Struggling

My eyes eased open and they adjust to the familiar room. My feelings are heightened now, and I can see and hear everything.
" I have a wolf," I grumble, and she is snarling and calling me weak like she has been doing lately, I shake my head.
' Please, stop,'
I rush to turn off the light in the room. I like it better this way. The light is too bright it hurts my eyes.
' let's go to mate,' she says. It's been like this since she made her appearance, always fighting for control. She's everything I'm not. She's strong, and I'm weak but I fight her to not take control, I know once she does, she won't give it back.
' you're so weak,' she snarls.
' shut up,' I retort. I hold my head as she back away to the darkest part of my mind.
I close my eyes and lie on the bed as tears roll down my cheek, I can't, I can't do this, I'm not a werewolf material, I didn't grow up to this, everyone here was taught how to live with a counterpart, they were born to be strong wolves and I wasn't.
I don't hate Nikolas for turning me but I want to, it was supposed to be my decision, but he didn't give me one.
I abruptly get up and throw the lamp away, it feels good, so I continue throwing things around.
I curl up in a ball in the corner of my room. My heart starts to do backflips and I felt them before I could see them, Nikolas and my daughter are at the door.
" Mama, open, please," Amber's small voice resounds. I hug myself closer, I don't know how to love her right anymore.
" Amber, Mama isn't feeling well," Nikolas tells her. They are silent for a while as I hear sniffling coming from my daughter
" But why can't she just open it," she cries louder and my heart tightens.
' You see, you're hurting them because you are so weak. Stupid scared human,' my wolf hisses. I ignore her and I feel them sit against the door, I do the same and just listen to their steady heartbeat.
" Let's go now, Dada, she won't open," her little voice cracks and it hurts me so bad. I hear them retreat from the door and I swing the door open in a hast. I stand at the door, my dry lips quirk into a smile.
Nikolas is holding my daughter's hand, they turn, and both smile at me, happy to see me. I crouch down and open my arms to Amber. She smiles, running on her short legs and jumping into them, I kiss and apologize so many times in her ears.
" I'm sorry, baby," I whisper again. Her small hands wrap around my neck. We part and I put her down, my heart is pounding against my chest right now as I raise my hand towards Nik.
My wolf howls beautifully, ' My handsome mate,' she's so happy right now.
" Hi," I croak, my mate smiles and comes to embrace me, it's beautiful and I feel sparks all over my body. We stay like this for a long time.
" Love," he whispers in my ear " I'm sorry you're going through this," he apologizes but I shake my head. I'm just not strong enough, he did the right thing to turn me, I would have died and I didn't want to, I wanted to live for both of them.
I kiss him for a long time as tears flow down my cheeks. I sniff and he wipes away my tears with his thumb.
" Everyone is downstairs for dinner," he informs me, I nod and we walk hand in hand to the dining room.
Family and friends are already there, they welcome me and ask how I'm doing.
" Challenging but alright," I shrug as Nikolas pulls out a chair for me to sit on,
" Thank you," I whisper. The chefs start to dish out food, as usual, it's a long table filled with a lot of food.
" It sucks having to fight control in your own body," Kat says sympathetically. " But it gets better," she adds.
" Have you already initiated her into the pack?" Asks Xavier, Nikolas shakes his head
" Why?"
" I will when she's ready," Answers Nikolas.
" If you want, you can join my pack, Ava," Xavier says, obviously teasing to see Nikolas' reaction. He growls and glare at his brother-in-law.
" Ava will be a member of my pack and Luna of the silver blue moon," he says strongly, his chest rising and falling.
My wolf is howling in ecstasy, jumping and waggling her tail.
I clear my head and concentrate on the conversations at the table, everyone is chattering as they eat, and to me, it's too loud. I suck in a breath, trying to control it as I was told by the others. Jeremy notices my discomfort and asks.
" Hey, are you alright?" I nod and smile half-heartedly. Satisfied he continues to eat.
" We should run together soon," he says.
" Sure,"
" No way, her first run will be with Nikolas," winks Aurora and I glance at Nikolas who nods in approval.
" First run?" I ask him. He opens his mouth to speak but Justin is faster to explain.
" It's a bonding thing two mated wolves do, it's special." He sighs and adds, " Don't know why it is special,"
" Jealous much," coughs Nikolas with a smirk plastered on his face, the beta narrows his piercing gaze on his Alpha.
" Do I have to give my control to the wolf?" I ask no one in particular.
" Yes but you will see what's happening," Answers Gaby. She has been in an extra good mood this evening and is glowing, next to her is her vampire boyfriend, Jasper.
Nikolas holds my hand gently
" It's fine if you are not ready, baby," he smiles and I nod. He knows I have been struggling.
' gosh, you're so pathetic,' my inner wolf snarls.
' why do you hate me?' I ask quietly, but she doesn't answer, just snarls and go back to wherever she does when she doesn't want to talk.