Lesson 40- Say sorry right away when you hurt someone. It’s like cleaning up a spill, do it fast, it’s much easier to fix!
I spend a few hours in the bar hanging out with Jane. I sit and draw on my new sketchpad. But since I’m frustrated, on more than one occasion I rip out the page, screw it up and give it to Jane. I’m partway through a drawing and I realise that it’s starting to look more and more like Torin’s demon form, or at least what little I remember of it. His eyes were black, he had horns, and more than one set of them at that. I vaguely remember black on his arms. Tattoos? I’m not sure. My sketch isn’t more than a vague shape with dark eyes. I try adding details, but my memory fails me, I didn’t see him clearly enough. I didn’t see much that night at all. Obviously, everyone here took advantage of my limited recall of that night. I draw the demon version of Torin with a frown, then in my frustration at my inability to remember everything I scribble across the page, pushing my pencil in so hard that it breaks and I tear the page. This is getting me nowhere. I passed out, I’m not going to remember exactly what happened, and to be honest, remembering wouldn’t change anything except it might give me a little more confidence that they aren’t keeping anything else from me. I give up on drawing. I tear the page out and after a deep sigh, I give it to jane. Drawing is not as relaxing as I hoped it would be right now and I find that, despite my nap during the night, I get tried fairly quickly. Probably because crying takes a surprising amount of energy, plus I’ve been sleeping during the day all week, apparently that turns into a habit real fast.
“Thanks for the company Jane, I’m going to try to get another nap in. I won’t be working tonight though. But I’ll come and visit with you again tomorrow.” I tell her with false cheer. I use the edge of the bar to pull myself to my feet, I’ve just turned to leave when I feel something warm against my ankle. Huh? I turn back in time to see Jane’s arm disappearing back down the trap door. Was that her?
“Did you want something Jane?” I hesitate before leaving and she purrs. Then she reappears and holds something out to me. I’m not particularly scared of Jane, not anymore. As long as I do as Torin told me and don’t fall down into the trapdoor, I should be safe. So I hold out my hand and she drops something cold directly into my fingers. She pulls away and I look at what she’s given me. It’s… A pen. But not an ordinary pen, it’s silver and has intricate designs decorating it. The pen is beautiful, and I’m going to guess it's very old. It looks like the kind I’ll need to buy ink for. First the coin and now the pen. Where on earth is she getting these things from? Also as stunning as the pen is, I hope it isn’t also spelled to make me carry it everywhere. The coin is enough. I’ve taken to keeping it tucked into my bra which might be a weird decision, but women’s clothes barely ever have pockets, and the ones that they do have often aren’t deep and I’m strangely paranoid that I’ll drop it and lose it.
“Thank you Jane. I love it!” I tell her honestly. Now I just need ink. Except… I can’t go online unless I can get someone to supervise me. Damn them. I guess it will have to wait. Still, when I get back to my room, I place the pen in a place of honour on top of my dresser. Thankfully, I don’t feel the need to carry it around. I fall asleep clutching my coin. At least I know that Jane has never lied to me. She might be the only real friend I have.
When I wake up again it’s well into the evening. I can hear music and chattering coming from the bar so someone must be working. It just goes to prove how completely unnecessary I am here. I have no real purpose. Why should I bother to leave my room? It won’t change anything. Still, I find myself standing by the door. I don’t want to go out, but I don’t want to sit here alone all night either. I want someone to come and talk to me, to apologise. Okay fine, I want TORIN to come and apologise. That is, assuming he even feels bad about lying to me. I hope he feels bad, if he does then it means we probably were actually friends. But he didn’t try to defend himself, he didn’t try to apologise. All he did was point out that I said we were friends. Ugh. This is annoying. I’m furious with him, completely betrayed. But I’m searching for reasons to forgive him. Being angry is exhausting. Already I’ve found that I can’t stay mad at Kyle. He didn’t apologise to me, not really. But he still reached out. I suppose Laura did too, but I wasn’t ready to hear it. Torin is the only one who hasn’t even tried to talk to me and that hurts too in its own way. Would it kill the guy to just knock on my door and apologise? I decide that next time someone knocks on my door, I’m going to let them in. No matter who it is, I’ll give them a chance and hear them out.
Mind made up, I sit on the edge of my bed with a book and pretend to read while constantly glancing at the door. No one comes. Maybe they haven’t realised that I’m awake? I make sure to ‘accidentally’ drop my book on the floor loudly. I also pace the room, stomping my feet a little louder than is really necessary. Still, no one comes. Ugh. I feel like I’m being incredibly childish, sulking in my room waiting for someone to come and give me attention. But I haven’t done anything wrong, so why should I have to be the one to make the first move? It’s strange, out of the group of them, I’m the least angry with Kyle. Partially because he wrote me that letter, but also just because he never acted like he was my best friend. I was being friendly to him, and he treated me well, but we weren’t as close, so the betrayal doesn’t feel as bad. I suppose to really feel betrayed you have to have given that person your trust and an actual chance to betray you. Kyle never went out of his way to get me to trust him. I mean, he DID give me cake which is sort of the non-verbal equivalent. I kind of wish I had more of that cake right now. What are the chances that he’s in the kitchen right now and that he has cake? I could go find out. If everyone else is working then he should be alone and the hallway should be empty. I can just sneak out into the kitchen, ask Kyle for cake, then continue to hide and sulk in my room, right?
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