Lesson 159- There is always another option, even if it’s not the one you were hoping for.
I’m sitting on Torin’s lap with my arms wrapped around his neck. We were literally making out and suddenly he says he can’t do this? He carefully disentangles me and places me back on my feet. I’m torn somewhere between pissed off and super embarrassed. I mean, sure I was the one who kissed him first. But he kissed me back, then he just, what? Changed his mind all of a sudden?
“Why?” I demand and Torin sighs.
“This isn’t good for you.” He answers and I frown, totally confused.
“What do you mean? Of course it is. I lo-” He cuts me off.
“No, don’t say that. Please?” He says sadly. I’m so baffled. He literally just said he loves me, but he won’t let me say it back? Why not?
“Tori, I really don’t understand.” I tell him, my voice quiet. Damn it. I will NOT cry. He stands up and takes my hands, clearly trying to comfort me. This man is so confusing. How can he reject me and act all sweet at the same time?
“We have a bargain and I need to protect you. If we were… Something else. If we changed this relationship and it went wrong, and it will go wrong because I’m me and I have no idea what I’m doing. Then you won’t want to work with me anymore, you’ll break the bargain and then Solem will take you.” He says hopelessly. I stare in shock.
“That’s what you’re worried about? Tori, that's ridiculous. You know that our feelings won’t just go away, and staying ‘just friends doesn’t stop us from fighting either. Changing things doesn’t have to be bad. I think it will make our connection stronger.” I insist. He shakes his head.
“Things are going to change either way, I know that. The binding spell is gone, you can come and go as you like. You’ll see other people, you’ll realise just how much freedom I kept from you. You l- like me because you’ve been relying on me and because you’ve been stuck with me. I know I’ve been reluctant to admit it, but I was keeping you prisoner. Our entire relationship was based on that dynamic and it’s going to change. We don’t know any other kind of relationship. I… It would be wrong of me to agree to anything else with you when our situation has been so… Unusual.” He struggles to choose his words. Obviously he’s been thinking about this a lot. I suppose he isn’t exactly wrong. I had similar worries before. But I suppose I kind of just assumed that once the binding spell was gone it would magically fix everything. Still, his plan isn’t ideal either. Sure the dynamic between us might change a bit. But that doesn’t mean my feelings aren’t real, and it doesn’t mean his aren’t either. We need a new plan. I’m quiet for a minute or two as I think it through. Torin waits patiently for me to respond.
“Fine. I suppose you have a point. So I’m going to wait a month.” I declare. Torin frowns, confused.
“Huh?” He looks at me, clearly not understanding.
“I’m giving us both a month to adjust and to figure out if we think this relationship could work. I’m not your prisoner anymore, and while I’m still staying here, I can come and go as I like, I have my phone and the internet and all the normal freedoms that most people have. I know we still have our bargain, but that’s always going to be true. It’s the reality of our lives now. We need to adjust to that.” I explain, careful not to phrase it as a question. I’m not trying to make a bargain or deal after all, just a plan. Torin’s jaw drops and he blinks in shock, clearly not sure what to say. Eventually he stammers out.
“Why the deadline?” He seems very concerned. I smile ruefully.
“Because I like you Tori, but I know how you are. You’ll get comfortable and without a push you won’t change. But if I push too hard you’ll freak out and make a decision you regret later. So I’m giving you a month to think about it. The deadline is also for me, I like you, but if you’re really serious that this won’t work, I have no intention of waiting around forever for you to change your mind. That wouldn’t be healthy for either of us.” I say firmly. Torin seems alarmed.
“What are you planning to do? You can’t just leave, if you break our bargain Solem will come for you, and because of the magic it would be for a very long time.” He reminds me, clearly very concerned. I reach out and pat his arm reassuringly.
“I’m not saying I’ll leave or anything Tori. In a month we’re going to sit down and have this discussion again. At that time I’m going to tell you how I feel, and you had better let me actually say it.” I give him a mock glare and he smiles a little bit.
“And I’ll expect to hear how you feel about me and our situation. We can decide if this is going to work. After that, unless you give me a reason not to. I’ll be looking elsewhere.” I say, a little sadly. Torin seems confused.
“Looking elsewhere?” He repeats. I nod.
“As in I’ll sign up for dating apps or go out with someone from around the bar. What I’m saying is I’ll force myself to move on.” I tell him. Okay, so I’m not actually sure I would do any of those things. I’ve never tried dating apps and they don’t really appeal to me, as for dating someone from the bar… Well I’ve never noticed anyone here enough to be interested in them. I guess I’ve always been so focussed on Torin. I did mean it though when I told him I would try to move on. He’s a smart guy, if he thinks it through and decides he isn’t willing to try anything with me, then I’ll do my best to accept it. He’s clearly thought it through at least a bit and he has concerns. So, now we’ve both given our opinions and I’ll give him more time.
What I didn’t expect is how distressed he seems right now. I was caught up in my thoughts and didn’t notice right away. He’s still standing there, completely still, but his poker face is firmly in place and his eyes have gone totally black. Shit. Maybe what I said came across as kind of… Mean? Or dismissive? I didn’t mean for it to be an ultimatum exactly. I just wanted to make a plan so that we aren’t stuck in some weird phase forever.
“Tori?” I ask quietly, he doesn’t answer. It seems like he’s freaking out a bit. I push on.
“Tori, I don't think I was clear enough. No matter what we decide, I’ll still care about you, you’re still going to be my best friend. We’re still going to work together and hang out. None of that will change.” I tell him softly. He looks down at me, still clearly agitated. I suspect he wants to argue, but he’s the one who is turning me down right now. So there isn’t much he can say.
“I can’t lose you.” He eventually whispers. I sigh.
“Tori you won’t lose me, no matter how it turns out. This isn’t an all or nothing thing. There are tons of types of relationships, friendships and ways to interact with people. We just have to find the one that works for us. I didn’t mean for any of what I just said to sound like an ultimatum. Honestly, the time limit is as much for me as it is for you.” I admit. Torin still looks upset, but his eyes have returned to normal. I smile and step in closer to hug him. He wraps his arms around me tightly and I rest my head against him.
“We have a month to think about it. Relax. I’m always going to be a part of your life now Tori. You’re stuck with me.” I try to reassure him. He sighs and I feel him nod.
“Good.”