Lesson 168- Don’t make excuses when you hurt someone, just apologise.
**LINDY**
Richard lives a lot further from the bar than I expected. I guess because he’s been at the bar every time that I’ve been there I kind of assumed that he lived reasonably close by. Apparently he’s been travelling almost an hour each way every time he’s come down. I don’t even want to imagine the cab fares he must be paying. The car ride with Torin is basically silent. He turns on the radio for me but honestly I’m a giant ball of guilt and nerves. I’m also still clinging to my pelt. Usually when I’m at home I can relax a little. I even take it off sometimes when it’s warm. I don’t think I’ll be doing that for a while. I used to contemplate getting some super secure safe and keeping my pelt there. Not carrying it around with me. But I feel so empty and wrong being separated from it. The one time I tried to leave it at home I ended up going straight back to get it. Ugh, I need to focus. What the hell am I going to say to Richard? I have no idea how I’m going to manage this. I was awful to him, and not just tonight, when I ran out of the bar just before my pelt was stolen I was running because I felt bad for the things I said. I’ve been… Incredibly unfair to him. I know that. I’m not a trusting person, I’ve never been a trusting person. I seriously doubt that I ever will be a trusting person. But that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel or unfair. I shouldn’t take my issues out on other people. I definitely need to work on that.
We pull up in front of what is apparently Richard’s house. It’s… Strange. Mostly because if you asked me to guess who owned the place at a glance, I would have said a little old lady. It’s basically a cute little cottage type place. The garden is a bit overgrown, but in general it’s pretty. I can’t see it so well in the dark, but I assume it would look great in the daylight. There’s even a little pond. I was picturing more of a decked out bachelor pad or something. This place is… Actually really nice. Torin clears his throat uncomfortably.
“Uh, did you want me to… Come with you?” He offers. I shake my head.
“I think I need to do this myself. But would you mind maybe just… Waiting in the car for me? At least until I’m sure he isn’t going to immediately send me away? If he lets me in, you can go and I’ll call a cab.” I suggest hopefully. Torin shrugs.
“I’ll wait. Take your time. I’ll just… Take a nap or something.” He decides. I wince. The poor guy has to be exhausted. He’s been up all night and day.
“Seriously Torin. Thank you. You really didn’t have to do this for me.” I say with a slight smile. He nods awkwardly, clearly not comfortable with the gratitude.
“Go on then.” He says gruffly. I nod, take a deep breath and get out of the car. I don’t allow myself any more time to hesitate. Clutching my pelt tightly around my shoulders, I march straight up to his front door and knock loudly. Or at least I intended it to be loudly. About halfway through the first knock I realise he has a doorbell. I yank my hand back and go to press the doorbell.
The front door swings open just as I hit the button and Richard stares at me as the slightly too high pitched bell tone goes off. I flush red, completely embarrassed.
“Lindy! What are you doing here?” Richard asks, his tone incredulous. I take a deep breath.
“I.. Um… I need to talk to you. I mean… I would like to talk to you. If that’s okay… Please.” I stammer out. Richard raises an eyebrow. Probably because that’s the most polite statement I’ve ever said to him. Or because it’s completely awkward and I sound like a lunatic after everything I said earlier.
“You want to talk to me?” Richard responds doubtfully. His expression is wary and I’m struck by another wave of guilt.
“Can… Can I come in?” I ask softly. Richard looks torn for a moment, then his expression softens a little bit. He sighs and nods.
“Yeah, you can come in.” He doesn’t seem overly thrilled by the idea. But at least he isn’t sending me away. So that’s a good sign, right? I wave to Torin, then cautiously follow him into his home. The inside is every bit as homey as the outside suggests. I can’t help but stare. I’ve never really visited anyone’s home before. I suppose technically I’ve seen Rina’s, but I don’t think her room in the back of the bar really counts. He leads me to a living room and there are pictures ALL over the walls. Mostly of Richard and pictures of a girl I don’t recognise, although he looks a lot younger in the photos than he does now, and a lot more carefree. Richard clears his throat and I realise that I’m just standing in the middle of the room staring at all his stuff.
“Sorry.” I blurt out. Richard shrugs.
“It’s fine, what did you come here to say?” He asks.
“No… I mean. Sorry. I’m here to apologise.” I explain. Richard makes a soft noise of surprise but he doesn’t look angry, so I push on.
“I apologise for what I said earlier. It was wrong of me to accuse you like that. I was frightened and you gave me an order while holding my pelt. I know you weren’t trying to hurt me, but it scared me and I lashed out. It wasn’t fair of me. Especially when you went out of your way to help me like that.” I force the words out and find I’m actually fairly pleased with them. That was a pretty decent apology, right? Or maybe I shouldn’t have tried to explain or justify my actions. Do apologies have rules? I remember reading online at some point that you shouldn’t make excuses when apologising. But maybe explanations are okay? I think I’m overthinking this. Richard’s jaw drops.
“I gave a command? I didn’t realise… Shit. No wonder you were pissed off. I really didn’t mean to.” He sounds apologetic now. Damn. My apology wasn’t meant to make HIM feel bad. I think I’m messing this up.
“You shouldn’t apologise. I’m trying to apologise. Do you… do you accept my apology?” I ask anxiously. Richard runs a hand through his hair and lets out a deep sigh.
“I’m probably going to regret this. But yeah I do.” He risks a slight smile. I don’t smile back, mostly because I’m nearly dizzy with relief. It’s… Frustrating how much I care about his opinion of me. I know I should cut my losses now and stop while I’m ahead. But I’m already here, so I might as well push on.
“Can I ask you something?” I ask.
“You just did, but sure.” Richard agrees. He drops and sits down on his couch and gestures for me to take a seat. Normally, I would pick a seat as far away from him as possible. But I’m already in his house so that seems like a waste of time. I sit on the far side of the same couch he’s sitting on. If he’s surprised by my choice he doesn’t show it.
“What did you want to ask?” He says softly. Why do I feel like he’s talking to me like I’m a flighty bird? One wrong movement and he expects me to flit away. Probably because that’s how I usually act. Ugh.
“I wanted to ask… Why you brought my pelt back to me.”
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