Part A: Chapter 19

The next few days passed in a blur. I didn’t know what I wanted anymore and I hadn’t seen Sean since the day he walked out during our dinner together. I wasn’t sure whether he was giving me space or if he just didn’t want to see my face.

Emy was always there, everywhere I looked she was there. Everything just felt weird and I didn’t know what to think anymore. I was so disappointed in myself and everything I had done up until this very moment but deep down I was thankful to Sean for giving me some much needed space to clear my head and get my thoughts in order.

Groaning, I rolled over onto my side and clutched the pillow tighter, fighting back tears. I was so over all of this and I just wanted to be alone but Emy wouldn’t leave even if I asked her to. It was frustrating, not knowing what to do or what you want yet being locked up in a confined space, feeling as if everything and everyone was out to get you.

“Ms, are you okay?” Emy asked followed by footsteps. “You haven’t been eating and I worry about you.”

I scoffed, “you don’t care about me. You are just like everyone else so please, spare me,” I said, sniffing. “Just leave me alone if you have nothing better to say.”
I felt the bed sink on my left and I didn’t bother turning around to face her, then I felt her hand on my arm which was weird.

“I know we don’t know each other but I’ve been watching you for the past few days and you seem miserable. I don’t know how I can help because this is out of my jurisdiction but you’re still human and I worry,” she said, a hint of emotion in her voice.

Was she actually being honest or was this another way of getting me to let my guard down only to be thrown into yet another situation I couldn’t get out of?

“Just leave me alone, you’re just saying that because you have to,” I sniffed again, feeling tears prick the corners of my eyes and something clogged inside my throat.

“Look, I know we didn’t get off on the right foot but believe me when I tell you that I know what you are feeling,” she said again, her voice quiet. “But before I became a guard, I was just a low class omega from a pretty poor family and no one cared about me. Everyone treated me pretty badly and at one point in my life, I was sold as a slave to a crappy pack where the alpha didn’t care about his people. But you know, I trained hard and thank the Goddess because Mr. Sean found me and took me in. I don’t know what would have happened to me if it wasn’t for him. I practically owe him my life.”

Tears rolled down my cheek because deep down I knew Sean was a good man but so was Aidan. What I couldn’t wrap my head around was why they would both like someone like me. Even Ivan liked me and I didn’t know why. Why, why, why?

“Give him a chance, he’s not that bad and I can tell he really cares about you. For as long as I’ve been his bodyguard, I have never seen him bring a woman to his quarters and actually leave them for her,” she went on, making my heart break into more pieces than it already was.

“Please, just leave me alone,” I managed to say through the tears. I just needed to be left alone so I could think properly

I felt Emy’s weight leave the bed and then the door opened and closed. I rolled over onto my side, watching the space that had once been occupied by Emy. Tears continued to flow.

If I couldn’t make up my mind on what I wanted, then I wasn’t sure I deserved to be here or with any of them.

******
I don’t know how I had fallen asleep but I did. I was woken up by Sean. My eyes fluttered open to the sight of his perfect face.

“Hey,” he said quietly. “Sorry for waking you up but Emy told me you haven’t been eating much or doing anything and I’m worried about you.”

“Hey,” was all I could say. I could still feel the aftertaste of the tears in my throat and my eyes felt stuck together.

“Come on, sit up and have something,” he helped me sit up and lean against the headboard then handed me a plate of waffles and a glass of orange juice. “I know it’s late but you can always have waffles at any time and I made them myself.” He smiled sheepishly.

“Thanks,” I croaked and picked up the fork. I looked at him and he was waiting for me to eat. “I’m not hungry.”

Sean sighed, “please eat something. I know you might think I’m a bad guy but I’m really not. I really care about you and if I could let you go, trust me, I would. But once you’re out there, then I can’t guarantee your safety and my sister really doesn’t like you. So please, eat something, if not for my sake then Aidan or yourself.”

I could tell it took a lot for him to say that especially if I ended up doing it for him. “I know,” I finally said quietly, taking a forkful of the waffles into my mouth followed by the orange juice. “I know.”

“Eat up, I’ll be on the couch and leave after you’re done,” he added.

“No, you don’t have to go, it’s your room,” I said, “you can stay if you want.” I could feel myself starting to warm up towards him and I could use some company because I was afraid if I was left alone with my thoughts again, I might cry myself to death and I wasn’t at that point yet.

“Are you sure? I can leave if it makes you uncomfortable.” He was eyeing me carefully. He seemed on edge for some reason. “I don’t want to push you into doing something you aren't comfortable doing and believe me, there is nothing more that I want than you to be free.” He was already standing up, ready to make his way to the couch.
I grabbed his hand and held him in place. “I mean it, please don’t go. I don’t think I can stay alone for one more second because I might lose my mind,” the words left my mouth before I could even think about it.

Sean wrapped his hand around my hand that was holding him and removed it. “I don’t want you to do anything that you aren’t sure of. I may be a real dick when it comes to other things but I don’t take advantage of anyone and I don’t intend on starting now.” He walked over to the couch and sat down, grabbing the remote and turning on the sports channel. “Eat up.”

I felt tears prick my eyes but I pushed away the tears and ate quietly to myself. Each bite felt stale and cold and it wasn’t because he had cooked the food but because I was realising just how unfair it was for me to want him to stay when I knew well that he had feelings for me and he wanted something more that I wasn’t sure I could give him.
I finished eating and moved from the bed to place the plates on the table. Sean got up and picked up the plates.

“Have a good night Jemila,” he said as he lingered by the door, wanting to leave yet also not wanting to leave.

I tried for a smile which came more of a grimace than anything. I walked back to the bed and covered my head with the covers. I was tired of crying and I didn’t want to cry anymore, all I wanted was to figure everything out and not lead anyone anymore. Goddess knows I wouldn’t want anyone to do that to me.

“I can stay until you fell asleep,” Sean said, his voice sounding closer than it had been before. “We can talk if you or I can just sit on the couch and watch TV, it’s your call.”
I took a deep breath in through the nose and out through the mouth before uncovering my head and turning to face him. “Are you sure?” I asked instead.

He shrugged, “I have nothing to do and trust me, Lila isn’t the best person to have a conversation with unless it involves shoes or-,” he trailed off and I immediately knew what he wanted to say and I was grateful that he didn’t finish his sentence. “So yeah, I’m sure.”

“Okay, I guess we can talk,” I replied, sitting up on the bed and Sean closed the door and sat at the furthest edge of the bed, keeping his distance. “I haven’t had any human interaction in so long. Emy is surprisingly really good at her job. She only talked to me today.”

Sean chuckled and I hadn’t realised just how much I really did miss his voice and his laugh. “She isn’t bad once you get to know her, trust me, she was worse when she first got here but she learned to warm up.”