Lesson 114- It’s okay to cry sometimes. It’s not good to trap your feelings on the inside.

I cry into my pillow for entirely too long. How many times can I cry over a guy I’m not even with? This is so frustrating. Somehow this hurts worse than when I thought he was keeping secrets from me. Probably because back then I only knew him a little. We were friends, but I only just kinda liked him. Now… Well it’s different and this hurts so much worse. It’s so much more personal. He’s blatantly refusing to ever give me the only thing I’ve actually asked for, his trust. I know that’s not something you can just give easily, but I’ve done everything I can to earn it. I’ve given him time. At this point I’m convinced. There really is nothing I can do to convince him to trust me. He never has and never will. I’m never getting out of here, I’ll never get to see my brother again and I’m never going to actually get to really act on these feelings I’ve developed for Torin because I can’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust me. Plus at this point even if he’s acting as my protector, he’s definitely my jailer. Today we were teetering on the edge, walking the line between being his prisoner or his friend, and he didn’t just push me over the line, he shoved me straight off the cliff, and hitting the ground is so much more painful than I was anticipating.

Eventually, I fall asleep and when I wake up, it’s to Laura knocking loudly on the back door of the bar and calling out to me. Shit, I totally forgot to set my alarm to wake up. I stumble down the hall to let her in. My head hurts and my eyes are all sore, swollen and kind of crusty from crying so much. So it really comes as no surprise when Laura immediately looks at me with sympathy.
“Oh honey, what happened?” She asks, stepping inside and immediately pulling me into a tight hug. I shrug, I feel like a complete zombie. Just totally numb. I think my emotions are all used up or worn out or something. I’m just not capable of feeling anything right now. Laura drags me into the kitchen and after a couple minutes shoves a hot cup of tea into one hand and then drops Crash into the crook of my other arm. He cuddles in and starts purring which actually helps more than I expected it to. People who don’t have pets are seriously missing out. I’m still miserable, but Crash cheers me up enough that I feel capable of talking to Laura.
“Torin and I fought. I… I’m pretty sure we’re not friends anymore. We’re not anything anymore.” I say flatly. Laura’s eyes go wide. I can tell she wants to ask more about it, but she doesn’t. She just looks at me sympathetically and perches on the edge of the bench next to my seat and wraps an arm over my shoulders. There’s another knock at the door and I reluctantly get up and go let Kyle in. He takes one look at me in my pyjamas with swollen eyes clutching Crash to my chest.
“Shit. Torin?” he asks. I nod sadly and he sighs.
“This calls for chocolate.” He grumbles and stomps past me and straight into the kitchen. I follow him.
“Sit.” He orders, pointing at the chair I left to let him in. Then he raises an unimpressed eyebrow at Laura who rolls her eyes, but smiles as she slips off of the bench. He nods, happy. Apparently Kyle doesn’t like it when we sit on the bench. I’m not particularly surprised. He sets to work mixing things together, and I notice that HE doesn’t need a recipe.
“So. Spill. What did the great big moron do this time?” Kyle asks bluntly. It’s clear that Torin isn’t in the building, Kyle is way braver when he isn’t there to listen in. I sigh.
“Long story short, he said he will never trust me. I’m going to be stuck here forever.” I answer hopelessly. Then I can’t help myself.
“Am I really that untrustworthy?” I add quietly. Laura shakes her head immediately.
“Oh sweetheart no! This isn’t anything to do with you. This is a problem with him. If it helps at all, WE trust you.” She insists, then catches Kyle’s gaze. He grunts his agreement and I force a small smile.
“Thanks guys.” I respond, but my tone is flat.

A few minutes later, Kyle hands me a fancy looking glass with some chocolate concoction in it. I think it’s kind of like chocolate mousse. He sticks a spoon in it.
“Eat. It’ll help.” He says gruffly. I nod gratefully and try it. Oh my, this is amazing. Is Kyle just incapable of making anything that isn’t perfect? Laura should marry him, even if it’s just for the food and treats. I’d consider it myself but I’m fairly sure she’s called dibs. Still, the sugar helps my headache and the treat made just for me makes me feel a little special. At least I still have SOME friends who appreciate me. I’m just scraping out the bottom of the glass and contemplating asking Kyle to write down EXACTLY how he made this thing so that I can attempt to recreate it sometime.
“So, what do you think are my chances of avoiding Torin tonight?” I ask no one in particular. Laura freezes and Kyle looks uncomfortable. From behind me, Torin clears his throat awkwardly and I groan.
“Not very good apparently.” Kyle comments, breaking the horrible silence that has taken over the kitchen.
“Rina, may I speak with you please?” Torin asks politely. I just shake my head.
“I don’t want to move.” I say stubbornly. Torin sighs and turns to Laura and Kyle. Laura gives me an apologetic look, then gets to her feet and exits the kitchen. Kyle lingers for a little bit longer, taking my empty glass from me and carefully placing it in the sink. Then he leaves too, although he gives Torin a look on the way out that could almost be considered a warning. Considering how frightened he generally is of Torin, I appreciate the effort. Still, he leaves and then, once again, it’s just myself and Torin, all alone.

I don’t say anything. Torin looks uncomfortable, but it’s not my job to make his life easier or more comfortable. Not anymore. So I just wait with my arms crossed over my chest and an irritated expression on my face.
“I didn’t mean it.” He suddenly blurts out. I raise an eyebrow, unimpressed.
“Your actions say that you did.” I answer. He nods.
“I know… Which is why I bought you this.” He holds his hand out to me. I suspiciously put out my own hand and he drops something in it. My eyes widen when I realise it’s my phone. This is clearly some kind of peace offering, but I’m still suspicious.
“You’re… What?” I stammer out, completely confused. Torin still looks miserable.
“I’m giving it back to you.” He confirms. I just stare at him.
“But… You said… I never even gave you an answer for what I’m going to say to my brother.” I say stupidly. What I should be doing is snatching the phone, running to my room and barricading the door, not giving him a chance to change his mind. But instead, I stay put and wait to hear him out.
“It doesn’t matter. I know you won’t say anything to hurt me, or anyone else… And… It was wrong of me to keep your phone from you. It was wrong of me to ever take it from you in the first place. Maybe at first I could be forgiven for making sure you wouldn’t say anything, but I should have given it back to you weeks ago. Realistically, I should have returned it the moment I realised we were actually friends.” He says sadly. I just sit there, mouth open in shock. He takes the chance to keep talking. His words are coming out first now, like he thinks if he stops he won’t be able to finish. Or maybe that I’m going to rush off and that I won’t give him a chance to finish his apology.
“I… I know there is no excuse, but I don’t do well under pressure. I panic and I overreact. You’ve seen what happened when that guy pushed you in the bar. I just… Freak out. I make stupid choices and I say things that I don’t mean.” He says guiltily. This is strange, he’s basically saying everything I wanted to hear from him earlier. If only he could have said all this in the first place.