling to understand. I sigh.
“When he came in… He gave me an order. I don’t think he even realised he was doing it. But for a few seconds, I had no control. None. I guess in that second I freaked out. I realised that he had complete control over me. He could have made me do anything he wanted. He could have told me to hand over everything I own, to dance a jig. Hell, he could have told me to kill someone and I doubt I would have been able to do anything to stop myself. It was… Terrifying. I was like a puppet, I could feel my body moving but I had no control over it. Even… Even my thoughts. He told me to stop worrying and I did. Can you imagine? What if he had ordered me to think of something else? Something that lasted longer. He could have ordered me to trust him, to love him even.” I shudder in fear. Rina sighs.
“You know Richard wouldn’t do that, right? I know he’s done a few bad things. But he isn’t a bad person. Not really. And I think you know that. You talk to him every time he comes to the bar. You say you don’t want to, but it’s not that hard to get up and walk away. Or even to completely ignore someone. You haven’t been doing that. You know he isn’t a monster. Just a guy who made a few mistakes.” Rina lectures me and I sigh.
“Yeah, I know. I really screwed up just now… Didn’t I?” I ask quietly and Rina nods.
“Yeah… You kind of did. But that doesn’t mean it’s too late to fix things.” She says encouragingly. I sigh.
“Is Richard still here?” I ask hopefully. She shakes her head.
“Sorry, no. He basically handed me your pelt and left. I… Don’t think he wanted to stick around.” She says sadly and I frown.
“Damn it.” I grumble.
“I could try to call him? Maybe he will come back?” She suggests. I slowly shake my head. He’s always been the one to come to me. I need to apologise to him, and I need to do it properly.
“I think… I need to go to him. Do you know where he lives?” I ask, a little nervously. I haven’t been to many places, and going to someone else's home, particularly when there’s every chance I won’t be welcomed… Well the idea is terrifying. But I think it’s what I need to do.
“I don’t… Sorry. I’ve never been to his place.” Rina says apologetically. Torin clears his throat awkwardly from the hallway.
“I know where he lives.” He says gruffly. Rina raises an eyebrow.
“You do? Why?” She asks curiously. Torin shrugs and I dare to say he looks a little embarrassed.
“When he first started… Hanging around here. I looked into him a bit. Just in case.” He admits. Rina laughs.
“I had no idea. But I guess in this case it works to our advantage. Tori, can you give Lindy a ride to visit Richard. Maybe hang out until she needs a ride home? I know you’re tired… But I think it’s kind of important. If you prefer, you can give me the address and I can drive her.” Rina offers. Torin gives her a look that tells me he thinks she’s being ridiculous.
“Of course I’ll drive her.” He says firmly. I sigh in relief. This trip is still terrifying, but I feel a bit better knowing that Torin will have my back. With him around, I don’t have to worry about my physical safety. All I have to worry about are my feelings and figuring out the right way to apologise and explain that I didn’t mean anything I just said. Damn, this might be harder than I thought.
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